Monday, April 30, 2012


So I realize its been a couple months since I have posted on this, and my life has changed a lot. I got laid off from my job at Audi (there goes my dream of buying a house, but its probably for the best) and quit Home Depot, and got hired on at The Cheesecake Factory at City Creek. Actually, all of that happened within one week, although not in that order. That was a fun one..

My mom finally decided that she couldn't raise my little sisters anymore (it's been awhile now that she hasn't had the ability to do much, and a 12 and 16 year old aren't the best caregivers), and so my littlest sister Nikki and I switched houses and she is now being raised by my older sister and I am now living with my mother and TRYing to help my 16 year old sister. TRY being the keyword because, as of this moment, I am giving her another half hour to sleep because I think I have found my match for a stubborn personality. She has been in home schooling for a couple years now, and since she did not have someone to really enforce it, she mostly has just been sleeping in and reading books all day and having 'issues' with the computer program that is her home schooling. Heaven help me.

Several weeks ago my mom was told by her Doctor that she wasn't responding to Chemo anymore and with the water in her lungs and liver that constantly refills, they said they are giving her 2 to 3 months. To live.

I don't know why I've been so blind to the fact that this is coming, it still hasn't quite really hit me, it is pretty much just very surreal. Maybe its cause some days she seems so much better, but I know that is just because what energy she had that was sapped from the Chemo treatments is being returned. I don't want to think about it, and I think that's one reason I think I am "doing so well with it" some days. But the days where she just suddenly says "We need to talk about what make up I'll be wearing" or when I check in on her sleeping and I'm scared to think she might not be breathing, so I check, or when I check her skin and its cold and I frantically check somewhere else to make sure its just the air from the window making it chilly. Those are the days when I see it, its in front of my eyes. I have a mom who wont be there anymore, wont be alive.

My uncle flew in from Florida last week to make sure a lot of the final arrangements were in order. It was nice to see him even though I knew why he was there. Especially nice because he seemed to just mostly be there to spend quality time, like he was squeezing in the extra that he didn't realize he hadn't put in on his last trips or over the time he knew she had cancer.

So after talking with my mom and discussing what would happen with my little sister Amy (the 16 year old), and talking over the options- My older sister has already taken in the 12 year old and has 3 young children of her own, my dad is disabled and cant hardly take care of himself in many ways, my younger sister already has a baby to take care of, and then I don't have a boyfriend even to speak of and I am the only child that is mostly active in the Mormon church. So I volunteered. Not for only those reasons, but because I really want to help my sister be able to see the life that she dreams, and have a life period. She wants to be a Librarian and go to BYU. Cause that's where she says all the RM's go. Lol.  I don't think she has any idea of the work its going to take to get there, but I am going to try and help her with it. So I will be the guardian of a 16 year old, and sometimes I wonder if I have enough of a brain to handle myself, lol.

On a lighter note, I have gone on a fair amount of dates recently and started dating this amazing guy, who was just so so fun. Unfortunately, I had the feeling the relationship wasn't right, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how any guy I marry is going to have to be ok with me being a guardian of a teenager and helping with that too. So I ended things with the him, and I can kind of only hope, that if a guy like that isn't supposed to work out, maybe there is another amazing guy (that can handle me and all I have to deal with) somewhere out there for me.

 I feel like I sound like I'm whining, but I mostly just have to look at everything in a simple and objective light to not fall apart sometimes. I have to say living in this house is nice, despite all of the cats, lol. It is so quiet some days, between my mother sleeping all the time and my sister shut up in her room, that I feel like I live alone sometimes. I'm grateful for my mom and how well she is handling things. She's amazing. She has such a lighthearted take on things most of the time. Like the fact that her eyes have started to see cross-eyed because her health is so bad. She said that when my siblings were going to try to take her to the Festival of Tulips that "one good thing about this is that instead of seeing 10,000 tulips, I get to see 50,000!" Lol. Ugh. She's awesome. I am trying to take on her attitude of optimism.

Well, thats enough complaining I guess for now. I have to go get my sister up since I've let her sleep 12 minutes more than I said, and I cant let her win. Lol. Jk.. Sort of.


Ps If anyone is having those 'You're such a good daughter' thoughts that I get when I tell people about my situation, please don't. I wish I had been better this whole time. I wish I had spent less time trying to distance myself from the situation and been more thoughtful and helpful. That hurts. Anyways. Gotta go. Happy Monday everyone!

Pps. Pray for me and my family. I'm realizing the importance of it even more. Thanks.

Ppps. Sorry for my whininess. I'll make this happier next time.. :)