Friday, July 5, 2013

Hoping with a Hopeless Soul

So the second Saturday in June I picked up a shift as a favor for doing a favor. Long story.. And then somehow a boulder got rolling at my work that somehow trampled me under it. Metaphorically. Don't worry, I still have all my limbs. But the point is, I'm not really sure what happened, but somehow they got peeved at me, and I got peeved back at them for being ridiculous about what they were upset with me about. Dumb stuff that half of it wasn't really my fault. After a long week of them suspending my shifts one after another and making me call them, and come in and talk to my manager (who was really only upset that I couldn't hide that I was borderline crying because I kind of started having an anxiety attack because a lot of ridiculous things were happening and I couldn't find a manager to help, therefore making my tables waiting, which was making my anxiety even worse..) and then wait some more and have to keep calling them.. which I just decided to quit on that next Friday after talking with a good friend about how they were being dumb about everything and I was pretty sure I was gonna get fired anyway since I defended myself pretty vehemently about how a lot of the things they were putting me through a ringer for weren't even my fault.

So I quit, handing them my letter of resignation right before we sat down for them to try to fire me. Thankfully I was already headed into work to give it to them when they called me a few minutes before I got there to call me in to do that. The funny thing is that when I handed the General Manager the letter and he asked what it was and I told him, he said 'That's perfect, cause that means I don't have to do what I was going to have to do.' He said he wanted to part amicably and if I knew what I was going to do? And that he would be happy to give me a letter of recommendation if I needed one. Ha! The other managers were the ones that were getting all huffy with me, but the General Manager still really liked me and even gave me a hug on the way out. Gosh. Life is weeeeeird. And its funny because half way during that week when I knew I was most likely not going to be working my job anymore (even after a glimmer of false hope from the GM saying not to worry about things and to call me the next day instead of Monday, I'm guessing he didn't care but the other managers had their panties a bit too twisted about it.), I was kind of okay with it. I feel like there was a reason I was at that job, and I remember feeling on day that whatever that reason was, it was fulfilled, and I didn't need to be there anymore. But I kept working there cause it was a good job, and good money, and I didn't know what else I wanted to do. So I think this was just God's way of pushing me out the door again. Like he did with Audi when I got laid off. I would never have left that job most likely, because it was so good. But working 7-15 hour days was not cohesive with God's plan, especially with my momma being so sick. She needed me and I'm glad God pushed me out the door so that I could spend so much more time with her and help to take care of her in her last few months.

Lesson learned: God knows what he's doing and has a plan for me. Even though I have hardly any idea what to do at this point. I know I'm supposed to go to school, and I have looked at the top 50 Fashion Design schools in the world and the one in Italy that I wanted to go to doesn't feel right. My lease is up on the 20th of this month and  I'm not sure where I'm going to go. I keep fasting and praying, although, to be honest I feel like I'm awful at praying, so I'm sure that's probably part of the reason I'm not getting an answer. Part of me wants to stay here, for family, cause I would really miss them, and for small dumb things like modeling or acting parts I have, or could have. But I guess I just need to find my spot in the world for me right now, cause I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm sure I'll add more to this later, but if I don't, sienara.. I guarantee that's spelled wrong. Peace.

(its probably better if I don't have anything more to say, cause most everything that's happened lately has been disheartening and depressing. Like helping people move that were evicted, and more family drama that just makes me feel... so hopeless, and that I don't have much to look forward to as far as life, love, and family. Got to remember that there are always thorns on every rose. Thorns on every rose.......)