Monday, April 25, 2016

Hello, My name is Liz and I'm an addict.

I've been really struggling lately with my sugar cravings. I think it stems from the fact that for more than a few reasons I'm not supposed to have it. And just like reverse psychology dictates, it makes me somehow just want it MORE. I tell myself 'Liz, you shouldn't eat that because your paying a nutritionist to tell you your macronutrients for weight loss and it definitely isn't gonna allow for that much wiggle room. Liz, it's not something you should eat because you have issues with sugar affecting your processes in your body- thinking, attention, headaches, nausea, etc etc'.  So I tell myself no and what does my psyche say? ' Lizzz darling, you can handle it just this ONE time. You don't need to be on a diet right now, auditions aren't for a week. If you don't eat TOO much sugar, you can just start again tomorrow. Chug that water missy cause a headaches comin' and so is another brownie..' Yea, my psyche can be very persuasive. Conniving little bugger. And I don't live in a place now that makes it easy, my roommates constantly bake and make heavily processed or heavy foods that are not only offered to me, but obviously delicious, so it's hard to say no.
Well, I've caught myself in another cycle of this thinking again to the dangerous point where I say I'll start again tomorrow, eat to my hearts content and then don't start again tomorrow; only getting worse each time, assuming it's going to end soon and I have to live it up now before I go military style on my own booty. As we speak I'm literally nauseous from overeating sugary treats today. I've been praying the last several days for an answer of what to do and just now I think I've sort of received it:

Every day I have to live it moment by moment. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this and tell myself, 'If you can just get through this moment you'll be ok. If you can just get through today that's it. You're done.' And then repeat. Because I.... Am an addict. I hate to admit that. It's shamefully weak in my mind and your probably thinking how ridiculous it is to be addicted to sugar, but I promise you it's not hard, and I bet if you introspectively check yourself out from a third person perspective, you might notice something you can't seem to go without as well. Try taking that thing away now. TRY. Is it hard? Do you want to throw it all away and just keep that thing that's your weakness? Aha..... WEAKNESS. There's your kicker. And my kicker.. I realized awhile ago that sugar can't be something I give into just because it's not a taboo substance. Yes. It's not alcohol. It's not meth. It's not porn. It's not cigarettes or gambling or video games or whatever else is keeping loads of people from their exponential growth. But it's a weakness. And it's MY weakness. God said 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble' and that if they humble themselves and have faith in him, he will make weak things become strong.
So I've come to the realization that this is my weakness and that it was given to me to show God If I am willing to grow. That I MUST use it to humble myself and build a relationship with him and rely on him the best that I know to overcome it. I will not give in forever. Sometimes I meet people who have an addiction to Diet Coke, or whatever and they say to me that they have this addiction and that they are reliant open it. That they can't and won't give up and they make it almost a joke. Like it's their life blood. Their source of all that is in them.Well if that's the case.. How can God become your life blood?
Aren't you giving in to the wrong side if you do? The one that cares for you so little that he'd rather see you crushed than thriving? God simply cannot work upon you if you give in and tell yourself that you can't. You CAN, and you must. Because we are not only humans; We are the offspring of a God. How AMAZING is that? So if you're struggling with something, don't just say I can't. You can. You can with the help of a God (and that is not to be taken lightly) who loves you. And will do anything to HELP. YOU. when you humble yourself and have FAITH.
So I am not a weakling. I was born for greater. I will struggle with this STUPID, silly, ridiculous trial for a while, I'm sure. Maybe my whole life. But I know it's here to HELP me. And so I'll be a fighter.
Candy. Crush. ;)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Up, up, and AWAY

Every so often I will have a day or two where it's none stop and I am driving hundreds of miles in a day for auditions, photo shoots, filming, and then to an occasional family dinner. But lately, it's felt like all week has been much busier. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful, I'm just unsure how to fit everything I need to do in one day. I work a full time job, that I thankfully will be getting better hours at soon, am going to school online, plus acting classes and auditions, and working out, as well as trying to start a business and prepare for the next step in my life....

For the last year I have been getting the little feeling that I needed to move to California. I will be the first to admit that I don't like the idea of moving to the City of Angels. I went once when I was 15 to try to get into modeling (didn't go very well, I was too na├»ve to go anywhere in that industry at the time), and promptly decided I hated it. There was lots of cigarette smoke, seemingly self-absorbed people, too much city, and a distinct lack of mountains. I started modeling about 7 years later when I asked a friend to do some photos of me since my mother hadn't used a camera in years, and I felt I wanted something pretty to show future generations. She saw me a couple months later and said they needed a model for her photography class, I decided I enjoyed the fun, novelty, and art of it and searched opportunities to do more. After 4 years of modeling off and on, I had a friend who went to UCLA and graduated in film, I told him I thought it would be fun to act, we made a fun competition piece commercial and the rest is history!

I don't know why I'm supposed to move to LA. Truly, if it were up to me, I would give it another year, year and a half, at least. I don't feel even remotely ready. I feel confident that I'm passable in most of my acting so that people wont laugh when I'm on the screen (Unless its comedy, of course. Hardy-har-har), but I'm nowhere near the capabilities of some of my friends who are struggling to work as an actor there already. But I know I should go..

Part of me is excited at the possibilities of what that means, the other part of me is freaking out like a prom queen that just spilled grape juice on her dress as her hot date knocks at the door. Freak! What am I supposed to do? I don't want to work a full-time job out there 'cause I feel like that will kill opportunities, but I don't know exactly how I'm going to make ends meet. I don't know hardly anyone (active Mormons, especially) out there, and I have no idea where I'm going to live. So on top of trying to be a full-time student and worker, keeping a fit body, and striving to be an actor, I'm also trying to prepare for that. This includes finding an agency in LA, hopefully for modeling and acting, building a website, gathering all my reel and portfolio work, and learning how to use more Social Media... Yes, seriously. I just did my first Instagram post in almost 2 years and discovered I'd been tagged in more things than I had ever even posted.

But guess what? This is all doable. If God wants it done, its doable. So I have just tried to take every possible opportunity he throws my way (including going to a Model Search I knew I had no chance of winning in hopes they'd remember me when I lose that next 10 lbs. :) That's right... Wahoo!), and pray that I will be able to follow the guidance he gives as well as be led in my preparations for this.

So here is to fully embracing the absolutely terrifying roller coaster God seats us in and pulls the lever. Here's to meeting many more people I could come to love and possibly find love with. And here's to trusting God knows best. Even if I get kicked in the pants, if I can remember to keep the best perspective, like my mother, I know I can turn out a better person for it. So here's to LA. In July.

(Deep breaths...........) 


Ps. I have lost 10 lbs and to be at my goal weight I need to lose 10 more, which I hope to be at by the end of May.
Pps. I am back on that dumb medical diet. One of these days I'll be able to eat more than rabbit food and chicken. Embrace the rabbit food.. Embrace it.. :)

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Too Great Expectations

I feel like I've really come upon who I am the last few years, and I know the trials I've faced have helped get me there. But for some reason lately, when faced with new trials, some that I don't know how to battle, I am beginning to wonder who I am again. There are a few things that are for certain: I am a child of God, I am 'delightfully quirky' as my Bishop once said, and I have come to the knowledge that I am constantly in school- The school of life. And I treat it as such.

But lately there are a few lessons that I feel like have come from a place I never thought I'd face. I feel like when one of my weaknesses is swept asunder and no longer in the highlight, God somehow seems to procure another. And its not even one that anyone else can help me with. I have to figure it out on my own. Its a silent battle, and it makes me want to cry and throw an inner fit when I lose. Which I seem to do often lately. People see one side of it and don't know there is an underbelly. I never thought I'd face this demon really, I always wanted to be better than that. But its a byproduct of one of the things I love. And I hate that I feel like there are expectations. Expectations I'm not meeting. I hate that my dreams that are so high and seemingly out of reach already, are thrown even farther by my own weakness and shortcomings. People laugh at the follies of my humanity, but only cause I've learned to laugh at my own. But this time the laugh is hiding something that I don't know what to do with. It's always been too hard for me, but barely doable. But now.. Now it seems like I cant do it at all. So I try to undo it, and I feel like I might hurt myself trying. Right now it doesn't hurt. But someday maybe it will.

Ps. please forgive the code talking. But this demon is one that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help me with, so until then, I'll do it on my own.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Missionary splits

I've come to a new resolution recently that when it comes to things I cant control, I have the option to do one of two things: Complain about it, or decide that (after a good cry) finding things to be thankful for is a better option. Tonight was one of those moments. I heard in Sunday school class today that complaining about your situation in life is not only unproductive, but it doesn't allow us to recognize what the situation is: God's hand in our life. Although we like to only recognize the blessings we are given, which is wonderful to continuously notice, we need to see that when we have trials or things generally just not going our way, its not by chance. God is putting us in this situation for a reason that only he may know, but all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28), as he says.
So although I would really like to have what I want right now, knowing I'm not going to get it, I can complain about it, or I can strive to see an eternal perspective and find the blessings in knowing God's hand is constantly in my life, and this too is for my good. God knows who we are, what we need, at every moment, and loves us so incredibly much as to put us through trials that will test us and e nurture us to grow. I hope I can always remember that, its so hard sometimes when I'm so disappointed in knowing something I want very much is not going to be mine, or at least not for a really long while.
I love my Savior and I am grateful for all he has endured for me. I'm excited and nervous, and afraid for what my future might bring. Keeping that eternal perspective helps to lessen the fear though. Anything God puts in my path, even though I may feel like it could break me, is possible to overcome or do with God in my life. I hope you find the opportunity to see God's hand in your life too, and know his love for you is unending, without condition, without regard, and greater than your human scope can fathom. I hope someday to be able to fully understand that kind of love.


Today I was able to do splits almost all day with the sister missionaries. I'm grateful for the opportunities to see my own weaknesses and strengths through days like this. Sister Sammartano said that she thought my teaching was good enough that if she didn't know better she would have assumed I was a return missionary. I believe that is a real compliment: Being able to help bring the spirit and sincerely show God's love. I'm not exactly sure how I developed this trait (except maybe the several Mission Prep classes a week I attended in the many, many months I patiently waited for a call), but teaching the little things or complexities of God's gospel that I actually do understand, is something that sincerely brings me joy. I hope I am able to fulfill more opportunities like these. Sometimes I wish I could still go on a mission, but I know my time has passed for that, and so now I am just trying to find ways to serve and teach, as a missionary would, in my own life. I hope I can fulfill all these opportunities to the best of my potential. I love God and its times like these that reveal to me an obvious satisfaction in living His Gospel.

<3 for now and always.... Liz

Monday, January 27, 2014

Sunshine

Since my last post, I have found and let go of a wonderful man, went to Uganda, Africa, and moved around several times without a job. The wonderful man's name was Bronson and it still semi breaks my heart to think about how perfect he was. He really was AMAZING. You have to have capital letters to describe him, its the only way.. Unfortunately, long story short, it just didn't feel right, and it felt that way for both of us, so in the end it just fell apart. I was seriously  sure I was going to marry this guy at one point... Even said so straight to his face. I will also miss his wonderful mother, who in many ways was like my own, and I want to cry at the idea of not seeing his wonderful mom again. I knew when his family was so great, he was so great, everything was so GREAT that something had to be wrong. Of course, I had trust issues... So there was that. But really, it just felt too good to be true. How could all my hopes and wishes and desires be fulfilled? I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing and that introducing me to Bronson was maybe to revive my faith in good men and my hope that someday I could marry one. And to open up my hard shell of a heart. I think I did that for him too, even though I'm terrified I may have hurt him in the end instead of helping like I had wanted. I hope he knows how Amazing I still think he is, even despite his teeny tiny flaws that I know he thinks are ginormous.

Since that break up, I also had spun down into a hole the size of Kennecott, and ended up at a fork in the road: Do I stop traveling, do I keep dragging my anvil-weight baggage, or do I take a time-out from life and let someone help me unpack, figure out how to reorganize what I'm given along the way, and learn how to let it go as I can? So after I was very much close to the decision to stop traveling, my sister stepped in and yanked me on her bandwagon until I could get to my Time Out station (I know I'm being vague, but lets face it, there are too many judgmental people out there and this gives me license to deny anything. :)) After several weeks of someone pulling me out of the Kennecott-sized crater and helping me etch away at my anvils... I feel like I'm almost to the top of the ridge. And MY! I had no idea it was so bright up here without all the shadows to dim Life!! This same Life I refer to is the one that has been laden with sadness, hurt, abuse, neglect, illness, death, and overall combined to a crippling mentality and just hopelessness.
Many of my siblings have had to deal with these things in similar or the same ways, and after going through a couple weeks of climbing and etching at anvils, I had gotten to the point where I had started to see the Sun over the ridgeline. I was at lunch with a couple of my sisters and said to one of them, "You know that feeling like you are half drowning all the time??" She said yes. "Well, I don't feel like that anymore.!!!" I think she thought I was a bit looney for how enthusiastic I was over um.. unpacking and mountain climbing. I cant really blame her. I've been down there, in the shadows, for most my life. When you are down there, you can see the people up above you, but its almost a mirage, like you don't really believe the ability for you to be up there exists, so you don't believe in it. And I know people who have always seemed to live in the sun and to them, below is so dark from the blinding light that they are always in, that they don't really see or understand that anyone can be down there, it makes no sense to them.
I think I am one of the lucky ones honestly, after years of dragging anvils around in circles in my crater, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes dipping lower, I have been silently begging for and dreaming for the possibility to understand the sunshine. And the weird thing about being in the dark and low crater is that its truly that; You can try with all your might to go somewhere, but until you find a way to get to the top, you will just be going around in circles, going nowhere. The top is where you can travel about the world, build new things. I won't be surprised if this doesn't really make sense to some of you, but if it does and you are in the sun, despite your inevitable obstacles COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! You have no idea how many people would give a limb to understand where you are, even if you are just peeking over the skyline, you can see the sun and are close enough to eventually reach up and go somewhere. So DO it! For those of you who are in the pit: I understand. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. And I know sincerely and wholeheartedly how BLESSED I am! Because after so much time hoping, and praying, and searching, God placed an Arnold Schwarzenegger-size climber, that understood how to help me hold and taught me how to chisel and chip away at the anvils, within my path. And I am epically grateful for this person and evermore so for my Heavenly Father who's mercy and LOVE allowed me this new panorama. I have a deep faith that with prayers, time, and patience you may enjoy this grand view also.

So now that I see the sunrise, and how beautiful it is, I understand that the things God has asked of me to do are amazing and possible. I know I've got to move again (Yayyyyy......... ) and then I am going to start my own business. I'm really excited about it, and really nervous for the process at the same time. But I know its the direction God has pointed me to go to next and I have faith that if I'm supposed to create this thing (I may be introducing the idea to you all soon), that as I stop and ask for directions and pave my own pathway, he'll pick me up when I'm going to fall. Its amazing to me how in-my-face the Holy Ghost and it's guidance has been lately; I'm thankful for it, and even as I marvel at it, I hope I can continue to endeavor to deserve it.

Have a wonderful January everyone! Pray when you're up, not just when you're down, hold Hope with you always, and let Faith carry you ever in its wings. I'll never be able to describe the happiness the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me (Mormon.org), but I hope that you get to have, even at the very least, a smidgen of this happiness, because it is truly the greatest thing on Earth.

Love, Liz

Friday, July 5, 2013

Hoping with a Hopeless Soul

So the second Saturday in June I picked up a shift as a favor for doing a favor. Long story.. And then somehow a boulder got rolling at my work that somehow trampled me under it. Metaphorically. Don't worry, I still have all my limbs. But the point is, I'm not really sure what happened, but somehow they got peeved at me, and I got peeved back at them for being ridiculous about what they were upset with me about. Dumb stuff that half of it wasn't really my fault. After a long week of them suspending my shifts one after another and making me call them, and come in and talk to my manager (who was really only upset that I couldn't hide that I was borderline crying because I kind of started having an anxiety attack because a lot of ridiculous things were happening and I couldn't find a manager to help, therefore making my tables waiting, which was making my anxiety even worse..) and then wait some more and have to keep calling them.. which I just decided to quit on that next Friday after talking with a good friend about how they were being dumb about everything and I was pretty sure I was gonna get fired anyway since I defended myself pretty vehemently about how a lot of the things they were putting me through a ringer for weren't even my fault.

So I quit, handing them my letter of resignation right before we sat down for them to try to fire me. Thankfully I was already headed into work to give it to them when they called me a few minutes before I got there to call me in to do that. The funny thing is that when I handed the General Manager the letter and he asked what it was and I told him, he said 'That's perfect, cause that means I don't have to do what I was going to have to do.' He said he wanted to part amicably and if I knew what I was going to do? And that he would be happy to give me a letter of recommendation if I needed one. Ha! The other managers were the ones that were getting all huffy with me, but the General Manager still really liked me and even gave me a hug on the way out. Gosh. Life is weeeeeird. And its funny because half way during that week when I knew I was most likely not going to be working my job anymore (even after a glimmer of false hope from the GM saying not to worry about things and to call me the next day instead of Monday, I'm guessing he didn't care but the other managers had their panties a bit too twisted about it.), I was kind of okay with it. I feel like there was a reason I was at that job, and I remember feeling on day that whatever that reason was, it was fulfilled, and I didn't need to be there anymore. But I kept working there cause it was a good job, and good money, and I didn't know what else I wanted to do. So I think this was just God's way of pushing me out the door again. Like he did with Audi when I got laid off. I would never have left that job most likely, because it was so good. But working 7-15 hour days was not cohesive with God's plan, especially with my momma being so sick. She needed me and I'm glad God pushed me out the door so that I could spend so much more time with her and help to take care of her in her last few months.

Lesson learned: God knows what he's doing and has a plan for me. Even though I have hardly any idea what to do at this point. I know I'm supposed to go to school, and I have looked at the top 50 Fashion Design schools in the world and the one in Italy that I wanted to go to doesn't feel right. My lease is up on the 20th of this month and  I'm not sure where I'm going to go. I keep fasting and praying, although, to be honest I feel like I'm awful at praying, so I'm sure that's probably part of the reason I'm not getting an answer. Part of me wants to stay here, for family, cause I would really miss them, and for small dumb things like modeling or acting parts I have, or could have. But I guess I just need to find my spot in the world for me right now, cause I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm sure I'll add more to this later, but if I don't, sienara.. I guarantee that's spelled wrong. Peace.

(its probably better if I don't have anything more to say, cause most everything that's happened lately has been disheartening and depressing. Like helping people move that were evicted, and more family drama that just makes me feel... so hopeless, and that I don't have much to look forward to as far as life, love, and family. Got to remember that there are always thorns on every rose. Thorns on every rose.......)
-Liz

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Lucky girl

So, I'm at another one of those weird spots in my life. But I'll talk about that later. What I really am thinking about and dont understand right now is how on earth am I supposed to find some guy that fits ME? And if I do, how am I supposed to have him actually not only like me, but LOVE me? I dont get it. I just finished a conversation with a guy that made me laugh, he likes rock climbing (me too), is trying to find a great barber to get a good 50's style classic hair cut (um, LOVE!) and, well, he makes me smile when i talk to him, and its just easy. But then he's a big outdoorsist. Like hiking 11 miles to camp in a snow bank for fun, type guy. Dont get me wrong, I love mother nature, but im not about to do ANYTHING like that and put it in the same category as fun, ahem, slide it over to the torture column more like. Thank you. And then there is another guy, who is AWESOME, but he watches some tv shows I hate (cause I think they are spiritually degrading and just crude), although he does make me laugh. I am always on the edge with him though because im never sure how he's feeling about me (yep, I'm pretty selfconscious. SURPRISE!), and well crud, I dont know. But I like him. There are more guys im dating that fit certain parts of me, but really, how am I supposed to find a guy that is into the same things I am, has the same life goals, is spiritual, doesnt think im crazy, etc., etc... I think its darn near impossible. And throw in my incredible fear/ terror of marriage, I think I'm kind of doomed. How do people do it???
I think its going to take a miracle. I think I still have faith in those..

Things the Ideal Guy for Me Would Like
  (just for the heck of it..)

Sushi
Dancing (country swing and ballroom)
rock climbing
going on walks
long, deep conversations
shotgun shooting
50's music and style
old man sweaters (i have no idea why i like them so much, but I do. Maybe its the classy, old look to it?)
cats, or at least be openminded. and dogs. cause I want one of those someday
humanitarian work
traveling
rodeos
motorcycles
country music (or at least tolerate it for my sake)
watching movies (but not hardly any rated R ones! although I will admit to watching a few choice ones too.. sigh)
healthy food
likes to cook or at least not expect me to do it all alone. I have to have company to enjoy cooking usually.
exercising
spiritual minded things- reading scriptures, saying prayers, fulfilling his callings, listening to conference talks.
good style- and by this i mean, not always wearing tshirts and old sneakers. Yes, I just said sneakers. Having a good sense of humor
My crazy family
Being motivated and driven
Making something of himself
Being a good father
Castle (the tv show)
A healthy dose of nerdiness. (although i'm not talking playing Magic Cards on weekends.)
A dislike for wasting exhorbant amount of time on video games. (seriously, woohoo! you made it to level 10 of Wizards of Combat.. or whatever the game is called. Dont hate me..)
Treating a girl like a lady that is there by CHOICE. And NOT like a play thing..

So this is my list of unrealistic expectations. Honestly, I'll be lucky if I find a guy who has even 2/3 of these things. But as long as its the important things like wanting to be a good father and being motivated and driven, and hope upon hope, loves my family, and treats me with respect.. I think I'll be ok. Now.. Good luck with all that, right? :)

Things I'd Like to Be For Him

good mother of his children
motivator
good cook (im trying to learn!!)
someone he can feel proud of (and show off if he wants to)
witty conversationalist
best friend
companion in any project he needs or wants me
smart
accomplished in my own goals
in good shape (ahem..)
healthy
good listener
confidant
a reason to smile
spiritual
continually striving to be better
understanding
above all, Loving.

I'm sure id be happy to add to this list if he wanted me too. Within reason, of course. (I hate sexist women jokes.. Expect a good punch if you say one anywhere within ear shot.) Anyway, I hope he would find me worth having and that he would think that he is a 'lucky guy'. The end.