Sunday, December 7, 2014

Too Great Expectations

I feel like I've really come upon who I am the last few years, and I know the trials I've faced have helped get me there. But for some reason lately, when faced with new trials, some that I don't know how to battle, I am beginning to wonder who I am again. There are a few things that are for certain: I am a child of God, I am 'delightfully quirky' as my Bishop once said, and I have come to the knowledge that I am constantly in school- The school of life. And I treat it as such.

But lately there are a few lessons that I feel like have come from a place I never thought I'd face. I feel like when one of my weaknesses is swept asunder and no longer in the highlight, God somehow seems to procure another. And its not even one that anyone else can help me with. I have to figure it out on my own. Its a silent battle, and it makes me want to cry and throw an inner fit when I lose. Which I seem to do often lately. People see one side of it and don't know there is an underbelly. I never thought I'd face this demon really, I always wanted to be better than that. But its a byproduct of one of the things I love. And I hate that I feel like there are expectations. Expectations I'm not meeting. I hate that my dreams that are so high and seemingly out of reach already, are thrown even farther by my own weakness and shortcomings. People laugh at the follies of my humanity, but only cause I've learned to laugh at my own. But this time the laugh is hiding something that I don't know what to do with. It's always been too hard for me, but barely doable. But now.. Now it seems like I cant do it at all. So I try to undo it, and I feel like I might hurt myself trying. Right now it doesn't hurt. But someday maybe it will.

Ps. please forgive the code talking. But this demon is one that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help me with, so until then, I'll do it on my own.