So today my mom is getting surgery to have the edema drained from her liver area. (It makes her look pregnant and she jokes that she is going to be delivered, and that all her recent deliveries have been under the sign Aquarius. Ha ha!) Yes, my mother is a hoot. :) Also, she is going to have a brain scan done today since her cross eyes had gotten worse. I felt so bad for her cause she couldn't see anything right and every time we would have to drive somewhere she would be in a panic since it looked like we were going to hit every vehicle on the side of the road. But she has a good attitude about it. They put a prism on one side of her glasses to fix it and now she says everything looks like its trying to be a 3d movie and there are psychedelic rainbows everywhere. Lol.
She asked me once if her lightheartedness about things was too much. I told her, no, it was just perfect. I don't know what I would do if she tried to be all serious about it. It makes me cry even at the moments when things are serious on their own. The other day I woke up from a nap to her playing the piano. She hasn't played the piano in almost ten years. I cried. It was slow and beautiful. And she had to stop eventually cause she couldn't see the notes straight. It made me happy though. Happy sad. She asked if I was okay cause I was hiding half my face with the wall and my eyes were teary and I was sniffling. She thought I was getting sick or had allergies. I went with it. She would be so sad if she knew I was sad. She said that one day, "Now try not to be sad or cry, because you know when I am up there I will just be sad and crying because my babies are sad and crying." I love her.
Yesterday was kind of an off day. I woke up and showered after making my mom breakfast and I was going to get ready and go to my sacrament meeting before I'd go to my moms with her. But I couldn't find anything to wear I felt, (cause my closet still has painting supplies in it and I haven't really unpacked anything because of it yet. Yea, I know.. I'm lazy.) so I just climbed in bed and I felt so down that I just didn't want to get back out. I made it to church with my mom tho, which was really nice. I just wish there was more of my siblings there. They were invited. They just didn't want to come..
I'll tell you about the surprise gift for my mom. Lets just say we lucked out and there is a super nice and really amazing pianist that happens to be in my stake who was kind enough to agree to play for my mom. I just am really nervous about it for some reason. I just have nervousness about today. And with really busy pianists, brain scans, and a surgery.. That really makes it worse that I feel nervous about today. Pray for me. And my mom. And the pianist. Lol.
I did a modeling job the other day. I went to a casting call for Aloxxi (that's another story that is kind of amusing that I might have to tell another time) and I got it, thankfully. So it was for the big Hair Show at the South Towne Expo Center and they dyed my hair bright red, twice actually. It was too green under the lights for the first show day, so they dyed it again, lol. Which I actually liked better. :) So there was a secret prayer that was actually answered there. :) But I had to wear something immodest. And a couple of the other models were Mormon too and were endowed. The girl Mormon had to wear something immodest, I asked them what they thought about when they had to do that. The guy said he considered it part of his job and it was an activity that he couldn't wear his G's. The girl kind of said the same thing although she didn't love that she had to wear something immodest. It made me feel a little better about wearing a tube top dress and so I just tried to tell myself that it was okay. But throughout this whole week when I have had other possibilities come up for shoots and I have tried to keep that mentality.. It just hasn't felt right. I felt sad, and off, and a little sick with myself. I always told myself I would keep my modesty if I could make this a career, but now I am seeing the increasing difficulty in it. I'm so confused. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how I can make something out of this while still keeping my values intact. I'll figure it out.. I think.
One more thing. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I don't remember how it came up, but she said something that kind of surprised me. She said she had always considered the cancer a blessing. I asked her why, and she said that otherwise we would have just been halfway children, or something like that. That since my father wasn't there that she would have always had to been at work and she would never see us and we would never feel like we had a parent or that we would see her. So this was a way for her to stay home and to be with us and still be able to have us have food and a home. (She had thankfully had disability insurance when she was diagnosed with it. Although, I would never say we didn't struggle.) My mom thought having cancer was a blessing because it meant she would get to be with us. Wow. It made me realize how really amazing she is. How much she loved us and how much she would have sacrificed and did sacrifice for us. She is incredible, and I am so happy and thankful that I am able to live the time she has left with her, and that she has been in my life.
Happy Monday everyone. Make today the best. Cause that is up to you to decide. Happy day!