Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Disconnected.

I now realize that it's been 5 months since I have written on this. And my, how my life has changed. I became the legal guardian to a 16 (now 17) year old, who also happens to be my sister. I am still working at The Cheese or The Factory, or whatever you'd like to call it, pick your nickname. I am finally a server and even though this does create somewhat more money, it has not picked up at the restaurant and so small hours still equals small funds. I am just beginning to realize how hard the atrocity of my life is. I think I've been in a (thankfully) blissful denial of it this whole time.

My sister isn't going to school. The brilliant little Imp (She picks up on Latin like it's not a dead language..) has grown up with no one really making her go to school or showing her how sincerely important it was, but instead letting her slide by because, well, my mom was too sick to really enforce it on or show her. Bless her soul. So my brilliant little Imp (I say this affectionally believe it or not..) of a sister wakes up with 'headaches' or  'nausea' or 'insane dizziness' or 'breathing problems' or occasionally her alarm 'didn't go off' or somehow she 'slept through it'. She walks to school which is less than 5 minutes away, so i dont need to drive her. In fact it takes longer to drive her to school because the path by our house leads directly to the school, unlike the road that goes AROUND half the city to take her there. Oh and if I try to wake her up to help her out? She gets offended and 'it only makes her want to do the things I want her to do less'. So she says. She is an angel when it comes to the majority of morals. I have to make sure I am not saying something even in the least bit offensive around her most the time and make sure the music that is on the radio doesn't have offensive words. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, she would be the one keeping me in check. And I am so proud of her for that. But she has a stubbornness that could not be matched by most mules. Anyone who knows her knows I can't toss her off her bed and into the car either. She is able to throw her body weight around more than I can, so that is out of the question. So what do I do? She is going to fail almost all her classes this Term, I think. And I feel lost. And hopeless. And tired of trying things I know probably won't work anyway.

Today was awful. For one reason only. Well almost everyday is hard just because its a new day sometimes I feel, but this one was awful. We had to send in my mom's death certificate to our phone carrier to switch my siblings and my accounts over to my name. I called them after I got the letter a week ago that they had received her death certificate so that I could complete the transfer. They told me that when they did the transfer that it would wipe clean all of our voicemail accounts.    .....................................   Not happening. I had 3 voicemails from my mom that I had kept carefully saved on there so that I would never lose her voice. (I had accidently deleted 2 of them one day while cleaning out old voicemails and after freaking out, realized that since I hadnt hung up yet I would be able to retrieve them and resave them. PHEW!) So I told them I didnt want to transfer the accounts yet until I could figure out how to save her voicemails to a computer, he said basically that I had a limited time to do this. Well I had no clue how and was attempting to try to get friends to help me with it, several times, but it always escaped me to get right on it (..As most things do. Sometimes I wonder if it's really just the skin on my neck that is holding my head on.. clearly nothing else is going on up there.)  So I woke up this morning to a phone that had no reception. The little X was the only thing showing a possibility of there ever being any connection. I went to check my account online and it said that my number had been canceled. SHI%$#$$#nitch. I knew what that most likely meant. I called and after the 3rd time telling the gentleman on the phone he understood my sad story. Unfortunately with all his trying there wasnt anything he could do to have my voicemails not disappear.

50 minutes later I hung up the phone and resigned to the sadness of not having the dial-up option of hearing my foregone mother's voice.

The rest of the day was uneventful, but as I sat on the computer talking with friends who I felt just somehow sapped energy and soul from me more, I realized I have an undying sadness in my soul that never seems to go away. Never feels satisfied. I want it to go away. I miss my mother so much sometimes. I felt like I was protected and everything somehow was going to work out okay even with the horridness that always seemed to happen in our lives. And I dont know what to do here without her. I feel so consistenly blessed, so I somehow feel ungrateful for dwelling on the haplessness of life and not focusing on the greatness of my gifts more. I just dont know how to really feel REALLY happy again somedays. Even draining the fluid from my moms lungs or just sitting close to her on her bed while she lay asleep with her reality competition shows playing, I felt more alive. Now I feel blessed, but somewhat alone and sapped of my previous liveliness.

Sorry to vent. But I feel tired of the hardness of life. I know everyone has their own trials. This is just me sharing mine. And hoping someone understands and can give some solutions. SOMETHING, Give me SOMETHING.

On to some hopeful or maybe better news.... I got accepted into a Talent Agency here in Salt Lake. Even though I was accepted for modeling I tried out for the acting section and one of the managers seemed to think I had some promise, so I have a call back to do another test reading on Thursday. I have gotten a few opportunites to do some acting and a few photoshoots as well. Which I enjoy. I am hoping this goes somewhere. Not for me really. But I think if I had a chance to make something of myself and be in the limelight some how, it would be ABSOLUTELY amazing to be able to be a good example for others (If I can continue to try to make good decisions and be that good example). Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that in this field. Sometimes I want to walk away from it just cause its too hard, or to just make it easier and wear something that isn't exactly 'temple modest'. Pray for me that if I do end up going somewhere, that I can retain my morals to be the example that I want to be with my whole heart and soul.
Well folks. Thats enough rambling for me again I guess for now.. I hope life is going well for you and that you aren't struggling so nearly and desperately as I feel I am at times. And if you are, take it one moment at a time. There is always someone out there who has been there too and is willing and hoping to understand you.
Love you all. Cheers.




Saturday, June 30, 2012

Our last song

For my Mom. ♥

Rough translation:
Sing a song
And for a moment
You will be visited by the wind
Sing a song
And for a moment
Dream sweetly of the wind
Sleep now until the night is dawn
The wind and the night song, they are there
However the song, my child, will go on forever.

Our last song. Love and miss you Mom..


When I was younger my sister and I made a CD for my mom with peaceful and happy songs, some of our favorites. This was one of my favorites as well as one of my mothers. The morning she died, she was barely coherent and the CD we made was playing for her. I held her hand through this song, clinging to her arm while it was playing. This was the last song that played fully through before she died. I'm thankful for it, I will always have it. I will miss her more than I could ever say, and more than tears can ever express. She taught me how to be strong, how to be happy, how to be the person I want to be and so much of who I am. So this is it: Our last song.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Guilt

So its hitting me now. My mother is so sick. And I don't know what to do. I try not to be depressed because, well, it doesn't help anything. For those of you who don't know its just me, my little sister Amy (who is 16, a hermit, and who I am guardian for), and me living in this small little house which is really quiet most of the time despite the constant hum of my mom's oxygen tank. I wasn't there last night to make dinner which is usually what my older sister will do and bring over, but I realized after I was already in Layton to help be a personal shopper for a friend (sometimes guys just need a little insight in the 'what should I wear on a daily basis' area) that I did not check to make sure that she would be. So I called my sis who had called my mom already, and since I had forgotten to tell my mom my plans for the day, had said I was home and could cook. So I had to call my mom and apologize and ask my little sister if she would cook. Guilt. I should be there.

My mom said she woke up in the middle of the night and was craving one of the sweet salads I make her (its nummy, with spinach, romaine, craisens, almonds, romano cheese, and blueberry pomegranate dressing) and didn't want to wake me up. So she tried to get to the kitchen herself. She couldn't find the almonds and craisens in the cupboards (her eyesight is still bad from the brain tumors and I am taking her to the doc again today for them) and subsequently knocked over several cans which knocked over a bunch of glass and it all made a big crashing noise. She said she was expecting both Amy and I to come rushing in freaked out like we usually do, but neither one of us woke up. Guilt.

I don't really know what to say.. Anything I feel like I want to say sounds like it would be complaining. I feel like a horrible daughter sometimes because even tho I only work 20 hours a week instead of my old 65, I feel like I am always gone doing something with friends or some such other activity. I try to only do things after 8 or 9 o'clock so that I know my mother will mostly be sleeping. Sometimes I forget and I will not have drained her lungs before I leave, which is really pretty uncomfortable for her and she really only has one she can breathe out of with the other having complications. And I will mistakenly give her too much or the wrong medicine. Like this morning. I didn't realize when I woke up to take my medicine and give her hers that she didn't need to take two pain pills anymore cause we had switched her to stronger medicine. So I gave her too many painkillers. She says its ok, things will start to even out with her meds and it just means she will sleep all day... Guilt. And a bunch of other stupid things I do wrong. I wish I was better at this. I wish I didn't feel the need to go out with friends, but I feel like I do sometimes for Sanity's sake.

I realize that all of the things I think I would enjoy doing, like going to Africa for a summer, or trying to do modeling seriously, are dreams that may be of the past, or at least postponed, or made that much harder because I will be here with my sister. I want to do this, but I feel like I am failing already. She might not graduate from 10th grade home school and I don't know how to help her since she wont take my help. Guilt.

I know life could be harder. I met a girl a few days ago who it looked like was burned head to toe and she only had one hand. She was sweet. She was hard to look at and I can only imagine what must have happened to have her look that way. But she was nice and seemed to have a happy attitude. It reminded me of how life can always be harder. Things can always be worse and how lucky I am for all the things I DO have. I'll try to be upbeat and cheerful, as usual. I can just tell it is getting harder. My mom has less freedom and strength than a 92 year old lady that walked in just fine to my restaurant yesterday. Its heartbreaking.. Again I am thankful for her cheerful attitude and for the opportunity to still have her here in my life, still teaching me lessons. Guess that's it for now. I'll think of something cheery next time to write about hopefully. Loves.

Ps. Boys are obnoxious.
Pps. Go home and hug your mom. Or call her if she's still here. Times a wasting. ♥

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Big Day

So today my mom is getting surgery to have the edema drained from her liver area. (It makes her look pregnant and she jokes that she is going to be delivered, and that all her recent deliveries have been under the sign Aquarius. Ha ha!) Yes, my mother is a hoot. :) Also, she is going to have a brain scan done today since her cross eyes had gotten worse. I felt so bad for her cause she couldn't see anything right and every time we would have to drive somewhere she would be in a panic since it looked like we were going to hit every vehicle on the side of the road. But she has a good attitude about it. They put a prism on one side of her glasses to fix it and now she says everything looks like its trying to be a 3d movie and there are psychedelic rainbows everywhere. Lol.

She asked me once if her lightheartedness about things was too much. I told her, no, it was just perfect. I don't know what I would do if she tried to be all serious about it. It makes me cry even at the moments when things are serious on their own. The other day I woke up from a nap to her playing the piano. She hasn't played the piano in almost ten years. I cried. It was slow and beautiful. And she had to stop eventually cause she couldn't see the notes straight. It made me happy though. Happy sad. She asked if I was okay cause I was hiding half my face with the wall and my eyes were teary and I was sniffling. She thought I was getting sick or had allergies. I went with it. She would be so sad if she knew I was sad. She said that one day, "Now try not to be sad or cry, because you know when I am up there I will just be sad and crying because my babies are sad and crying." I love her.

Yesterday was kind of an off day. I woke up and showered after making my mom breakfast and I was going to get ready and go to my sacrament meeting before I'd go to my moms with her. But I couldn't find anything to wear I felt, (cause my closet still has painting supplies in it and I haven't really unpacked anything because of it yet. Yea, I know.. I'm lazy.) so I just climbed in bed and I felt so down that I just didn't want to get back out. I made it to church with my mom tho, which was really nice. I just wish there was more of my siblings there. They were invited. They just didn't want to come..

I'll tell you about the surprise gift for my mom. Lets just say we lucked out and there is a super nice and really amazing pianist that happens to be in my stake who was kind enough to agree to play for my mom. I just am really nervous about it for some reason. I just have nervousness about today. And with really busy pianists, brain scans, and a surgery.. That really makes it worse that I feel nervous about today. Pray for me. And my mom. And the pianist. Lol.

I did a modeling job the other day. I went to a casting call for Aloxxi (that's another story that is kind of amusing that I might have to tell another time) and I got it, thankfully. So it was for the big Hair Show at the South Towne Expo Center and they dyed my hair bright red, twice actually. It was too green under the lights for the first show day, so they dyed it again, lol. Which I actually liked better. :) So there was a secret prayer that was actually answered there. :) But I had to wear something immodest. And a couple of the other models were Mormon too and were endowed. The girl Mormon had to wear something immodest, I asked them what they thought about when they had to do that. The guy said he considered it part of his job and it was an activity that he couldn't wear his G's. The girl kind of said the same thing although she didn't love that she had to wear something immodest. It made me feel a little better about wearing a tube top dress and so I just tried to tell myself that it was okay. But throughout this whole week when I have had other possibilities come up for shoots and I have tried to keep that mentality.. It just hasn't felt right. I felt sad, and off, and a little sick with myself. I always told myself I would keep my modesty if I could make this a career, but now I am seeing the increasing difficulty in it. I'm so confused. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how I can make something out of this while still keeping my values intact. I'll figure it out.. I think.

One more thing. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I don't remember how it came up, but she said something that kind of surprised me. She said she had always considered the cancer a blessing. I asked her why, and she said that otherwise we would have just been halfway children, or something like that. That since my father wasn't there that she would have always had to been at work and she would never see us and we would never feel like we had a parent or that we would see her. So this was a way for her to stay home and to be with us and still be able to have us have food and a home. (She had thankfully had disability insurance when she was diagnosed with it. Although, I would never say we didn't struggle.) My mom thought having cancer was a blessing because it meant she would get to be with us. Wow. It made me realize how really amazing she is. How much she loved us and how much she would have sacrificed and did sacrifice for us. She is incredible, and I am so happy and thankful that I am able to live the time she has left with her, and that she has been in my life.

Happy Monday everyone. Make today the best. Cause that is up to you to decide. Happy day!
-Liz :)

Monday, April 30, 2012

Whininess

So I realize its been a couple months since I have posted on this, and my life has changed a lot. I got laid off from my job at Audi (there goes my dream of buying a house, but its probably for the best) and quit Home Depot, and got hired on at The Cheesecake Factory at City Creek. Actually, all of that happened within one week, although not in that order. That was a fun one..

My mom finally decided that she couldn't raise my little sisters anymore (it's been awhile now that she hasn't had the ability to do much, and a 12 and 16 year old aren't the best caregivers), and so my littlest sister Nikki and I switched houses and she is now being raised by my older sister and I am now living with my mother and TRYing to help my 16 year old sister. TRY being the keyword because, as of this moment, I am giving her another half hour to sleep because I think I have found my match for a stubborn personality. She has been in home schooling for a couple years now, and since she did not have someone to really enforce it, she mostly has just been sleeping in and reading books all day and having 'issues' with the computer program that is her home schooling. Heaven help me.

Several weeks ago my mom was told by her Doctor that she wasn't responding to Chemo anymore and with the water in her lungs and liver that constantly refills, they said they are giving her 2 to 3 months. To live.

I don't know why I've been so blind to the fact that this is coming, it still hasn't quite really hit me, it is pretty much just very surreal. Maybe its cause some days she seems so much better, but I know that is just because what energy she had that was sapped from the Chemo treatments is being returned. I don't want to think about it, and I think that's one reason I think I am "doing so well with it" some days. But the days where she just suddenly says "We need to talk about what make up I'll be wearing" or when I check in on her sleeping and I'm scared to think she might not be breathing, so I check, or when I check her skin and its cold and I frantically check somewhere else to make sure its just the air from the window making it chilly. Those are the days when I see it, its in front of my eyes. I have a mom who wont be there anymore, wont be alive.

My uncle flew in from Florida last week to make sure a lot of the final arrangements were in order. It was nice to see him even though I knew why he was there. Especially nice because he seemed to just mostly be there to spend quality time, like he was squeezing in the extra that he didn't realize he hadn't put in on his last trips or over the time he knew she had cancer.

So after talking with my mom and discussing what would happen with my little sister Amy (the 16 year old), and talking over the options- My older sister has already taken in the 12 year old and has 3 young children of her own, my dad is disabled and cant hardly take care of himself in many ways, my younger sister already has a baby to take care of, and then I don't have a boyfriend even to speak of and I am the only child that is mostly active in the Mormon church. So I volunteered. Not for only those reasons, but because I really want to help my sister be able to see the life that she dreams, and have a life period. She wants to be a Librarian and go to BYU. Cause that's where she says all the RM's go. Lol.  I don't think she has any idea of the work its going to take to get there, but I am going to try and help her with it. So I will be the guardian of a 16 year old, and sometimes I wonder if I have enough of a brain to handle myself, lol.

On a lighter note, I have gone on a fair amount of dates recently and started dating this amazing guy, who was just so so fun. Unfortunately, I had the feeling the relationship wasn't right, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how any guy I marry is going to have to be ok with me being a guardian of a teenager and helping with that too. So I ended things with the him, and I can kind of only hope, that if a guy like that isn't supposed to work out, maybe there is another amazing guy (that can handle me and all I have to deal with) somewhere out there for me.

 I feel like I sound like I'm whining, but I mostly just have to look at everything in a simple and objective light to not fall apart sometimes. I have to say living in this house is nice, despite all of the cats, lol. It is so quiet some days, between my mother sleeping all the time and my sister shut up in her room, that I feel like I live alone sometimes. I'm grateful for my mom and how well she is handling things. She's amazing. She has such a lighthearted take on things most of the time. Like the fact that her eyes have started to see cross-eyed because her health is so bad. She said that when my siblings were going to try to take her to the Festival of Tulips that "one good thing about this is that instead of seeing 10,000 tulips, I get to see 50,000!" Lol. Ugh. She's awesome. I am trying to take on her attitude of optimism.

Well, thats enough complaining I guess for now. I have to go get my sister up since I've let her sleep 12 minutes more than I said, and I cant let her win. Lol. Jk.. Sort of.

Liz

Ps If anyone is having those 'You're such a good daughter' thoughts that I get when I tell people about my situation, please don't. I wish I had been better this whole time. I wish I had spent less time trying to distance myself from the situation and been more thoughtful and helpful. That hurts. Anyways. Gotta go. Happy Monday everyone!

Pps. Pray for me and my family. I'm realizing the importance of it even more. Thanks.

Ppps. Sorry for my whininess. I'll make this happier next time.. :)

Friday, February 3, 2012

Blogalicious.

So I am helping mom house hunt. It all started when I said I was looking to buy a house myself (I know I'm crazy, the fact has been all but notorized). Then I told my mom about it, and she thought that it might be a good idea for her to change up her living situation as well, since she figured the idea of coming in and trying to raise my sisters and fixing up her little house after she passes would be a chore too much to ask for. So here I am a house hunting. Its kind of fun house shopping for someone else, I love these kinds of things. Something that isn't split level entry, has at least 4 rooms, less than a $???, open living area, most everything accessible on the main floor. We've been to one house already and that trip was atrocious. Trying to wheel my mom around in the house and her trying to walk down the stairs and such. Its too much to ask for. So now... dun dun dun.. I have decided for my sisters and I to try to do house visits by Skype. If thats at all possible. I just got a new smart phone (but she doesnt have one, has a laptop tho) and I'm thinking of just walking around the house doing that. But i'm so technology handicapped that I'm not sure how I'll do it. I'd be perfectly happy to get any advice on the matter.. Maybe a free lunch for anyone who wants to walk me through it? Pretty please??

Testimony is still a struggle. It would help if I wasn't sick the past 2 weeks and couldnt (or didnt want to) make it to church. I'm trying. But its hard when you struggle with wanting to go merely by faith. And when there are certain logics. And if we are going to by-pass those logics, then what is to say that any other religions that by-passes those logics couldn't be correct either? It's all very hard for me, but the one thing mostly that ties me in is that the feeling is good. My life is better when I live the 'Gospel', I know that, I can feel that, and at least, I have a testimony of that. So I'm still trying. :)

I met a new friend, his name is Doug. And he's pretty stellar. I went and hung out with him and met his fam last night. Some people are so talented that it just blows your mind. He's one of those people. I feel like he's opened me up to some new ideas and possibilites, and I can't wait to hang out again and explore them even more. I need that right now. In a time where I feel like I'm treading vague waters, I need that light of inspiration in my life.

video 
(Sorry for my obnoxious laugh, he said something that made me crack up really bad right before this)

Something I learned: Life is a choice. You can choose mediocrity or you can wrestle the odds and, just per chance, come out on top.

Something I want to do: My friend asked me yesterday (after a long conversation that is too long to script out, so I'll just omit it for your most probable ADD-ness)what it is I want to do, so here was my reply (this is just a list of the things that were on my mind yesterday):

Go buy a house. Make a dress. Learn sign language. Learn Italian. Get a different second job. Learn to bake cakes. Find a way to be ok dating someone. Go ice skating. Make a music video. Travel the world and do a huge humanitarian project. Learn how to help people with addictions. Take a nap.

I at least did the last one. :) For about 5 hours actually.. I know. Take it when you can, right? Ok, well thats all for today, I hope you are having a splendid Friday and making the most of every moment. TGIF!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

With Great Purpose in Heart

So I might change this up a bit. :) But first I'll start with updates, (cause I write this so rarely) my mom has gotten off the Red Devil chemo since even that isnt working. She's gotten alot worse, but I think prayers for her have kept her going steady even so. They are putting her on a new medicine which will kill her red blood cells and make her immune system plummet. So now I will be eyeing every coworker that has even the sniffles as if they carry they plague.. Lol. Don't worry I'll still be nice (in that don't-come-within-15-feet-of-me! type of way). I have started school again (AHHHHHHH!!), and have faith that I will do better at the whole working two jobs and taking 3 classes thing, since I wasnt the best at it last time. Oh, and I have to pay for it all on my own since working two jobs all of last year apparently un-qualifies me for Federal Grant money. Boo. Thankfully, I think I will have saved up enough by this week to not have to do a loan this semester. YAAAY!

So you want to hear something sad? Ok, you dont, but I'll say it anyways. So in my fashion design classes, every now and then there is a boy in the class who is usually accompinied by his very liberal girl friend. And everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE is talking, and its usually about boys. EVERYONE. Which means the boy is even talking about... well.. boys. And his boyfriend. And now that I am no longer going on a mission (well at least not for awhile til things get better, or.. much worse, with my mom) I have lost that very relaxed, 'I don't give a buffalo's nose' attitude about dating boys. I've mostly gotten over my heart being stuck in a blender and throttled about, and after 2 or more years of not having a REAL relationship, I kind of miss it, and (I'm CRINGING as I say this) may kinda sorta possibly, maybe, be sorta.. wanting one again. PHEW. I think I'm gonna puke. :) So anyways, the sad part is, I was kind of jealous of the gay classmate for having a boyfriend. Don't worry, even I think that sounds strange. :P

I may possibly have figured out something I can major in. HOORAY!! I was on facebook, and saw an ad for going to school to become an addiction counseler. Don't ask me why but this is something that whenever I saw a job for working in a Rehabilitation center, of any kind, I have always kind of wanted to try. They were always a job to be a watch person or whatever, but the idea of being around those people, and coming to understand and see if I could possibly help them has always been an interest to me (Although the big turn down is that it would be Uber depressing, and lets face it, I don't need more of that in my life). At the same time I saw an ad for learning to decorate cakes and looked at that too. SIGH. That's me. Undecisive. Actually, I wouldn't say so much indecisive as the fact that SO MANY things interest me. I LOVE to learn, it makes me happy. I would probably rather be a Jack of all trades and a Master at none, than the alternative. It makes me happy to know things, probably because I feel on the IQ scale (compared to my siblings) I got jipped, so I just love to know and understand many things. So, my objective? Look into majoring in something that could help me be an Addict counseler. If not I'll do PR. Don't ask me what I'll do with that. Oh, and I'm going to learn to decorate cakes. And I'm currently trying to learn Italian. 'La donna scrive'. Which brings me to my next part.

I'm going to make a list of things I've always wanted to do. One by One, a new one each post. :)
Oh and maybe a list of things I learned as well, random as they may be.

1) I have always wanted to ride atop a train. Preferably in a foreign country, but it doesnt have to be. Just sitting there cross legged, with the wind in my hair face towards the setting sun. And maybe attempting to stand up and pretend I'm surfing. Just for fun. So there, that's number one. Maybe someday. :)

Something I learned today: (this morning at 7 am on my way to work) I can sing higher if I use the back of my throat and maybe sing a little through my nose, which unfortunately makes me sound like a man, but I can switch it up for certain parts. Which would have been helpful to know in '06 when I did that beauty pageant and sang Opera.. Poor audience. :)

Well that's all for now folks!

"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart." -Gordon B. Hinckley
Love from a friend- Liz ♥