So what to say. I've been a little blue lately. But not in the way I'm used to. I guess it has been a whole combination of things, but one of the biggest reasons is my testimony.
Ok, so I have obviously been planning to go on a mission for awhile now, but (I think it must have been spurred on by Model Guy weasling doubts in my mind) about a week ago I had an experience that has made me question my whole testimony. No, it wasn't anything profound, I just think weasling can go a long way..
I was in the temple doing baptisms with my good friend when I'm in the font trying to concentrate on whats going on and on feeling the spirit when I have this "What on Earth am I doing??" moment. I am continuing to be dunked one after another all the while my MIND swirling and thinking "This doesn't make any sense. Why am I doing this? What on earth is happening?". It was like all the sudden my mind took over and every possible illogicality came to surface with the same momentum as the water kicking up around me as I would.
I walked out of the temple, feeling good, but all the sudden completely unsure of what I was doing, why I was doing it, and if any part of what I was doing made sense. My testimony seemed to have kind of 'jumped ship' at that moment and I was left in sadness and confusion with what I should do or if the Church I always seemed to belong to and had previously had a burning testimony of being true, was even true. So for the last week I have clung to that feeling of peaceful logicality, because even though my life seems to be ruled by feeling, my mind often freaks out and says, "No, don't worry. Everything will be all right.. THIS is right.", correcting whatever miscourse I feel like my heart may have been leading me into or over-feeling about, to help me feel some semblence of sanity.
So now I am just confused. I feel like one of those investigators that you hear about how they are feeling unsure and searching, but you can't really understand it. And hopefully, that could help me someday, if, hopefully, I ever feel that strong knowledge and desire that the church is true and that I want to share it with the world, again. Part of me still knows it, or thinks that I do, which is why I am not giving up. I'm still trying to attend all my meetings, go to Mission Prep every sunday, read my scriptures, and pray continually. But my prayers have changed. Now I am asking if the church is true, and if it isn't... where do I find the truth? Where do I go to worship God and do my best and share the knowledge of him and his truths with the world. Because I've never been a good salesman, I have to know. I have to know that what I am telling someone is the truth in order to share it with them and get them to want to have the same thing too. I'll keep praying. But I somehow hope that others will know to pray for me too..
On to other news. Life is interesting and always changing. Yesterday I had a rough patch at my second job for a couple hours. I kept trying to have a good attitude but it was hard, and I was so high-strung. It didnt help that my sisters kept calling me one right after the other without leaving me any voicemails, which made me freak out because I knew that my mother was supposed to find out yesterday whether or not she had a brain tumor. So I was kind of freaking out on top of the chaos of customers, having to use new, unfamiliar technology, and the lack of help at work. My eyes were getting teary and I was having a hard time trying to remain professional, so thankfully my Supervisor finally found someone to help me and said she'd watch for 5 minutes while I called my sisters back.
I literally bolted to the back of the store to stand outside of the less used door of the break room to call my sister. Thankfully the doctors didnt have any news about a brain tumor (which we are taking as a good thing for now) but I was informed that she wont be having surgery on her gallbladder (which I dont know how I feel about, since she was in such pain from it that I had to take her to the ER late on a Saturday night. Thankfully she was helping me with my sewing homework, so I was there to drive her instead of her driving herself this time.) and that she started the new Chemotherapy yesterday that will make her hair fall out, again. I'm so much more worried about my mom than I have been in forever. I know she has had cancer since I was 12, but for some reason it just eventually became 'a thing', that was just old hat, something that just was in my life.
She's always been super strong, to the point that, she never would make a big deal about things, like "Oh my markers are up" or "Its spread to my liver, but we're tryin somethin new so we'll se what happens' in an oh so casual voice, as to not make us feel like it was that big of a deal. I dont think I ever realized or appreciated how strong she was until now. I've always known that she's tried to stay alive for US, but I never realized how much more she did with that til now. Until I realized how serious it really could be, and that this woman who seemed so indestructible and unkillable, might not be..
I'm holding it in tho, because I've been so.. terrified, that I just didnt know what to do, but I had prayed about it and got this peaceful feeling, kind of a 'Everythings going to be ok, she'll be ok' feeling. And I still feel unsure and worry about it sometimes, but at least I'm not racked with grief and fear. So I'm ok. Life will be ok...
In other random news, just so you dont think I think that my life is a Tragedy (I'd rather it be like a Romantic Comedy-type feel, except for without the Romantic part), yesterday Darren Williams came into my work and hung out for about an hour and talked to me for half a sec (he was checking out the new R8 that sits like 5 feet away from my desk). So I guess that was kind of cool, although he's shorter and smaller in real life than I'd expected. And I have also just finished reading my Aunt's latest novel called Journey of Honor, whom I didnt even know wrote novels til about a month ago.. and it was really good. Its funny cause she wrote it as a 'Love Story' not a Romance Novel (which sounds stupid, but is totally true cause she somehow wrote it without all the sappy, overly emotional, immature, and sexual.. Junk. And its actually pretty good.) I guess whats funny about her writing novels is the fact that I know her as the really 'level-headed, awesome, yet family oriented' -Aunt, who doesnt have a degree in anything to do with writing (as far as I know), but has a really great, loving relationship with her husband, that I have seen and would like to follow the example of. So I could actually see her writing books like that- and I would want to read them. I love seeing family succeed in personal relationships, as well as the other extra-curricular goals in life, but especially the personal relationships. Because it makes me feel like I could :maybe: do it someday too..
Well, until we meet again.. TTFN. :)