Monday, April 25, 2016

Hello, My name is Liz and I'm an addict.

I've been really struggling lately with my sugar cravings. I think it stems from the fact that for more than a few reasons I'm not supposed to have it. And just like reverse psychology dictates, it makes me somehow just want it MORE. I tell myself 'Liz, you shouldn't eat that because your paying a nutritionist to tell you your macronutrients for weight loss and it definitely isn't gonna allow for that much wiggle room. Liz, it's not something you should eat because you have issues with sugar affecting your processes in your body- thinking, attention, headaches, nausea, etc etc'.  So I tell myself no and what does my psyche say? ' Lizzz darling, you can handle it just this ONE time. You don't need to be on a diet right now, auditions aren't for a week. If you don't eat TOO much sugar, you can just start again tomorrow. Chug that water missy cause a headaches comin' and so is another brownie..' Yea, my psyche can be very persuasive. Conniving little bugger. And I don't live in a place now that makes it easy, my roommates constantly bake and make heavily processed or heavy foods that are not only offered to me, but obviously delicious, so it's hard to say no.
Well, I've caught myself in another cycle of this thinking again to the dangerous point where I say I'll start again tomorrow, eat to my hearts content and then don't start again tomorrow; only getting worse each time, assuming it's going to end soon and I have to live it up now before I go military style on my own booty. As we speak I'm literally nauseous from overeating sugary treats today. I've been praying the last several days for an answer of what to do and just now I think I've sort of received it:

Every day I have to live it moment by moment. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this and tell myself, 'If you can just get through this moment you'll be ok. If you can just get through today that's it. You're done.' And then repeat. Because I.... Am an addict. I hate to admit that. It's shamefully weak in my mind and your probably thinking how ridiculous it is to be addicted to sugar, but I promise you it's not hard, and I bet if you introspectively check yourself out from a third person perspective, you might notice something you can't seem to go without as well. Try taking that thing away now. TRY. Is it hard? Do you want to throw it all away and just keep that thing that's your weakness? Aha..... WEAKNESS. There's your kicker. And my kicker.. I realized awhile ago that sugar can't be something I give into just because it's not a taboo substance. Yes. It's not alcohol. It's not meth. It's not porn. It's not cigarettes or gambling or video games or whatever else is keeping loads of people from their exponential growth. But it's a weakness. And it's MY weakness. God said 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble' and that if they humble themselves and have faith in him, he will make weak things become strong.
So I've come to the realization that this is my weakness and that it was given to me to show God If I am willing to grow. That I MUST use it to humble myself and build a relationship with him and rely on him the best that I know to overcome it. I will not give in forever. Sometimes I meet people who have an addiction to Diet Coke, or whatever and they say to me that they have this addiction and that they are reliant open it. That they can't and won't give up and they make it almost a joke. Like it's their life blood. Their source of all that is in them.Well if that's the case.. How can God become your life blood?
Aren't you giving in to the wrong side if you do? The one that cares for you so little that he'd rather see you crushed than thriving? God simply cannot work upon you if you give in and tell yourself that you can't. You CAN, and you must. Because we are not only humans; We are the offspring of a God. How AMAZING is that? So if you're struggling with something, don't just say I can't. You can. You can with the help of a God (and that is not to be taken lightly) who loves you. And will do anything to HELP. YOU. when you humble yourself and have FAITH.
So I am not a weakling. I was born for greater. I will struggle with this STUPID, silly, ridiculous trial for a while, I'm sure. Maybe my whole life. But I know it's here to HELP me. And so I'll be a fighter.
Candy. Crush. ;)