Friday, July 5, 2013

Hoping with a Hopeless Soul

So the second Saturday in June I picked up a shift as a favor for doing a favor. Long story.. And then somehow a boulder got rolling at my work that somehow trampled me under it. Metaphorically. Don't worry, I still have all my limbs. But the point is, I'm not really sure what happened, but somehow they got peeved at me, and I got peeved back at them for being ridiculous about what they were upset with me about. Dumb stuff that half of it wasn't really my fault. After a long week of them suspending my shifts one after another and making me call them, and come in and talk to my manager (who was really only upset that I couldn't hide that I was borderline crying because I kind of started having an anxiety attack because a lot of ridiculous things were happening and I couldn't find a manager to help, therefore making my tables waiting, which was making my anxiety even worse..) and then wait some more and have to keep calling them.. which I just decided to quit on that next Friday after talking with a good friend about how they were being dumb about everything and I was pretty sure I was gonna get fired anyway since I defended myself pretty vehemently about how a lot of the things they were putting me through a ringer for weren't even my fault.

So I quit, handing them my letter of resignation right before we sat down for them to try to fire me. Thankfully I was already headed into work to give it to them when they called me a few minutes before I got there to call me in to do that. The funny thing is that when I handed the General Manager the letter and he asked what it was and I told him, he said 'That's perfect, cause that means I don't have to do what I was going to have to do.' He said he wanted to part amicably and if I knew what I was going to do? And that he would be happy to give me a letter of recommendation if I needed one. Ha! The other managers were the ones that were getting all huffy with me, but the General Manager still really liked me and even gave me a hug on the way out. Gosh. Life is weeeeeird. And its funny because half way during that week when I knew I was most likely not going to be working my job anymore (even after a glimmer of false hope from the GM saying not to worry about things and to call me the next day instead of Monday, I'm guessing he didn't care but the other managers had their panties a bit too twisted about it.), I was kind of okay with it. I feel like there was a reason I was at that job, and I remember feeling on day that whatever that reason was, it was fulfilled, and I didn't need to be there anymore. But I kept working there cause it was a good job, and good money, and I didn't know what else I wanted to do. So I think this was just God's way of pushing me out the door again. Like he did with Audi when I got laid off. I would never have left that job most likely, because it was so good. But working 7-15 hour days was not cohesive with God's plan, especially with my momma being so sick. She needed me and I'm glad God pushed me out the door so that I could spend so much more time with her and help to take care of her in her last few months.

Lesson learned: God knows what he's doing and has a plan for me. Even though I have hardly any idea what to do at this point. I know I'm supposed to go to school, and I have looked at the top 50 Fashion Design schools in the world and the one in Italy that I wanted to go to doesn't feel right. My lease is up on the 20th of this month and  I'm not sure where I'm going to go. I keep fasting and praying, although, to be honest I feel like I'm awful at praying, so I'm sure that's probably part of the reason I'm not getting an answer. Part of me wants to stay here, for family, cause I would really miss them, and for small dumb things like modeling or acting parts I have, or could have. But I guess I just need to find my spot in the world for me right now, cause I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm sure I'll add more to this later, but if I don't, sienara.. I guarantee that's spelled wrong. Peace.

(its probably better if I don't have anything more to say, cause most everything that's happened lately has been disheartening and depressing. Like helping people move that were evicted, and more family drama that just makes me feel... so hopeless, and that I don't have much to look forward to as far as life, love, and family. Got to remember that there are always thorns on every rose. Thorns on every rose.......)

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Lucky girl

So, I'm at another one of those weird spots in my life. But I'll talk about that later. What I really am thinking about and dont understand right now is how on earth am I supposed to find some guy that fits ME? And if I do, how am I supposed to have him actually not only like me, but LOVE me? I dont get it. I just finished a conversation with a guy that made me laugh, he likes rock climbing (me too), is trying to find a great barber to get a good 50's style classic hair cut (um, LOVE!) and, well, he makes me smile when i talk to him, and its just easy. But then he's a big outdoorsist. Like hiking 11 miles to camp in a snow bank for fun, type guy. Dont get me wrong, I love mother nature, but im not about to do ANYTHING like that and put it in the same category as fun, ahem, slide it over to the torture column more like. Thank you. And then there is another guy, who is AWESOME, but he watches some tv shows I hate (cause I think they are spiritually degrading and just crude), although he does make me laugh. I am always on the edge with him though because im never sure how he's feeling about me (yep, I'm pretty selfconscious. SURPRISE!), and well crud, I dont know. But I like him. There are more guys im dating that fit certain parts of me, but really, how am I supposed to find a guy that is into the same things I am, has the same life goals, is spiritual, doesnt think im crazy, etc., etc... I think its darn near impossible. And throw in my incredible fear/ terror of marriage, I think I'm kind of doomed. How do people do it???
I think its going to take a miracle. I think I still have faith in those..

Things the Ideal Guy for Me Would Like
  (just for the heck of it..)

Dancing (country swing and ballroom)
rock climbing
going on walks
long, deep conversations
shotgun shooting
50's music and style
old man sweaters (i have no idea why i like them so much, but I do. Maybe its the classy, old look to it?)
cats, or at least be openminded. and dogs. cause I want one of those someday
humanitarian work
country music (or at least tolerate it for my sake)
watching movies (but not hardly any rated R ones! although I will admit to watching a few choice ones too.. sigh)
healthy food
likes to cook or at least not expect me to do it all alone. I have to have company to enjoy cooking usually.
spiritual minded things- reading scriptures, saying prayers, fulfilling his callings, listening to conference talks.
good style- and by this i mean, not always wearing tshirts and old sneakers. Yes, I just said sneakers. Having a good sense of humor
My crazy family
Being motivated and driven
Making something of himself
Being a good father
Castle (the tv show)
A healthy dose of nerdiness. (although i'm not talking playing Magic Cards on weekends.)
A dislike for wasting exhorbant amount of time on video games. (seriously, woohoo! you made it to level 10 of Wizards of Combat.. or whatever the game is called. Dont hate me..)
Treating a girl like a lady that is there by CHOICE. And NOT like a play thing..

So this is my list of unrealistic expectations. Honestly, I'll be lucky if I find a guy who has even 2/3 of these things. But as long as its the important things like wanting to be a good father and being motivated and driven, and hope upon hope, loves my family, and treats me with respect.. I think I'll be ok. Now.. Good luck with all that, right? :)

Things I'd Like to Be For Him

good mother of his children
good cook (im trying to learn!!)
someone he can feel proud of (and show off if he wants to)
witty conversationalist
best friend
companion in any project he needs or wants me
accomplished in my own goals
in good shape (ahem..)
good listener
a reason to smile
continually striving to be better
above all, Loving.

I'm sure id be happy to add to this list if he wanted me too. Within reason, of course. (I hate sexist women jokes.. Expect a good punch if you say one anywhere within ear shot.) Anyway, I hope he would find me worth having and that he would think that he is a 'lucky guy'. The end.