tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78868520605347948492024-03-05T02:20:54.208-08:00DantzelA blog about a girl who knows just what she wants. Maybe.Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-11606981545810199022020-01-27T14:53:00.000-08:002020-01-27T14:53:36.961-08:00Body memory workSo I started talking to Shad today about how come he seems to be getting a lot of working lately, and he expressed this: ‘I have always wanted money so that I can feel safe and secure. When I had money I would still worry about when I wouldn't have anymore. I healed the piece around not feeling safe and secure an now it's starting to flow in with out me even trying. I have always chased money away in the past because of the neediness I had towards it.’ It made We think about the work Ryan and I each did with Wendeya and how I felt safe in my body for the first time afterwards. I feel like I don’t have a blockage towards money and earning it now and I think that what Shad said is exactly why. I’m excited to see what’s in store and what I can create. It also makes me really wish the same feeling and breakthroughs for my sisters, especially Katie.Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-5782318954631461602019-11-16T22:26:00.000-08:002019-11-16T22:26:31.181-08:00You're only as sick as your SecretDisclaimer- This is an incredibly vulnerable post with some sexually explicit material-<br />
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Last night, I watched Oprah's Leaving Neverland special about the recent documentary of two victims of Michael Jackson's sexual abuse that had finally spoken out. The director stated 'You're only as sick as your secret.' That really hit me. I've been working with a healer for the last 8 months and she said when I came out about being a victim of sexual abuse on Facebook that she was hoping I would do that. The truth is, I'm afraid. I don't want people to know. Its not that I carry so much shame about the fact that I'm a victim, but instead the circumstances around it. I've wondered if sharing my secret with others besides my very closest confidants might support me in letting go of this fear- Somehow free me, like it has them..<br />
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So here goes- I'll tell you my story. its pretty candid, so I'll warn you now.<br />
Ever since I can remember I've been a highly charged sexual being, like my barbies were having sex at 8. Being raised in a 'devout' Mormon family, I was NEVER permitted to watch PG-13 movies until I literally hit 13, so how would I know to make my barbies have sex- or what it even was?<br />
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I'll share some stories to lead up to it. When I was 12, I came home to find my father in handcuffs outside speaking to the police. I ran inside to find out what happened. My brother had been beaten with a belt and the police had cameras taking pictures of my brothers bruises. While this seemed shocking, the only shocking thing about it was that the police where there. Being beaten wasn't uncommon, I suppose seeing bruises was new. My dad never beat us so that marks would stay as far as I could remember. The next week social services came, sat me and my then 5 brothers and sisters down on a couch and talked to us. They asked questions, we had answers. My 7-months-pregnant mother sat next to the interviewer, who was across from us, with a completely appalled look on her face. She was the breadwinner. I remember her gone often until evening for work, whilst my dad stayed 'working on his business' from home. The conversation ended with the man saying 'Sounds like physical, emotional and mental abuse.'<br />
Abuse?<br />
What?<br />
Questions flitted through my mind and the attention hungry (Oh- the neglect was real in my house- like, we brushed our teeth every few months real) dramatic part of me then wanted to sensationalize it in my mind, because part of me didn't believe the label was true. The interesting thing about abuse, is although it may be obvious to others who haven't experienced it, when you're in it, it doesn't seem abnormal. A fish growing up in dirty water, doesn't know the water's not clean. But after the man left, my mother asked us if we wanted her to divorce my dad. The answer was a resounding YES! She looked shocked and said she only stayed together with him for us. Years later that statement would break my heart as I came across a surreal letter to her divorce lawyer of the abuse, manipulation, and rape she received from my dad.<br />
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That story is simply to show how it took me some time to discover what I came to understand now with other abuse. The last 8 months taught me that I spent much of my childhood and life in a fantasy, dreaming of being saved, getting the love and attention I needed, and consequently self sabotaging to constantly be in need of help to fulfill that deep subconscious desire.<br />
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Now on to the sexual abuse- 5 years ago I was nearly engaged. His name was Bronson and his only real flaw in my opinion was his attachment to Super Heroes and his innate need to always be saving others, ironically. I knew he was the one for me but I felt like he was too good for me, and of course, was terrified of the idea of commitment after my parents marriage, so I sabotaged it. I started my healing shortly after when I hit ground zero. Like, the bottles were in my hand and if my sister hadn't walked in the room, I don't know if I would be here- Zero. I asked her to take me to the hospital to see what the options were to check myself into a mental hospital- and I was serious. They told me it would be more cost effective to do out-patient therapy and so the next day I reached out to the therapist I'd been seeing rarely and we began to make sessions every day, occasionally twice a day, for the next several weeks.<br />
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He saved my life- and got me to where I didn't want to take it- but this is also where I discovered something may have happened in my childhood I wasn't aware of. I began to share with him some things I'd noticed about my early age understanding of sex, how I had felt like I had somewhat of an addiction at one point (I felt a compulsion to be physical with men to feel love- even when I didn't want to be physical), and a panic attack that I realized didn't make any sense. I had the attack when I was 21, in college, and was under a lot of mental strain. I had been bathing and had a strange fear that my father was going to get to my private parts. I honestly felt mentally disturbed and terrified and wanted to check myself into a hospital then too. My whole life I've felt like there was a shadow over it, like something that I wasn't aware of was there, and it was in my face but nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to get an inkling of what it was. That therapist along with others would tell me more likely than not I was a victim of sexual abuse.<br />
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I had no memory though- simply uncomfortable vibes and experiences that made me believe there was more to my dad than I knew. I'd heard stories, of how my aunt had a restraining order from him because she woke up to him masturbating while watching her sleep, or how most of my extended family seemed to hold something against him, how he put his hand on my knee and somehow it triggered me when I was on a trip alone with him around the time I was going through puberty. But I didn't KNOW if something really happened. It all felt like conjecture and a small part of me felt guilty for wanting to believe it was true, as if I was making him out to be more of a demon than he really is.<br />
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2 years ago after starting on the road to healing from childhood, I had the most amazing visiting teacher in Los Angeles. (Visiting teachers are like a friend who checks in on you monthly- every woman in the Mormon church at the time had two). She was the most authentic, loving, friendly and empowering person I'd met and I wanted to know her secret. Then one day in class I sat next to her and asked how she learned to love herself. She told me she had taken a Transformational Training and after some self-sabotaging from me and gentle nudging from her, I decided to go.<br />
This is where I broke.<br />
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The first training was great and made me realize, I honestly was still so stuck in the survival mode of my past and so I wanted more. I knew the next course was intense and spoke to my Coach from the first one as she knew my trauma from the past. I was triggered by simple things from my father's abuse in the first one, so I asked if she thought it was something I could handle. She said she had very similar trauma and I could do it. This, I believe, is where faith comes in- because what happened next could probably have made anyone want to lash out, leave the training, blame it for triggering them, and never move forward. But I had SO MUCH f'ing faith in God, the Universe, that despite it, I stuck in there, which is why I am here and the most healed I've felt now.<br />
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In the next course, we were led into a guided meditation to help us see things in our past that we were still holding onto and help us to let it go. Except, I didn't realize there was stuff there I hadn't seen before. There was a part during the meditation, where it felt like I was in the mud of my past and somehow, I just knew what happened to me when I was a child, and I felt like it almost was happening again. Needless to say I found myself curled up in the fetal position and screaming 'Don't touch me!' to my father in my deep state. I was simply terrified and so so hurt. I came out of it and found myself in a state of being that felt like how I remembered feeling when I was 10. Walking around in a fugue state and barely being able to function like the person I was before. I suddenly knew what I didn't know before. No memory was there of the event(s). But I knew. One of my sisters later went through the program and after going through a similar meditation asked me if something had come up for me during it when I had done it (most people don't have this kind of experience), I told her yes and what, and she said the same realization came up for her.<br />
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Flash forward to several months ago when I came across a billboard in Utah about preventing sexual abuse and I decided to visit the website mentioned. I found it incredibly informative and it made me see how my siblings and I were easy targets for predatory advances from others later in my childhood. I had been wanting to be brave and share my scars somewhere, so I thought this might be a helpful leeway as I wanted to share the information to prevent others from dealing with the same thing. I posted on Facebook, simply stating I was a victim and found the information helpful and imperative to parents of young children. What happened next found me when I was finally ready. A cousin wrote on my post stating that she was sorry and that we we're all in that same boat. I was flabbergasted, but in the same moment, 100% not surprised. I felt like I knew what she was going to say, part of me knew all along, so I reached out to her directly and asked what she meant. Over the course of a lengthy and detailed conversation my father's dark past began to unfold. As I write this, I'm struck with a sense of betrayal. I remember a time when I was at my Grandparents on my fathers side- my Grandpa had been getting violent with one of my aunts (my dad is the oldest of 11 kids) and I asked my Grandma if we should call the police. She looked alarmed, and said 'No, we don't call the Police. It's none of their business.' Things were never shared in my family. My Grandma taught me how to cut my food with a fork and knife like a lady, and I lived in a juxtaposition of feeling like we were meant to be high-class, but yet I felt like we were trash.<br />
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My Grandpa was a rapist and child molester. He was molested by his Step-Father. He molested my Father. And my aunts and uncles. None of them said it. No one said it to me before. My cousin told me this and began to share how she was not just my cousin, but my aunt. Her mother, my aunt, was raped by Grandpa. And that's where she came from. She was abused by my Grandpa as well, and my uncle. Once brutally attacked when she resisted. It makes sense because I've always thought she looked like the spitting image of my Grandpa when he was young. She said my Grandma used to say to her, 'You were meant to be MY child, my last child.' You can see now- the Shadow. But that's not all. My Dad did the same thing to cousins, aunts, and us. I don't remember brutal attacks and I've had an intuitive healer share it happened to me when I was 3. I think it happened multiple times, because my fears of it happening are surrounded by more than one triggering situation. But I want you to know, I'm not him. I think that's my biggest FEAR. That people will associate me with him. He's not my father. I wont claim him. In fact, I don't talk to him. He still tries to manipulate us. Tell us we're sinners, preach to us and say we need to listen to him, all the while denying he's done any wrong. Ya know, he would say every so often though, out of the blue, with deep remorse, 'Im so sorry. I'm so so sorry.' I always thought he meant for all the other things, and thought it strange that he would apologize when we were all aware what he did. But now I know, he meant taking my childhood. My sexual purity. There's so much more to him that I could say, but this, this is the story I needed to tell. I'm praying this gives me some freedom- I think it already has.<br />
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<br />Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-85999148475388341462016-04-25T01:16:00.001-07:002016-04-25T10:55:41.273-07:00Hello, My name is Liz and I'm an addict.I've been really struggling lately with my sugar cravings. I think it stems from the fact that for more than a few reasons I'm not supposed to have it. And just like reverse psychology dictates, it makes me somehow just want it MORE. I tell myself 'Liz, you shouldn't eat that because your paying a nutritionist to tell you your macronutrients for weight loss and it definitely isn't gonna allow for that much wiggle room. Liz, it's not something you should eat because you have issues with sugar affecting your processes in your body- thinking, attention, headaches, nausea, etc etc'. So I tell myself no and what does my psyche say? ' Lizzz darling, you can handle it just this ONE time. You don't need to be on a diet right now, auditions aren't for a week. If you don't eat TOO much sugar, you can just start again tomorrow. Chug that water missy cause a headaches comin' and so is another brownie..' Yea, my psyche can be very persuasive. Conniving little bugger. And I don't live in a place now that makes it easy, my roommates constantly bake and make heavily processed or heavy foods that are not only offered to me, but obviously delicious, so it's hard to say no.<br />
Well, I've caught myself in another cycle of this thinking again to the dangerous point where I say I'll start again tomorrow, eat to my hearts content and then don't start again tomorrow; only getting worse each time, assuming it's going to end soon and I have to live it up now before I go military style on my own booty. As we speak I'm literally nauseous from overeating sugary treats today. I've been praying the last several days for an answer of what to do and just now I think I've sort of received it:<br />
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Every day I have to live it moment by moment. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this and tell myself, 'If you can just get through this moment you'll be ok. If you can just get through today that's it. You're done.' And then repeat. Because I.... Am an addict. I hate to admit that. It's shamefully weak in my mind and your probably thinking how ridiculous it is to be addicted to sugar, but I promise you it's not hard, and I bet if you introspectively check yourself out from a third person perspective, you might notice something you can't seem to go without as well. Try taking that thing away now. TRY. Is it hard? Do you want to throw it all away and just keep that thing that's your weakness? Aha..... WEAKNESS. There's your kicker. And my kicker.. I realized awhile ago that sugar can't be something I give into just because it's not a taboo substance. Yes. It's not alcohol. It's not meth. It's not porn. It's not cigarettes or gambling or video games or whatever else is keeping loads of people from their exponential growth. But it's a weakness. And it's MY weakness. God said 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble' and that if they humble themselves and have faith in him, he will make weak things become strong.<br />
So I've come to the realization that this is my weakness and that it was given to me to show God If I am willing to grow. That I MUST use it to humble myself and build a relationship with him and rely on him the best that I know to overcome it. I will not give in forever. Sometimes I meet people who have an addiction to Diet Coke, or whatever and they say to me that they have this addiction and that they are reliant open it. That they can't and won't give up and they make it almost a joke. Like it's their life blood. Their source of all that is in them.Well if that's the case.. How can God become your life blood?<br />
Aren't you giving in to the wrong side if you do? The one that cares for you so little that he'd rather see you crushed than thriving? God simply cannot work upon you if you give in and tell yourself that you can't. You CAN, and you must. Because we are not only humans; We are the offspring of a God. How AMAZING is that? So if you're struggling with something, don't just say I can't. You can. You can with the help of a God (and that is not to be taken lightly) who loves you. And will do anything to HELP. YOU. when you humble yourself and have FAITH.<br />
So I am not a weakling. I was born for greater. I will struggle with this STUPID, silly, ridiculous trial for a while, I'm sure. Maybe my whole life. But I know it's here to HELP me. And so I'll be a fighter.<br />
Candy. Crush. ;)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-6939815758449487482015-05-10T22:06:00.004-07:002015-05-10T22:06:52.605-07:00Up, up, and AWAYEvery so often I will have a day or two where it's none stop and I am driving hundreds of miles in a day for auditions, photo shoots, filming, and then to an occasional family dinner. But lately, it's felt like all week has been much busier. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful, I'm just unsure how to fit everything I need to do in one day. I work a full time job, that I thankfully will be getting better hours at soon, am going to school online, plus acting classes and auditions, and working out, as well as trying to start a business and prepare for the next step in my life....<br />
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For the last year I have been getting the little feeling that I needed to move to California. I will be the first to admit that I don't like the idea of moving to the City of Angels. I went once when I was 15 to try to get into modeling (didn't go very well, I was too naïve to go anywhere in that industry at the time), and promptly decided I hated it. There was lots of cigarette smoke, seemingly self-absorbed people, too much city, and a distinct lack of mountains. I started modeling about 7 years later when I asked a friend to do some photos of me since my mother hadn't used a camera in years, and I felt I wanted something pretty to show future generations. She saw me a couple months later and said they needed a model for her photography class, I decided I enjoyed the fun, novelty, and art of it and searched opportunities to do more. After 4 years of modeling off and on, I had a friend who went to UCLA and graduated in film, I told him I thought it would be fun to act, we made a fun competition piece commercial and the rest is history!<br />
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I don't know why I'm supposed to move to LA. Truly, if it were up to me, I would give it another year, year and a half, at least. I don't feel even remotely ready. I feel confident that I'm passable in most of my acting so that people wont laugh when I'm on the screen (Unless its comedy, of course. Hardy-har-har), but I'm nowhere near the capabilities of some of my friends who are struggling to work as an actor there already. But I know I should go..<br />
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Part of me is excited at the possibilities of what that means, the other part of me is freaking out like a prom queen that just spilled grape juice on her dress as her hot date knocks at the door. Freak! What am I supposed to do? I don't want to work a full-time job out there 'cause I feel like that will kill opportunities, but I don't know exactly how I'm going to make ends meet. I don't know hardly anyone (active Mormons, especially) out there, and I have no idea where I'm going to live. So on top of trying to be a full-time student and worker, keeping a fit body, and striving to be an actor, I'm also trying to prepare for that. This includes finding an agency in LA, hopefully for modeling and acting, building a website, gathering all my reel and portfolio work, and learning how to use more Social Media... Yes, seriously. I just did my first Instagram post in almost 2 years and discovered I'd been tagged in more things than I had ever even posted. <br />
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But guess what? This is all doable. If God wants it done, its doable. So I have just tried to take every possible opportunity he throws my way (including going to a Model Search I knew I had no chance of winning in hopes they'd remember me when I lose that next 10 lbs. :) That's right... Wahoo!), and pray that I will be able to follow the guidance he gives as well as be led in my preparations for this.<br />
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So here is to fully embracing the absolutely terrifying roller coaster God seats us in and pulls the lever. Here's to meeting many more people I could come to love and possibly find love with. And here's to trusting God knows best. Even if I get kicked in the pants, if I can remember to keep the best perspective, like my mother, I know I can turn out a better person for it. So here's to LA. In July. <br />
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(Deep breaths...........) <br />
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Ps. I have lost 10 lbs and to be at my goal weight I need to lose 10 more, which I hope to be at by the end of May.<br />
Pps. I am back on that dumb medical diet. One of these days I'll be able to eat more than rabbit food and chicken. Embrace the rabbit food.. Embrace it.. :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-50221649232468257502014-12-07T22:56:00.003-08:002014-12-07T22:56:40.200-08:00Too Great ExpectationsI feel like I've really come upon who I am the last few years, and I know the trials I've faced have helped get me there. But for some reason lately, when faced with new trials, some that I don't know how to battle, I am beginning to wonder who I am again. There are a few things that are for certain: I am a child of God, I am 'delightfully quirky' as my Bishop once said, and I have come to the knowledge that I am constantly in school- The school of life. And I treat it as such. <br />
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But lately there are a few lessons that I feel like have come from a place I never thought I'd face. I feel like when one of my weaknesses is swept asunder and no longer in the highlight, God somehow seems to procure another. And its not even one that anyone else can help me with. I have to figure it out on my own. Its a silent battle, and it makes me want to cry and throw an inner fit when I lose. Which I seem to do often lately. People see one side of it and don't know there is an underbelly. I never thought I'd face this demon really, I always wanted to be better than that. But its a byproduct of one of the things I love. And I hate that I feel like there are expectations. Expectations I'm not meeting. I hate that my dreams that are so high and seemingly out of reach already, are thrown even farther by my own weakness and shortcomings. People laugh at the follies of my humanity, but only cause I've learned to laugh at my own. But this time the laugh is hiding something that I don't know what to do with. It's always been too hard for me, but barely doable. But now.. Now it seems like I cant do it at all. So I try to undo it, and I feel like I might hurt myself trying. Right now it doesn't hurt. But someday maybe it will. <br />
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Ps. please forgive the code talking. But this demon is one that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help me with, so until then, I'll do it on my own.Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-46675956595826354982014-11-30T23:47:00.003-08:002014-11-30T23:47:50.949-08:00Missionary splitsI've come to a new resolution recently that when it comes to things I cant control, I have the option to do one of two things: Complain about it, or decide that (after a good cry) finding things to be thankful for is a better option. Tonight was one of those moments. I heard in Sunday school class today that complaining about your situation in life is not only unproductive, but it doesn't allow us to recognize what the situation is: God's hand in our life. Although we like to only recognize the blessings we are given, which is wonderful to continuously notice, we need to see that when we have trials or things generally just not going our way, its not by chance. God is putting us in this situation for a reason that only he may know, but all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28), as he says.<br />
So although I would really like to have what I want right now, knowing I'm not going to get it, I can complain about it, or I can strive to see an eternal perspective and find the blessings in knowing God's hand is constantly in my life, and this too is for my good. God knows who we are, what we need, at every moment, and loves us so incredibly much as to put us through trials that will test us and e nurture us to grow. I hope I can always remember that, its so hard sometimes when I'm so disappointed in knowing something I want very much is not going to be mine, or at least not for a really long while. <br />
I love my Savior and I am grateful for all he has endured for me. I'm excited and nervous, and afraid for what my future might bring. Keeping that eternal perspective helps to lessen the fear though. Anything God puts in my path, even though I may feel like it could break me, is possible to overcome or do with God in my life. I hope you find the opportunity to see God's hand in your life too, and know his love for you is unending, without condition, without regard, and greater than your human scope can fathom. I hope someday to be able to fully understand that kind of love.<br />
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Today I was able to do splits almost all day with the sister missionaries. I'm grateful for the opportunities to see my own weaknesses and strengths through days like this. Sister Sammartano said that she thought my teaching was good enough that if she didn't know better she would have assumed I was a return missionary. I believe that is a real compliment: Being able to help bring the spirit and sincerely show God's love. I'm not exactly sure how I developed this trait (except maybe the several Mission Prep classes a week I attended in the many, many months I patiently waited for a call), but teaching the little things or complexities of God's gospel that I actually do understand, is something that sincerely brings me joy. I hope I am able to fulfill more opportunities like these. Sometimes I wish I could still go on a mission, but I know my time has passed for that, and so now I am just trying to find ways to serve and teach, as a missionary would, in my own life. I hope I can fulfill all these opportunities to the best of my potential. I love God and its times like these that reveal to me an obvious satisfaction in living His Gospel. <br />
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<3 for now and always.... LizDantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-47331784494431320712014-01-27T21:22:00.003-08:002014-01-27T21:43:58.217-08:00SunshineSince my last post, I have found and let go of a wonderful man, went to Uganda, Africa, and moved around several times without a job. The wonderful man's name was Bronson and it still semi breaks my heart to think about how perfect he was. He really was AMAZING. You have to have capital letters to describe him, its the only way.. Unfortunately, long story short, it just didn't feel right, and it felt that way for both of us, so in the end it just fell apart. I was seriously<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">sure</span></strong> I was going to marry this guy at one point... Even said so straight to his face. I will also miss his wonderful mother, who in many ways was like my own, and I want to cry at the idea of not seeing his wonderful mom again. I knew when his family was so great, he was so great, everything was so GREAT that something had to be wrong. Of course, I had trust issues... So there was that. But really, it just felt too good to be true. How could all my hopes and wishes and desires be fulfilled? I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing and that introducing me to Bronson was maybe to revive my faith in good men and my hope that someday I could marry one. And to open up my hard shell of a heart. I think I did that for him too, even though I'm terrified I may have hurt him in the end instead of helping like I had wanted. I hope he knows how Amazing I still think he is, even despite his <em>teeny tiny</em> flaws that I know he thinks are <strong>ginormous</strong>.<br />
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Since that break up, I also had spun down into a hole the size of Kennecott, and ended up at a fork in the road: Do I stop traveling, do I keep dragging my anvil-weight baggage, or do I take a time-out from life and let someone help me unpack, figure out how to reorganize what I'm given along the way, and learn how to let it go as I can? So after I was very much close to the decision to <em>stop</em> <em>traveling</em>, my sister stepped in and yanked me on her bandwagon until I could get to my Time Out station (I know I'm being vague, but lets face it, there are too many judgmental people out there and this gives me license to deny anything. :)) After several weeks of someone pulling me out of the Kennecott-sized crater and helping me etch away at my anvils... I feel like I'm almost to the top of the ridge. And MY! I had no idea it was so bright up here without all the shadows to dim Life!! This same Life I refer to is the one that has been laden with sadness, hurt, abuse, neglect, illness, death, and overall combined to a crippling mentality and just hopelessness. <br />
Many of my siblings have had to deal with these things in similar or the same ways, and after going through a couple weeks of climbing and etching at anvils, I had gotten to the point where I had started to see the <strong>Sun</strong> over the ridgeline. I was at lunch with a couple of my sisters and said to one of them, "You know that feeling like you are half drowning all the time??" She said yes. "Well, I don't feel like that anymore.!!!" I think she thought I was a bit looney for how enthusiastic I was over um.. unpacking and mountain climbing. I cant really blame her. I've been down there, in the shadows, for most my life. When you are down there, you can see the people up above you, but its almost a mirage, like you don't really believe the ability for you to be up there exists, so you don't believe in it. And I know people who have always seemed to live in the sun and to them, below is so dark from the blinding light that they are always in, that they don't really see or understand that anyone can be down there, it makes no sense to them. <br />
I think I am one of the lucky ones honestly, after years of dragging anvils around in circles in my crater, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes dipping lower, I have been silently begging for and dreaming for the possibility to understand the sunshine. And the weird thing about being in the dark and low crater is that its truly that; You can try with all your might to go somewhere, but until you find a way to get to the top, you will just be going around in circles, going nowhere. The top is where you can travel about the world, build new things. I won't be surprised if this doesn't really make sense to some of you, but if it does and you are in the sun, despite your inevitable obstacles <em>COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS!</em> You have no idea how many people would give a limb to understand where you are, even if you are just peeking over the skyline, you can see the sun and are close enough to eventually reach up and go somewhere. So <strong>DO</strong> it! For those of you who are in the pit: I understand. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. And I know <em>sincerely</em> and <em>wholeheartedly</em> how BLESSED I am! Because after so much time hoping, and praying, and searching, God placed an Arnold Schwarzenegger-size climber, that understood how to help me hold and taught me how to chisel and chip away at the anvils, within my path. And I am <em>epic</em>ally grateful for this person and evermore so for my Heavenly Father who's mercy and <u>LOVE</u> allowed me this new panorama. I have a deep faith that with prayers, time, and patience you may enjoy this grand view also.<br />
<br />
So now that I see the sunrise, and how beautiful it is, I understand that the things God has asked of me to do are amazing and possible. I know I've got to move again (Yayyyyy......... ) and then I am going to start my own business. I'm really excited about it, and really nervous for the process at the same time. But I know its the direction God has pointed me to go to next and I have faith that if I'm supposed to create this thing (I may be introducing the idea to you all soon), that as I stop and ask for directions and pave my own pathway, he'll pick me up when I'm <em>going</em> to fall. Its amazing to me how in-my-face the Holy Ghost and it's guidance has been lately; I'm thankful for it, and even as I marvel at it, I hope I can continue to endeavor to deserve it. <br />
<br />
Have a wonderful January everyone! Pray when you're up, not just when you're down, hold Hope with you always, and let Faith carry you ever in its wings. I'll never be able to describe the happiness the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me (Mormon.org), but I hope that you get to have, even at the very least, a smidgen of this happiness, because it is truly the greatest thing on Earth.<br />
<br />
Love, LizDantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-667284132427236252013-07-05T11:20:00.002-07:002013-07-05T11:35:41.549-07:00Hoping with a Hopeless SoulSo the second Saturday in June I picked up a shift as a favor for doing a favor. Long story.. And then somehow a boulder got rolling at my work that somehow trampled me under it. Metaphorically. Don't worry, I still have all my limbs. But the point is, I'm not really sure what happened, but somehow they got peeved at me, and I got peeved back at them for being ridiculous about what they were upset with me about. Dumb stuff that half of it wasn't really my fault. After a long week of them suspending my shifts one after another and making me call them, and come in and talk to my manager (who was really only upset that I couldn't hide that I was borderline crying because I kind of started having an anxiety attack because a lot of ridiculous things were happening and I couldn't find a manager to help, therefore making my tables waiting, which was making my anxiety even worse..) and then wait some more and have to keep calling them.. which I just decided to quit on that next Friday after talking with a good friend about how they were being dumb about everything and I was pretty sure I was gonna get fired anyway since I defended myself pretty vehemently about how a lot of the things they were putting me through a ringer for weren't even my fault.<br />
<br />
So I quit, handing them my letter of resignation right before we sat down for them to try to fire me. Thankfully I was already headed into work to give it to them when they called me a few minutes before I got there to call me in to do that. The funny thing is that when I handed the General Manager the letter and he asked what it was and I told him, he said 'That's perfect, cause that means I don't have to do what I was going to have to do.' He said he wanted to part amicably and if I knew what I was going to do? And that he would be happy to give me a letter of recommendation if I needed one. Ha! The other managers were the ones that were getting all huffy with me, but the General Manager still really liked me and even gave me a hug on the way out. Gosh. Life is weeeeeird. And its funny because half way during that week when I knew I was most likely not going to be working my job anymore (even after a glimmer of false hope from the GM saying not to worry about things and to call me the next day instead of Monday, I'm guessing he didn't care but the other managers had their panties a bit too twisted about it.), I was kind of okay with it. I feel like there was a reason I was at that job, and I remember feeling on day that whatever that reason was, it was fulfilled, and I didn't need to be there anymore. But I kept working there cause it was a good job, and good money, and I didn't know what else I wanted to do. So I think this was just God's way of pushing me out the door again. Like he did with Audi when I got laid off. I would never have left that job most likely, because it was so good. But working 7-15 hour days was not cohesive with God's plan, especially with my momma being so sick. She needed me and I'm glad God pushed me out the door so that I could spend so much more time with her and help to take care of her in her last few months. <br />
<br />
Lesson learned: God knows what he's doing and has a plan for me. Even though I have hardly any idea what to do at this point. I know I'm supposed to go to school, and I have looked at the top 50 Fashion Design schools in the world and the one in Italy that I wanted to go to doesn't feel right. My lease is up on the 20th of this month and I'm not sure where I'm going to go. I keep fasting and praying, although, to be honest I feel like I'm awful at praying, so I'm sure that's probably part of the reason I'm not getting an answer. Part of me wants to stay here, for family, cause I would really miss them, and for small dumb things like modeling or acting parts I have, or could have. But I guess I just need to find my spot in the world for me right now, cause I feel like I'm going nowhere. I'm sure I'll add more to this later, but if I don't, sienara.. I guarantee that's spelled wrong. Peace.<br />
<br />
(its probably better if I don't have anything more to say, cause most everything that's happened lately has been disheartening and depressing. Like helping people move that were evicted, and more family drama that just makes me feel... so hopeless, and that I don't have much to look forward to as far as life, love, and family. Got to remember that there are always thorns on every rose. Thorns on every rose.......)<br />
-LizDantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-61318382472997777122013-03-05T00:20:00.003-08:002013-03-05T00:45:48.898-08:00Lucky girlSo, I'm at another one of those weird spots in my life. But I'll talk about that later. What I really am thinking about and dont understand right now is how on earth am I supposed to find some guy that fits ME? And if I do, how am I supposed to have him actually not only like me, but LOVE me? I dont get it. I just finished a conversation with a guy that made me laugh, he likes rock climbing (me too), is trying to find a great barber to get a good 50's style classic hair cut (um, LOVE!) and, well, he makes me smile when i talk to him, and its just easy. But then he's a big outdoorsist. Like hiking 11 miles to camp in a snow bank for fun, type guy. Dont get me wrong, I love mother nature, but im not about to do ANYTHING like that and put it in the same category as fun, ahem, slide it over to the torture column more like. Thank you. And then there is another guy, who is AWESOME, but he watches some tv shows I hate (cause I think they are spiritually degrading and just crude), although he does make me laugh. I am always on the edge with him though because im never sure how he's feeling about me (yep, I'm pretty selfconscious. SURPRISE!), and well crud, I dont know. But I like him. There are more guys im dating that fit certain parts of me, but really, how am I supposed to find a guy that is into the same things I am, has the same life goals, is spiritual, doesnt think im crazy, etc., etc... I think its darn near impossible. And throw in my incredible fear/ terror of marriage, I think I'm kind of doomed. How do people do it???<br />
I think its going to take a miracle. I think I still have faith in those..
<br />
<br />
Things the Ideal Guy for Me Would Like<br />
(just for the heck of it..)<br />
<br />
Sushi<br />
Dancing (country swing and ballroom)
<br />
rock climbing
<br />
going on walks
<br />
long, deep conversations
<br />
shotgun shooting
<br />
50's music and style
<br />
old man sweaters (i have no idea why i like them so much, but I do. Maybe its the classy, old look to it?)
<br />
cats, or at least be openminded. and dogs. cause I want one of those someday
<br />
humanitarian work
<br />
traveling
<br />
rodeos
<br />
motorcycles
<br />
country music (or at least tolerate it for my sake)
<br />
watching movies (but not hardly any rated R ones! although I will admit to watching a few choice ones too.. sigh)
<br />
healthy food
<br />
likes to cook or at least not expect me to do it all alone. I have to have company to enjoy cooking usually.
<br />
exercising
<br />
spiritual minded things- reading scriptures, saying prayers, fulfilling his callings, listening to conference talks.
<br />
good style- and by this i mean, not always wearing tshirts and old sneakers. Yes, I just said sneakers.
Having a good sense of humor
<br />
My crazy family
<br />
Being motivated and driven
<br />
Making something of himself
<br />
Being a good father
<br />
Castle (the tv show)<br />
A healthy dose of nerdiness. (although i'm not talking playing Magic Cards on weekends.)
<br />
A dislike for wasting exhorbant amount of time on video games. (seriously, woohoo! you made it to level 10 of Wizards of Combat.. or whatever the game is called. Dont hate me..)
<br />
Treating a girl like a lady that is there by CHOICE. And NOT like a play thing..
<br />
<br />
So this is my list of unrealistic expectations. Honestly, I'll be lucky if I find a guy who has even 2/3 of these things. But as long as its the important things like wanting to be a good father and being motivated and driven, and hope upon hope, loves my family, and treats me with respect.. I think I'll be ok. Now.. Good luck with all that, right? :)
<br />
<br />
Things I'd Like to Be For Him
<br />
<br />
good mother of his children
<br />
motivator
<br />
good cook (im trying to learn!!)
<br />
someone he can feel proud of (and show off if he wants to)
<br />
witty conversationalist
<br />
best friend
<br />
companion in any project he needs or wants me
<br />
smart
<br />
accomplished in my own goals
<br />
in good shape (ahem..)
<br />
healthy
<br />
good listener
<br />
confidant
<br />
a reason to smile
<br />
spiritual
<br />
continually striving to be better
<br />
understanding
<br />
above all, Loving.
<br />
<br />
I'm sure id be happy to add to this list if he wanted me too. Within reason, of course. (I hate sexist women jokes.. Expect a good punch if you say one anywhere within ear shot.) Anyway, I hope he would find me worth having and that he would think that he is a 'lucky guy'. The end. Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-23489848064727885482012-12-04T02:04:00.004-08:002013-03-05T00:51:59.349-08:00Disconnected.I now realize that it's been 5 months since I have written on this. And my, how my life has changed. I became the legal guardian to a 16 (now 17) year old, who also happens to be my sister. I am still working at The Cheese or The Factory, or whatever you'd like to call it, pick your nickname. I am finally a server and even though this does create somewhat more money, it has not picked up at the restaurant and so small hours still equals small funds. I am just beginning to realize how hard the atrocity of my life is. I think I've been in a (thankfully) blissful denial of it this whole time.<br />
<br />
My sister isn't going to school. The brilliant little Imp (She picks up on Latin like it's not a dead language..) has grown up with no one really making her go to school or showing her how sincerely important it was, but instead letting her slide by because, well, my mom was too sick to really enforce it on or show her. Bless her soul. So my brilliant little Imp (I say this affectionally believe it or not..) of a sister wakes up with 'headaches' or 'nausea' or 'insane dizziness' or 'breathing problems' or occasionally her alarm 'didn't go off' or somehow she 'slept through it'. She walks to school which is less than 5 minutes away, so i dont need to drive her. In fact it takes longer to drive her to school because the path by our house leads directly to the school, unlike the road that goes AROUND half the city to take her there. Oh and if I try to wake her up to help her out? She gets offended and 'it only makes her want to do the things I want her to do less'. So she says. She is an angel when it comes to the majority of morals. <em>I</em> have to make sure<em> I</em> am not saying something even in the least bit offensive around her most the time and make sure the music that is on the radio doesn't have offensive words. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, she would be the one keeping me in check. And I am so proud of her for that. But she has a stubbornness that could not be matched by most mules. Anyone who knows her knows I can't toss her off her bed and into the car either. She is able to throw her body weight around more than I can, so that is out of the question. So what do I do? She is going to fail almost all her classes this Term, I think. And I feel lost. And hopeless. And tired of trying things I know probably won't work anyway.<br />
<br />
Today was awful. For one reason only. Well almost everyday is hard just because its a new day sometimes I feel, but this one was awful. We had to send in my mom's death certificate to our phone carrier to switch my siblings and my accounts over to my name. I called them after I got the letter a week ago that they had received her death certificate so that I could complete the transfer. They told me that when they did the transfer that it would wipe clean all of our voicemail accounts. ..................................... Not happening. I had 3 voicemails from my mom that I had kept carefully saved on there so that I would never lose her voice. (I had accidently deleted 2 of them one day while cleaning out old voicemails and after freaking out, realized that since I hadnt hung up yet I would be able to retrieve them and resave them. PHEW!) So I told them I didnt want to transfer the accounts yet until I could figure out how to save her voicemails to a computer, he said basically that I had a limited time to do this. Well I had no clue how and was attempting to try to get friends to help me with it, several times, but it always escaped me to <strong>get <em>right</em> <em>on it</em></strong> (..As most things do. Sometimes I wonder if it's really just the skin on my neck that is holding my head on.. clearly nothing else is going on up there.) So I woke up this morning to a phone that had no reception. The little X was the only thing showing a possibility of there ever being any connection. I went to check my account online and it said that my number had been canceled. SHI%$#$$#nitch. I knew what that most likely meant. I called and after the 3rd time telling the gentleman on the phone he understood my sad story. Unfortunately with all his trying there wasnt anything he could do to have my voicemails not disappear. <br />
<br />
50 minutes later I hung up the phone and resigned to the sadness of not having the dial-up option of hearing my foregone mother's voice. <br />
<br />
The rest of the day was uneventful, but as I sat on the computer talking with friends who I felt just somehow sapped energy and soul from me more, I realized I have an undying sadness in my soul that never seems to go away. Never feels satisfied. I want it to go away. I miss my mother so much sometimes. I felt like I was protected and everything somehow was going to work out okay even with the horridness that always seemed to happen in our lives. And I dont know what to do here without her. I feel so consistenly blessed, so I somehow feel ungrateful for dwelling on the haplessness of life and not focusing on the greatness of my gifts more. I just dont know how to really feel REALLY happy again somedays. Even draining the fluid from my moms lungs or just sitting close to her on her bed while she lay asleep with her reality competition shows playing, I felt more alive. Now I feel blessed, but somewhat alone and sapped of my previous liveliness.<br />
<br />
Sorry to vent. But I feel tired of the hardness of life. I know everyone has their own trials. This is just me sharing mine. And hoping someone understands and can give some solutions. SOMETHING, Give me SOMETHING. <br />
<br />
On to some hopeful or maybe better news.... I got accepted into a Talent Agency here in Salt Lake. Even though I was accepted for modeling I tried out for the acting section and one of the managers seemed to think I had some promise, so I have a call back to do another test reading on Thursday. I have gotten a few opportunites to do some acting and a few photoshoots as well. Which I enjoy. I am hoping this goes somewhere. Not for me really. But I think if I had a chance to make something of myself and be in the limelight some how, it would be ABSOLUTELY amazing to be able to be a good example for others (If I can continue to try to make good decisions and be that good example). Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that in this field. Sometimes I want to walk away from it just cause its too hard, or to just make it easier and wear something that isn't exactly 'temple modest'. Pray for me that if I do end up going somewhere, that I can retain my morals to be the example that I want to be with my whole heart and soul.<br />
Well folks. Thats enough rambling for me again I guess for now.. I hope life is going well for you and that you aren't struggling so nearly and desperately as I feel I am at times. And if you are, take it one moment at a time. There is always someone out there who has been there too and is willing and hoping to understand you.<br />
Love you all. Cheers.<br />
<br />
<br />
♥<br />
<br />Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-76047057920495394852012-06-30T18:08:00.001-07:002012-06-30T18:10:51.567-07:00Our last songFor my Mom. ♥<br />
<br />
Rough translation:<br />
Sing a song<br />
And for a moment<br />
You will be visited by the wind<br />
Sing a song<br />
And for a moment<br />
Dream sweetly of the wind<br />
Sleep now until the night is dawn<br />
The wind and the night song, they are there<br />
However the song, my child, will go on forever.<br />
<br />
Our last song. Love and miss you Mom..<br />
<br />
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<br />
When I was younger my sister and I made a CD for my mom with peaceful and happy songs, some of our favorites. This was one of my favorites as well as one of my mothers. The morning she died, she was barely coherent and the CD we made was playing for her. I held her hand through this song, clinging to her arm while it was playing. This was the last song that played fully through before she died. I'm thankful for it, I will always have it. I will miss her more than I could ever say, and more than tears can ever express. She taught me how to be strong, how to be happy, how to be the person I want to be and so much of who I am. So this is it: Our last song.Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-78756474163816657752012-06-14T10:37:00.000-07:002012-06-14T10:37:44.530-07:00GuiltSo its hitting me now. My mother is so sick. And I don't know what to do. I try not to be depressed because, well, it doesn't help anything. For those of you who don't know its just me, my little sister Amy (who is 16, a hermit, and who I am guardian for), and me living in this small little house which is really quiet most of the time despite the constant hum of my mom's oxygen tank. I wasn't there last night to make dinner which is usually what my older sister will do and bring over, but I realized after I was already in Layton to help be a personal shopper for a friend (sometimes guys just need a little insight in the 'what should I wear on a daily basis' area) that I did not check to make sure that she would be. So I called my sis who had called my mom already, and since I had forgotten to tell my mom my plans for the day, had said I was home and could cook. So I had to call my mom and apologize and ask my little sister if she would cook. Guilt. I should be there.<br />
<br />
My mom said she woke up in the middle of the night and was craving one of the sweet salads I make her (its nummy, with spinach, romaine, craisens, almonds, romano cheese, and blueberry pomegranate dressing) and didn't want to wake me up. So she tried to get to the kitchen herself. She couldn't find the almonds and craisens in the cupboards (her eyesight is still bad from the brain tumors and I am taking her to the doc again today for them) and subsequently knocked over several cans which knocked over a bunch of glass and it all made a big crashing noise. She said she was expecting both Amy and I to come rushing in freaked out like we usually do, but neither one of us woke up. Guilt.<br />
<br />
I don't really know what to say.. Anything I feel like I want to say sounds like it would be complaining. I feel like a horrible daughter sometimes because even tho I only work 20 hours a week instead of my old 65, I feel like I am always gone doing something with friends or some such other activity. I try to only do things after 8 or 9 o'clock so that I know my mother will mostly be sleeping. Sometimes I forget and I will not have drained her lungs before I leave, which is really pretty uncomfortable for her and she really only has one she can breathe out of with the other having complications. And I will mistakenly give her too much or the wrong medicine. Like this morning. I didn't realize when I woke up to take my medicine and give her hers that she didn't need to take two pain pills anymore cause we had switched her to stronger medicine. So I gave her too many painkillers. She says its ok, things will start to even out with her meds and it just means she will sleep all day... Guilt. And a bunch of other stupid things I do wrong. I wish I was better at this. I wish I didn't feel the need to go out with friends, but I feel like I do sometimes for Sanity's sake.<br />
<br />
I realize that all of the things I think I would enjoy doing, like going to Africa for a summer, or trying to do modeling seriously, are dreams that may be of the past, or at least postponed, or made that much harder because I will be here with my sister. I want to do this, but I feel like I am failing already. She might not graduate from 10th grade home school and I don't know how to help her since she wont take my help. Guilt.<br />
<br />
I know life could be harder. I met a girl a few days ago who it looked like was burned head to toe and she only had one hand. She was sweet. She was hard to look at and I can only imagine what must have happened to have her look that way. But she was nice and seemed to have a happy attitude. It reminded me of how life can always be harder. Things can always be worse and how lucky I am for all the things I DO have. I'll try to be upbeat and cheerful, as usual. I can just tell it is getting harder. My mom has less freedom and strength than a 92 year old lady that walked in just fine to my restaurant yesterday. Its heartbreaking.. Again I am thankful for her cheerful attitude and for the opportunity to still have her here in my life, still teaching me lessons. Guess that's it for now. I'll think of something cheery next time to write about hopefully. Loves.<br />
<br />
Ps. Boys are obnoxious.<br />
Pps. Go home and hug your mom. Or call her if she's still here. Times a wasting. ♥Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-21547345164972378932012-05-14T11:11:00.002-07:002012-05-14T11:11:24.982-07:00A Big DaySo today my mom is getting surgery to have the edema drained from her liver area. (It makes her look pregnant and she jokes that she is going to be delivered, and that all her recent deliveries have been under the sign Aquarius. Ha ha!) Yes, my mother is a hoot. :) Also, she is going to have a brain scan done today since her cross eyes had gotten worse. I felt so bad for her cause she couldn't see anything right and every time we would have to drive somewhere she would be in a panic since it looked like we were going to hit every vehicle on the side of the road. But she has a good attitude about it. They put a prism on one side of her glasses to fix it and now she says everything looks like its trying to be a 3d movie and there are psychedelic rainbows everywhere. Lol. <br />
<br />
She asked me once if her lightheartedness about things was too much. I told her, no, it was just perfect. I don't know what I would do if she tried to be all serious about it. It makes me cry even at the moments when things are serious on their own. The other day I woke up from a nap to her playing the piano. She hasn't played the piano in almost ten years. I cried. It was slow and beautiful. And she had to stop eventually cause she couldn't see the notes straight. It made me happy though. Happy sad. She asked if I was okay cause I was hiding half my face with the wall and my eyes were teary and I was sniffling. She thought I was getting sick or had allergies. I went with it. She would be so sad if she knew I was sad. She said that one day, "Now try not to be sad or cry, because you know when I am up there I will just be sad and crying because my babies are sad and crying." I love her.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was kind of an off day. I woke up and showered after making my mom breakfast and I was going to get ready and go to my sacrament meeting before I'd go to my moms with her. But I couldn't find anything to wear I felt, (cause my closet still has painting supplies in it and I haven't really unpacked anything because of it yet. Yea, I know.. I'm lazy.) so I just climbed in bed and I felt so down that I just didn't want to get back out. I made it to church with my mom tho, which was really nice. I just wish there was more of my siblings there. They were invited. They just didn't want to come..<br />
<br />
I'll tell you about the surprise gift for my mom. Lets just say we lucked out and there is a super nice and really amazing pianist that happens to be in my stake who was kind enough to agree to play for my mom. I just am really nervous about it for some reason. I just have nervousness about today. And with really busy pianists, brain scans, and a surgery.. That really makes it worse that I feel nervous about today. Pray for me. And my mom. And the pianist. Lol.<br />
<br />
I did a modeling job the other day. I went to a casting call for Aloxxi (that's another story that is kind of amusing that I might have to tell another time) and I got it, thankfully. So it was for the big Hair Show at the South Towne Expo Center and they dyed my hair bright red, twice actually. It was too green under the lights for the first show day, so they dyed it again, lol. Which I actually liked better. :) So there was a secret prayer that was actually answered there. :) But I had to wear something immodest. And a couple of the other models were Mormon too and were endowed. The girl Mormon had to wear something immodest, I asked them what they thought about when they had to do that. The guy said he considered it part of his job and it was an activity that he couldn't wear his G's. The girl kind of said the same thing although she didn't love that she had to wear something immodest. It made me feel a little better about wearing a tube top dress and so I just tried to tell myself that it was okay. But throughout this whole week when I have had other possibilities come up for shoots and I have tried to keep that mentality.. It just hasn't felt right. I felt sad, and off, and a little sick with myself. I always told myself I would keep my modesty if I could make this a career, but now I am seeing the increasing difficulty in it. I'm so confused. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how I can make something out of this while still keeping my values intact. I'll figure it out.. I think.<br />
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One more thing. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I don't remember how it came up, but she said something that kind of surprised me. She said she had always considered the cancer a blessing. I asked her why, and she said that otherwise we would have just been halfway children, or something like that. That since my father wasn't there that she would have always had to been at work and she would never see us and we would never feel like we had a parent or that we would see her. So this was a way for her to stay home and to be with us and still be able to have us have food and a home. (She had thankfully had disability insurance when she was diagnosed with it. Although, I would never say we didn't struggle.) My mom thought having cancer was a blessing because it meant she would get to be with us. Wow. It made me realize how really amazing she is. How much she loved us and how much she would have sacrificed and did sacrifice for us. She is incredible, and I am so happy and thankful that I am able to live the time she has left with her, and that she has been in my life.<br />
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Happy Monday everyone. Make today the best. Cause that is up to you to decide. Happy day!<br />
-Liz :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-69330423154305558322012-04-30T11:33:00.002-07:002012-04-30T11:33:27.995-07:00WhininessSo I realize its been a couple months since I have posted on this, and my life has changed a lot. I got laid off from my job at Audi (there goes my dream of buying a house, but its probably for the best) and quit Home Depot, and got hired on at The Cheesecake Factory at City Creek. Actually, all of that happened within one week, although not in that order. That was a fun one..<br />
<br />
My mom finally decided that she couldn't raise my little sisters anymore (it's been awhile now that she hasn't had the ability to do much, and a 12 and 16 year old aren't the best caregivers), and so my littlest sister Nikki and I switched houses and she is now being raised by my older sister and I am now living with my mother and TRYing to help my 16 year old sister. TRY being the keyword because, as of this moment, I am giving her another half hour to sleep because I think I have found my match for a stubborn personality. She has been in home schooling for a couple years now, and since she did not have someone to really enforce it, she mostly has just been sleeping in and reading books all day and having 'issues' with the computer program that is her home schooling. Heaven help me. <br />
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Several weeks ago my mom was told by her Doctor that she wasn't responding to Chemo anymore and with the water in her lungs and liver that constantly refills, they said they are giving her 2 to 3 months. To live.<br />
<br />I don't know why I've been so blind to the fact that this is coming, it still hasn't quite really hit me, it is pretty much just very surreal. Maybe its cause some days she seems so much better, but I know that is just because what energy she had that was sapped from the Chemo treatments is being returned. I don't want to think about it, and I think that's one reason I think I am "doing so well with it" some days. But the days where she just suddenly says "We need to talk about what make up I'll be wearing" or when I check in on her sleeping and I'm scared to think she might not be breathing, so I check, or when I check her skin and its cold and I frantically check somewhere else to make sure its just the air from the window making it chilly. Those are the days when I see it, its in front of my eyes. I have a mom who wont be there anymore, wont be alive.<br />
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My uncle flew in from Florida last week to make sure a lot of the final arrangements were in order. It was nice to see him even though I knew why he was there. Especially nice because he seemed to just mostly be there to spend quality time, like he was squeezing in the extra that he didn't realize he hadn't put in on his last trips or over the time he knew she had cancer.<br />
<br />
So after talking with my mom and discussing what would happen with my little sister Amy (the 16 year old), and talking over the options- My older sister has already taken in the 12 year old and has 3 young children of her own, my dad is disabled and cant hardly take care of himself in many ways, my younger sister already has a baby to take care of, and then I don't have a boyfriend even to speak of and I am the only child that is mostly active in the Mormon church. So I volunteered. Not for only those reasons, but because I really want to help my sister be able to see the life that she dreams, and have a life period. She wants to be a Librarian and go to BYU. Cause that's where she says all the RM's go. Lol. I don't think she has any idea of the work its going to take to get there, but I am going to try and help her with it. So I will be the guardian of a 16 year old, and sometimes I wonder if I have enough of a brain to handle myself, lol.<br />
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On a lighter note, I have gone on a fair amount of dates recently and started dating this amazing guy, who was just so so fun. Unfortunately, I had the feeling the relationship wasn't right, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how any guy I marry is going to have to be ok with me being a guardian of a teenager and helping with that too. So I ended things with the him, and I can kind of only hope, that if a guy like that isn't supposed to work out, maybe there is another amazing guy (that can handle me and all I have to deal with) somewhere out there for me.<br />
<br /> I feel like I sound like I'm whining, but I mostly just have to look at everything in a simple and objective light to not fall apart sometimes. I have to say living in this house is nice, despite all of the cats, lol. It is so quiet some days, between my mother sleeping all the time and my sister shut up in her room, that I feel like I live alone sometimes. I'm grateful for my mom and how well she is handling things. She's amazing. She has such a lighthearted take on things most of the time. Like the fact that her eyes have started to see cross-eyed because her health is so bad. She said that when my siblings were going to try to take her to the Festival of Tulips that "one good thing about this is that instead of seeing 10,000 tulips, I get to see 50,000!" Lol. Ugh. She's awesome. I am trying to take on her attitude of optimism.<br />
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Well, thats enough complaining I guess for now. I have to go get my sister up since I've let her sleep 12 minutes more than I said, and I cant let her win. Lol. Jk.. Sort of.<br />
<br />
Liz<br />
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Ps If anyone is having those 'You're such a good daughter' thoughts that I get when I tell people about my situation, please don't. I wish I had been better this whole time. I wish I had spent less time trying to distance myself from the situation and been more thoughtful and helpful. That hurts. Anyways. Gotta go. Happy Monday everyone!<br />
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Pps. Pray for me and my family. I'm realizing the importance of it even more. Thanks.<br />
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Ppps. Sorry for my whininess. I'll make this happier next time.. :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-45091233430994397922012-02-03T12:25:00.000-08:002012-02-03T12:27:45.735-08:00Blogalicious.So I am helping mom house hunt. It all started when I said I was looking to buy a house myself (I know I'm crazy, the fact has been all but notorized). Then I told my mom about it, and she thought that it might be a good idea for her to change up her living situation as well, since she figured the idea of coming in and trying to raise my sisters and fixing up her little house after she passes would be a chore too much to ask for. So here I am a house hunting. Its kind of fun house shopping for someone else, I love these kinds of things. Something that isn't split level entry, has at least 4 rooms, less than a $???, open living area, most everything accessible on the main floor. We've been to one house already and that trip was atrocious. Trying to wheel my mom around in the house and her trying to walk down the stairs and such. Its too much to ask for. So now... dun dun dun.. I have decided for my sisters and I to try to do house visits by Skype. If thats at all possible. I just got a new smart phone (but she doesnt have one, has a laptop tho) and I'm thinking of just walking around the house doing that. But i'm so technology handicapped that I'm not sure how I'll do it. I'd be perfectly happy to get any advice on the matter.. Maybe a free lunch for anyone who wants to walk me through it? Pretty please??<br />
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Testimony is still a struggle. It would help if I wasn't sick the past 2 weeks and couldnt (or didnt want to) make it to church. I'm trying. But its hard when you struggle with wanting to go merely by faith. And when there are certain logics. And if we are going to by-pass those logics, then what is to say that any other religions that by-passes those logics couldn't be correct either? It's all very hard for me, but the one thing mostly that ties me in is that the feeling is good. My life is better when I live the 'Gospel', I know that, I can feel that, and at least, I have a testimony of that. So I'm still trying. :)<br />
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I met a new friend, his name is Doug. And he's pretty stellar. I went and hung out with him and met his fam last night. Some people are so talented that it just blows your mind. He's one of those people. I feel like he's opened me up to some new ideas and possibilites, and I can't wait to hang out again and explore them even more. I need that right now. In a time where I feel like I'm treading vague waters, I need that light of inspiration in my life. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzaiFEOyBwvGV8WiTmkzIwE6jEk4EWlphA9oXkjnDwozh8YA-mJ5-bNRbLY7_TEzuSFnUu-l-S1HK4G4I5d' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">(Sorry for my obnoxious laugh, he said something that made me crack up really bad right before this)</div><br />
<b>Something I learned:</b> Life is a choice. You can choose mediocrity or you can wrestle the odds and, just per chance, come out on top. <br />
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<b>Something I want to do:</b> My friend asked me yesterday (after a long conversation that is too long to script out, so I'll just omit it for your most probable ADD-ness)what it is I want to do, so here was my reply (this is just a list of the things that were on my mind yesterday):<br />
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Go buy a house. Make a dress. Learn sign language. Learn Italian. Get a different second job. Learn to bake cakes. Find a way to be ok dating someone. Go ice skating. Make a music video. Travel the world and do a huge humanitarian project. Learn how to help people with addictions. Take a nap. <br />
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I at least did the last one. :) For about 5 hours actually.. I know. Take it when you can, right? Ok, well thats all for today, I hope you are having a splendid Friday and making the most of every moment. TGIF!<br />
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♥Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-79859054981035627402012-01-12T07:44:00.000-08:002012-01-12T07:44:55.669-08:00With Great Purpose in HeartSo I might change this up a bit. :) But first I'll start with updates, (cause I write this so rarely) my mom has gotten off the Red Devil chemo since even that isnt working. She's gotten alot worse, but I think prayers for her have kept her going steady even so. They are putting her on a new medicine which will kill her red blood cells and make her immune system plummet. So now I will be eyeing every coworker that has even the sniffles as if they carry they plague.. Lol. Don't worry I'll still be nice (in that don't-come-within-15-feet-of-me! type of way). I have started school again (AHHHHHHH!!), and have faith that I will do better at the whole working two jobs and taking 3 classes thing, since I wasnt the best at it last time. Oh, and I have to pay for it all on my own since working two jobs all of last year apparently un-qualifies me for Federal Grant money. Boo. Thankfully, I think I will have saved up enough by this week to not have to do a loan this semester. YAAAY! <br />
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So you want to hear something sad? Ok, you dont, but I'll say it anyways. So in my fashion design classes, every now and then there is a boy in the class who is usually accompinied by his very liberal girl friend. And everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE is talking, and its usually about boys. EVERYONE. Which means the boy is even talking about... well.. boys. And his boyfriend. And now that I am no longer going on a mission (well at least not for awhile til things get better, or.. much worse, with my mom) I have lost that very relaxed, 'I don't give a buffalo's nose' attitude about dating boys. I've mostly gotten over my heart being stuck in a blender and throttled about, and after 2 or more years of not having a REAL relationship, I kind of miss it, and (I'm CRINGING as I say this) may kinda sorta possibly, maybe, be sorta.. wanting one again. PHEW. I think I'm gonna puke. :) So anyways, the sad part is, I was kind of jealous of the gay classmate for having a boyfriend. Don't worry, even I think that sounds strange. :P<br />
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I may possibly have figured out something I can major in. HOORAY!! I was on facebook, and saw an ad for going to school to become an addiction counseler. Don't ask me why but this is something that whenever I saw a job for working in a Rehabilitation center, of any kind, I have always kind of wanted to try. They were always a job to be a watch person or whatever, but the idea of being around those people, and coming to understand and see if I could possibly help them has always been an interest to me (Although the big turn down is that it would be Uber depressing, and lets face it, I don't need more of that in my life). At the same time I saw an ad for learning to decorate cakes and looked at that too. SIGH. That's me. Undecisive. Actually, I wouldn't say so much indecisive as the fact that SO MANY things interest me. I LOVE to learn, it makes me happy. I would probably rather be a Jack of all trades and a Master at none, than the alternative. It makes me happy to know things, probably because I feel on the IQ scale (compared to my siblings) I got jipped, so I just love to know and understand many things. So, my objective? Look into majoring in something that could help me be an Addict counseler. If not I'll do PR. Don't ask me what I'll do with that. Oh, and I'm going to learn to decorate cakes. And I'm currently trying to learn Italian. 'La donna scrive'. Which brings me to my next part.<br />
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I'm going to make a list of things I've always wanted to do. One by One, a new one each post. :)<br />
Oh and maybe a list of things I learned as well, random as they may be.<br />
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1) I have always wanted to ride atop a train. Preferably in a foreign country, but it doesnt have to be. Just sitting there cross legged, with the wind in my hair face towards the setting sun. And maybe attempting to stand up and pretend I'm surfing. Just for fun. So there, that's number one. Maybe someday. :)<br />
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Something I learned today: (this morning at 7 am on my way to work) I can sing higher if I use the back of my throat and maybe sing a little through my nose, which unfortunately makes me sound like a man, but I can switch it up for certain parts. Which would have been helpful to know in '06 when I did that beauty pageant and sang Opera.. Poor audience. :)<br />
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Well that's all for now folks! <br />
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"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart." -Gordon B. Hinckley<br />
Love from a friend- Liz ♥Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-12949027294102928622011-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:002011-11-16T10:30:32.834-08:00What a Weird, Wonderful WorldSo I suppose its been an eventful few weeks. Lets see, I guess I'll start with updates (I'm really bad at keeping up on this aren't I?) Well for starters, I'm not depressed as I was at my last post (Sorry about that), I'm not sure if its the new drugs, or that things seem to be going a little better, even if maybe they really aren't. Well, my mom is on Oxygen now, which sounds really bad, but I am thankful for it, because she feels like she can breathe now and is so much more comfortable and happy because of it. Also, after they realized that her lungs were filling up with water awfully fast after each surgery to drain them, they finally just went into put in ports on both sides of her lungs so that she can drain them herself everyday. Yea. :/ But its good. Although, now her liver area is filling up with water now too randomly, which has us a little worried. I don't really know where the water comes from, my mom has just told me that they said some types of cancer just cause these kinds of things to happen. :/ But she does seem to be feeling a little better, so I am happy with that at least. :)<br />
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I just got back from a trip to Florida for a wedding of one of my best friends. I got to be her Maid of Honor and I was so thrilled to be given that honor and be trusted to help out with the wedding and try to make it the best for her. I don't know if I did all my duties for that becuase I felt like I was doing so many things last minute! :/ But it was really fun and I got to meet some Fantastic! people and see some old ones again that I hadnt seen in awhile. :) Everyone was so wonderful and pulled together to make it what I think was a beautiful occasion, and quite honestly the couple had been through so much, that to just see them married and sealed was so beautiful I dont think it would have mattered what else happened, I was so happy for them. I feel a little bit like I could have used another vacation after that trip just to recover, but I feel so blessed and happy that I was able to go that I can't complain. :) Love it!! :)<br />
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My life is weird. I realized the other day (because my testimony had kind of taken a shot put recently in a downward sloping direction, although its gotten alot better I believe) that I dont really know what I am doing with myself. I said a prayer a few nights ago where I pretty much ran through a list of things I needed to understand and need help with. Mission?, housing, car (I need to try to find one to buy REALLY soon), guys?, mom, family, testimony, job change?, education?... Yea, I'm a bit unsure of things right now to say the least. But thankfully, I don't feel all crazy up in qualms about it at the moment. I'm Soo thankful for that. And I've had some interesting experiences the last couple days that may have helped cement my little faith steps in God and him knowing where I am going. <br />
<br />
1- He has faith in me. I was laying awake the Monday night and was up way later than I usually like to let myself, around 12:30, and was starting to slip off to sleep with the usual thoughts drifting through my head when a thought came through of a coworker of mine. She is a very spiritual lady whom I love very dearly, but who is going through some unique and trying circumstances that will not end in this lifetime. I thought of her and then thought 'I should text her'. Its 12:30 at night peeps, I don't usually do those kinds of things, but I felt pretty confidently that it was something I should do. So I did. I texted her and told her that I had been thinking of her, that I loved her, and that I hoped things were going well. Well, I had a feeling there was a reason I needed to do that (I have been told when someone randomly pops in your head like that, you should give them a call or stop by, because it usually means they need it), and there was. It apparently happened to be PERFECT timing. It made me happier then a pig in mud to be able to be the answer to someone's prayer and help them, and to know that my Father trusted me enough to know that I would do it for him. <br />
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2- He hasn't forgotten me. -Randomly in the last couple days I've had my home teacher call me (they must have reorganized or been motivated by something 'cause I was told when I asked that it appeared the two I had were an inactive and a gentleman who appeared to be the 'unmotivated' type) and told me he heard I needed a blessing. The same night I also had a couple of girls in my ward drop by to visit and see if I was going to the FHE that night as well as just to see how I was doing. I didnt think about how much effort has been put forward to show that I'm remembered til now, but I am thankful that they have and to know that I still am. :)<br />
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3- He loves me. SOOO much. -So about 15 minutes ago (just before I started to write this) I got a phone call on my cell from a number I didnt know. I didnt feel like I should pick it up and so I let it keep ringing intending to let it go to Voicemail, until suddenly I felt like I should. The man on the other end asked if I was Liz, and after saying yes, he said his name and said this was a little awkward becuase he didnt know me, but that he had a strong impression that he should call me and tell me that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that he knows exactly what I am going through. ... Wow. What the heck? Umm, ok.. Cool. :) Yea. I dont know either.. But, my normally skeptical side let it slide and I got kind of teary eyed. I just thanked the man and hung up. Soo... maybe God just realizes that I am going to need some extra pushing these days, or the Cosmos are lining up in weird ways and random people are feeling like they need to do random things? Yea.. I guess they're not so random, so it's probably the first one. Yep, my Dad loves me. Oh and guess what? He's your Dad too.. And I'm pretty sure he must love you too. :) <br />
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♥ from a Friend- Liz :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-62383510459469247912011-08-30T11:52:00.000-07:002011-08-30T11:52:16.034-07:00'Greetings from Limbo'Wow. Life happens.. well I guess its not going fast or slow at this point.. its just goin. My little updates:<br />
*Mission papers were supposed to go in a week ago last Friday, but tada! I'm still here. Doctors had their little meeting and decided they wanted me to meet with the medical Doc again. Seems they're not quite convinced I don't need anti-anxiety meds. And its okay, cause after this last week and a half, I'm not sure I am either.<br />
*Gave my number to a beautiful, apparently awesome boy. Boy called. As we were texting to set up a date later I decided I was totally stupid to give my number to him, cause I could actually like him and, well, I don't really want to set myself up for anymore mission roadblocks. (Not sure if that was my only reasoning or if my blatant fear of relationships and men had something to do with that as well.) Either way, I explained to him my thoughts and said that I thought it better that I pass. He was really cool and nice about it and I couldnt help feeling like I gave up a good one. But trials be trials..<br />
*My momma is doing a (very) little better. She can breathe better now and the water seems to be filling up in her lungs slower? So that makes me somewhat happier although she has started making the 'When I die..' jokes that I try to choke down, but I am none to happy about them, and I am worried that its her way of saying things are much worse than shes letting on, since she's never been good at letting on anything about her cancer anyway. <br />
*I'm off the strict diet for now, and I feel like its helped alot although it seems like the condition hasnt completely gone away, but at least its livable now. :)<br />
There's lots more little things I'm sure, but they are less than important. Although maybe it would be good to update on the little things, cause then maybe I'd feel like something is happening in my life. Maybe I'll report on the runway show I did awhile back and post some pictures of my wicked red hair I had too. The trials and temptations seem to be popping up again more now that things have become more active again with the Mission papers. But I know that things will get better if I keep on pluggin along and strive to keep the Lord on my side. I guess I havent written in awhile cause I've felt like I've had nothin happy worth writin about. But I guess I thought I ought to say 'hey' and 'i'm alive!'. So here goes: 'Greetings from Limbo!' Hope to see you all in a better place here soon, or ya know, not be seeing you but still in a better place soon (mission mission mission!!). Loves- LizDantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-81022034260903918762011-05-12T07:02:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:47:11.239-07:00Happy DanceSo I'm not really sure what to say, but I feel really happy right now. Life has been interesting and challenging lately, but I think I have kind of liked it. Recently I figured out that I have Candida (its basically a bacteria overgrowth from being on too many antiobiotics, whatnot) and that pretty much the only cure was to change around my diet completely. And I mean <i>completely</i>. Apparently the bacteria likes things like sugar and carbs (which was pretty much my diet previously) and a diet like that can actually make the problem worse. Which was starting to cause my migraines, my intolerance to sugar, sluggishness, and brain fog. Can I tell you how happy I was to find out that I wasn't just an Idiot?! :D So I have started to go on this diet (as of early last week) and I have already noticed almost a 180 turn around. I still have alot of the problems, and apparently Candida is suuuuper hard and long to cure, but I can't tell you how amazing I have felt and how much of a change it has been for me. Ok, so let me tell you a little bit about the diet... Cause when I first read it, I thought it was simple enough, but after researching it more, I thought it was kind of a joke... Because, well, the list of things I CAN'T eat are longer than the list of things I CAN eat. Here goes-- NO sugar, NO dairy (except plain yogurt, and I drink almond or soy milk instead of cow), NO refined wheat, rice, yadayadayada (I can have buckwheat, brown and wild rice- all has to be gluten free), NO fruit (thats right.. Fruit. Too much sugar apparently, Although I cheat a little with pineapple cause the alkaline level is high enough it becomes kind of a catch 22... and PLEASE.. I'm not THAT strong!). I'm supposed to stay away from anything but free-range, organic meat (the antibiotics and hormones they put in animals can irritate the problem), NO processed food, certain kinds of nuts, or corn, potatoes, almost all vinegars, and absolutely NO yeast (which weirdly enough rules out alot of spice flavorings). Oh, and I'm supposed to stay away from microwaves. As in, don't heat up any food unless you want to use a skillet or an oven. <br />
<br />
Needless to say, I have eaten a disgusting amount of raw vegetables, steak (which I am actually starting to get sick of, who would have thought?) chicken, seafood, and cold leftovers. All of this hasn't been so bad actually. I have to give my family super Kudos for being supportive and understanding, and even trying to find things I can eat. (It was almost comical going through the fridge and pantry trying to find things I can eat. Folks, look at your salad dressings- I dare you to find one that doesn't have sugar, dairy, or vinegar in any of them.) I love them so much, and I'm so greatful they are my family. My sister Katie is an angel, and one night I came home and she had even tried to make fajita's with whole wheat tortillas (which I'm not really supposed to eat, but it really can be so hard to remember with this dumb diet), but the whole ensemble was too sugary for me and I could tell it wasnt gonna be good for me so I couldnt finish it. But the fact that she tried really made my whole night, and I just lit up like a Christmas tree. The woman cooks for a housefull of people so to try to change things up for me in what would obviously be less appealing fashion for everyone else was such a sacrifice. I also have to give my friends props for not mocking me and being pretty understanding as well. I kind of figured that alot of them would think I was weird or that I was trying to do some extreme weightloss fad. I do NOT have enough willpower to skip out on as many chocolate covered donuts, chips, pasta salads, and dessert menus as I have just to shrink my reflection in the mirror. <br />
<br />
After the initial 'I can do this!' and extreme optimism, which I am proud to say lasted at least a few days, and then reading a longer list of Don'ts and breaking down crying, and then having a friend build me back up again, I have to say I am actually starting to look at this as a challenge I should be greatful for. I did the same thing with my migraines, where I just told myself, its God's way of helping me to stay healthier by having to stay away from as much sugar. But apparently I didn't learn my lesson enough and I needed a little more guiding. (Hello. I'm a girl.. Do I need to tell you I like chocolate?) But it has actually been kind of fun to look online and find recipes or look for things that I actually CAN eat. Allrecipes.com has become my new favorite website and life link. I'm even planning on making my own recipe book of things I can eat. Oh, I think I forgot to mention that this isn't one of those diets that you just have to stay on for a few weeks. People who have Candida are often prone to getting it again, so you have to stay pretty close to the diet for the rest of your life. Yep. FOR-EV-ER. The good news is that after I get rid of the initial overgrowth I can start to eat a tiny bit of sugar and other things. But for the most part I will most likely be gluten-free and low sugar, low processed foods for the rest of my life. If I'm that strong. Which I hope I am. I don't want to be one of those stories I have read where the problem comes back and I have to do this again. <br />
<br />
Ok, I have to mention that I did break down a little yesterday, so I'm not perfect.. It was my Dad's Birthday and we went to Red Lobster (I can eat most everything on their menu to my hearts content. Butter weirdly enough is actually allowed, and lemons are actually encouraged cause they are one of the few fruits that are initially acidic but change to an alkaline state in the body. I feel so smart right now. :)) And I have been taking this stuff that my dad gave me to help kill it, and I kneeew I might breakdown with those yummy, flakey, cheese biscuits they have there. So I let myself give in.. just a little. And then my dad had ordered a virgin strawberry daquiri that was delivered in a Martini glass that was a big enough size for a baby turtle to swim in and decided he wanted to show me how well the stuff he gave me could work. So I had some.. alot of some. And then I had some more biscuits.. and then some strawberry cheesecake.. And it was Amazing! But after even several sips of the daquiri I was starting to feel sick. My head was getting fuzzy, my stomach queesy, and some of the old symptoms were starting to flare up. So through trial and ERROR, I can say that this diet is really working for me. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn so many new things, about nutrition, greater willpower, the love of my family, a newfound desire to cook and help others feel better too, and that my Heeavenly Father loves me. Alot. This could change me for the rest of my life and help me to help others for the better. Which I love to do. So even though this may make things seriously hard for dating, my mission, my grocery budget, my family, and my willpower, I am thankful that I am being kicked in the butt to be healthier and given the opportunity to grow. I hope everyone can see the trials in there life as hidden blessings and take them as the opportunities to learn and grow that they are. I'm not excited for the future conversations I will have to have of explaining why I can't have this or that, but I am excited for the newfound freedom I'll have from my symptoms and the health that comes with it. And hey.. who says that smaller reflection isn't a great side-effect? :)<br />
<br />
Hoping you have a great, sunny, WARM day. :)<br />
<br />
P.s. A new tip I have found- If you want to make a salad dressing that is healthy and actually GOOD for you, try making yours from Plain Yogurt. Buy the Ranch packets in the store and just add it to the yogurt instead of Sour Cream. Tons less fat, lots of probiotics (good bacteria thats needed to fight the bad, and good for digestion) and it tastes almost exactly the same. (Greek yogurt is good if you like thicker dressing, and the yogurts can come in Fat-Free too. Bonus!!) :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-24031779947122604512011-01-21T13:32:00.000-08:002011-01-21T13:41:17.857-08:00Stars shine brighterSo life has been pretty nice lately. Albeit I am living out of a suitcase and sleeping on a mattress in my little sisters sometimes chilly livingroom, I have to say I am pretty blessed. Before I got kicked out of the place I was living in (Really long story, but the short version is that my older sister's landlady is well, I have nothing nice to say about her, so I wont, (but she has some SERIOUS control/<s>crazy</s>... (ok, i'll be nice) issues.) and that she didnt want me staying in the house anymore. So it was either I moved out within a couple days or my sisters whole family would get kicked out of the rental house in a month. I'll admit I cried alot, cause it kinda sucks to finally have someplace somewhat comfortable and homey to live in, and the next moment be without one at all. Thankfully my family is one that is used to helping each other and trying to patch things up in the face of adversity. So my lil sis has let me call her living room home for a few weeks til I can find a new place. (Its kind of cute actually cause she doesnt have a bed, so she sleeps on the couch and when I moved in she started sleeping on mine when I go to work since she's usually up through the night. So we have a rotating schedule where we can both have a bed to sleep on. :)) My older sister may have just found a new house for everyone to be able to fit in, with more rooms and a (most likely) more understanding landlord. I'm hoping it works out, and if not, I still have faith that God knows whats going on and that things will be okay and work out in their own due time. <br />
<br />
I realize trials are only there to make us stronger and sometimes I think God is trying to prepare me for the Strong-Man contest. But I am grateful for them nonetheless. Sometimes I feel like I need them. When life just feels like an emotionless blur, and I dont know what to think or if what's important is really important, I almost find myself wishing for one to help put things back in perspective. I thought of something that made a beautiful image in my head for it. 'Stars shine brighter the darker it gets.' (It might already be a quote that I just remembered.) Our blessings are like stars, and in a world where there are ever lights on outside, and other things to be distracted by, its amazing how we can often miss something so beautiful, until all the sudden things get darker and we are forced to see they are there, and that they are brighter than we ever realized. I'm so thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my jobs, my car, a roof over my head, and that I have friends and influences around me that keep me sane and buoyed up. And I'm thankful that God still knows I'm here. It's interesting how He work in mysterious ways. But so many times I am grateful for that, because He is the master painter, the master writer, and how boring a world it would be to live in if He weren't. ♥Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-72098450420521555822010-12-21T14:23:00.000-08:002012-12-04T11:31:19.776-08:0010Holding a smile that curls 1/10th of 1/10th, <br />
But you know the grin that hides behind my eyes. <br />
Gazing at me in wonder, <br />
A neck craned so slight, <br />
Peering within to find the crevaces that in my soul lie.<br />
Searching how something appearing so shallow<br />
Can have an abyss hiding inside.<br />
<br />
I hide in my corner,<br />
But you steal through my unseen rooms. <br />
10 steps away <br />
And closer than 10 thousand others before.<br />
A friend for so long but how in an instant all can change.<br />
You cross the room, put a hand on my soul,<br />
And I try not to hold on, but obstain. <br />
Orange to blue. Blue to Orange.<br />
Someday I want something that will hold true.<br />
But today I know, that in this time,<br />
My Dear friend, this won't ever be with you.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Welcome to the world. <br />
You've tumble-bumbled through a black box before,<br />
They lamely lied a wonderous life.<br />
But this, herein is where you're meant to be,<br />
This herein was where you're meant to lie.<br />
With silk-soft arms holding ever in, <br />
And honey-laced lips brushing 'cross sweet eyes.<br />
Our palms pressed, kissing, and fingertips molded,<br />
A fit for in which puzzle pieces may only strive.<br />
<br />
My dear, close those affecting eyes, <br />
Forevers come and gone. <br />
But I'm still here, and will be always,<br />
For I love you 10 times those endless stars<br />
And then again, even on.Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-7385548577185179412010-11-22T09:28:00.000-08:002010-11-22T09:28:50.670-08:00No. 4(I started this post last friday and have changed it a little to make it applicable to now.) <br />
So I was planning on posting soon anyways, but I got some news just recently that made me want to write. Because I don't really have alot of really close friends that I can talk to about anything, I write. And I know people say 'If you ever need anything you can talk to me..' but how many people actually mean that, or if they do, how many of us are actually brave enough or desperate enough to want to actually go spill to someone we hardly know, and we feel would leave us just as empty after talking to? So I write. <br />
I got home after my second job last thursday with full intention of going straight to bed so that I could wake up around 12:30 to go to the Harry Potter premier a friend had invited me to (Yea, I know it was super crazy, but I felt I wanted/should go because I had baled on this friend on a previous midnight showing cause I wasn't feeling well and other dumb circumstances). So I got home and figured I should go upstairs and check on my family, the babies, see how they were all doing and say good night. But my mom was there, I guess to help out while one of my sis's and her husband went to get food. Its good to see my mom, I hardly ever get to see her lately and if I do its usually for 2-20 minutes. I call her more frequently now tho since she's been getting worse, and we have big plans to go to Shopko and have a shopping spree on their new scarves and hats she saw before all her hair falls out. We all talked for a bit about who knows what and then my sister and her husband came home, and then my mom started in on something. She started to get broken up and it took me a minute to get was she was saying. 'I got a call from Uncle Bobby and for some reason Grandma blacked out so she ended up at the hospital and they found that she has cancer on her kidney.. so they had an emergency surgery and they are hoping it will work out ok. If not she has about a week to live, if it does than she has about 3 to 6 months....' I love my grandma. She lives in Florida so I havent been able to see her in 4 years. But I've kept thinking how much I miss her lately and how I wish I could go out there just to see her. I've thought about it, but with saving up for a mission I figured it would be kind of a selfish indulgence to spend the money to go out there, and with my two jobs it seemed nearly impossible to get it off anyways. (She has always been in perfect health so I figured I could see her when I came back from a mission.) I write her every now and then and I had a feeling a couple weeks back to write her again, I had been meaning to for awhile but I finally had the thought at a time I actually had time to do it. I wrote her about life, school, work, and the hope of going on a mission. I told her how much Grandpa was such an example to me and helped me to learn how important working hard and doing things right was, and how much I miss him as well. I talked alot about God and how I am so much happier with life and I hope that she could someday find the happiness I have found by knowing him. I worried that I would turn her off because she isnt Mormon although she is Christian, (this is where I ended before I had to get off, and some things have changed to make me finish this a different way..) but apparently my mom says that my Uncle said that he doesnt know what I said in that letter, but it has made her so happy and she hasnt stopped talking about it since. He said thank you more than any words can say.. I was shocked, but so happy, because I love my Grandma, and because I also know that it wasnt all me.. God had a large hand in getting me to write and helping me to know what to say, and I was just an instrument in his hand to help her. :) I love when things like that happen. When God lets you be a part of helping someone else, and when he makes it sooo obvious how much he loves his children. I don't know what part of what I said really impacted her, but I'm sooo thankful that I was listening to be able to say it. <br />
I bought one-way tickets last friday for my mom and little sister to go to Florida this Friday after Thanksgiving and then I was planning on flying out the day of my last class and staying for about 5 days. But when I got home last night my family was all there again and my mother informed me that my little sister could not go because My grandma would not be able to handle the stress. She had already had a stress attack that had made her heart stop apparently and thankfully my aunt (who is a nurse) happened to be there to help her. Everyone chimed in at once and basically said that I needed to go. All my other siblings are too young or have babies and couldnt. I have work and school but they all said I should be the one to go. I could do my homework there they said because my Grandma apparently has a collection of sewing machines.. lol. And I would only need to get 3 days off at one of my jobs by some fluke of amazingness. But I already talked to my morning job and they said they didnt think they could let me. Apparently friday two of the office girls already have off and so they said no. But I'm still hoping something else works out. If not, oh well, thats life. I just hope that I'll still be able to make it out there before she passes. <br />
Oh by the way No. 4? No. 4 means that this is the 4th out of 5 people on my mother's side of the family who have been diagnosed with some sort of cancer. My grandma's is apparently the rarest type of cancer, and has a 1% survival rate of lasting up to a year after detected. Crazy right? Thank heavens for God, Jesus Christ, the Lds church and the influence they all have in my life. I don't know how I would make it through these days without them. I love you all and hope you have a wonderful holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving and remember all the many things we have to be grateful for. :) Wish me luck, and hopefully, I will have better news for you all soon! ♥ -LizDantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-87284359898610149362010-11-05T09:21:00.000-07:002010-11-05T09:21:20.840-07:00Jehoshaphat!So what to say. I've been a little blue lately. But not in the way I'm used to. I guess it has been a whole combination of things, but one of the biggest reasons is my testimony. <br />
<br />
Ok, so I have obviously been planning to go on a mission for awhile now, but (I think it must have been spurred on by Model Guy weasling doubts in my mind) about a week ago I had an experience that has made me question my whole testimony. No, it wasn't anything profound, I just think weasling can go a long way.. <br />
I was in the temple doing baptisms with my good friend when I'm in the font trying to concentrate on whats going on and on feeling the spirit when I have this "What on Earth am I doing??" moment. I am continuing to be dunked one after another all the while my MIND swirling and thinking "This doesn't make any sense. Why am I doing this? What on earth is happening?". It was like all the sudden my mind took over and every possible illogicality came to surface with the same momentum as the water kicking up around me as I would. <br />
I walked out of the temple, feeling good, but all the sudden completely unsure of what I was doing, why I was doing it, and if any part of what I was doing made sense. My testimony seemed to have kind of 'jumped ship' at that moment and I was left in sadness and confusion with what I should do or if the Church I always seemed to belong to and had previously had a burning testimony of being true, was even true. So for the last week I have clung to that feeling of peaceful logicality, because even though my life seems to be ruled by feeling, my mind often freaks out and says, "No, don't worry. Everything will be all right.. THIS is right.", correcting whatever miscourse I feel like my heart may have been leading me into or over-feeling about, to help me feel some semblence of sanity. <br />
<br />
So now I am just confused. I feel like one of those investigators that you hear about how they are feeling unsure and searching, but you can't really understand it. And hopefully, that could help me someday, if, hopefully, I ever feel that strong knowledge and desire that the church is true and that I want to share it with the world, again. Part of me still knows it, or thinks that I do, which is why I am not giving up. I'm still trying to attend all my meetings, go to Mission Prep every sunday, read my scriptures, and pray continually. But my prayers have changed. Now I am asking if the church is true, and if it isn't... where do I find the truth? Where do I go to worship God and do my best and share the knowledge of him and his truths with the world. Because I've never been a good salesman, I have to know. I have to know that what I am telling someone is the truth in order to share it with them and get them to want to have the same thing too. I'll keep praying. But I somehow hope that others will know to pray for me too..<br />
<br />
On to other news. Life is interesting and always changing. Yesterday I had a rough patch at my second job for a couple hours. I kept trying to have a good attitude but it was hard, and I was so high-strung. It didnt help that my sisters kept calling me one right after the other without leaving me any voicemails, which made me freak out because I knew that my mother was supposed to find out yesterday whether or not she had a brain tumor. So I was kind of freaking out on top of the chaos of customers, having to use new, unfamiliar technology, and the lack of help at work. My eyes were getting teary and I was having a hard time trying to remain professional, so thankfully my Supervisor <i>finally</i> found someone to help me and said she'd watch for 5 minutes while I called my sisters back.<br />
I literally bolted to the back of the store to stand outside of the less used door of the break room to call my sister. Thankfully the doctors didnt have any news about a brain tumor (which we are taking as a good thing for now) but I was informed that she wont be having surgery on her gallbladder (which I dont know how I feel about, since she was in such pain from it that I had to take her to the ER late on a Saturday night. Thankfully she was helping me with my sewing homework, so I was there to drive her instead of her driving herself this time.) and that she started the new Chemotherapy yesterday that will make her hair fall out, again. I'm so much more worried about my mom than I have been in forever. I know she has had cancer since I was 12, but for some reason it just eventually became 'a thing', that was just old hat, something that just <i>was</i> in my life. <br />
She's always been super strong, to the point that, she never would make a big deal about things, like "Oh my markers are up" or "Its spread to my liver, but we're tryin somethin new so we'll se what happens' in an oh so casual voice, as to not make us feel like it was that big of a deal. I dont think I ever realized or appreciated how strong she was until now. I've always known that she's tried to stay alive for US, but I never realized how much more she did with that til now. Until I realized how serious it really could be, and that this woman who seemed so indestructible and unkillable, might not be..<br />
I'm holding it in tho, because I've been so.. terrified, that I just didnt know what to do, but I had prayed about it and got this peaceful feeling, kind of a 'Everythings going to be ok, she'll be ok' feeling. And I still feel unsure and worry about it sometimes, but at least I'm not racked with grief and fear. So I'm ok. Life will be ok...<br />
<br />
In other random news, just so you dont think I think that my life is a Tragedy (I'd rather it be like a Romantic Comedy-type feel, except for without the Romantic part), yesterday Darren Williams came into my work and hung out for about an hour and talked to me for half a sec (he was checking out the new R8 that sits like 5 feet away from my desk). So I guess that was kind of cool, although he's shorter and smaller in real life than I'd expected. And I have also just finished reading my Aunt's latest novel called <i>Journey of Honor</i>, whom I didnt even know wrote novels til about a month ago.. and it was really good. Its funny cause she wrote it as a 'Love Story' not a Romance Novel (which sounds stupid, but is totally true cause she somehow wrote it without all the sappy, overly emotional, immature, and sexual.. <b>Junk</b>. And its actually pretty good.) I guess whats funny about her writing novels is the fact that I know her as the really 'level-headed, awesome, yet family oriented' -Aunt, who doesnt have a degree in anything to do with writing (as far as I know), but has a really great, loving relationship with her husband, that I have seen and would like to follow the example of. So I could actually see her writing books like that- and I would want to read them. I love seeing family succeed in personal relationships, as well as the other extra-curricular goals in life, but especially the personal relationships. Because it makes me feel like I could :<b><i><b><i>maybe</i></b></i></b>: do it someday too..<br />
<br />
Well, until we meet again.. TTFN. :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-2341195758152687312010-10-28T09:56:00.000-07:002010-10-28T09:56:04.795-07:00What a funny world we live in, and what on earth am I supposed to do with it?So life is just weird. I've been planning on going on a mission for the last couple months and I had a meeting with my bishop recently where he related to me in Football terminology that sometimes you can go the 80 yards just fine in a game, but often the last 20 are the hardest. (I'm guessing on the yardages here folks, cause, well... I grew up with 5 sisters.) But I understood what he meant. I've watched enough football games to know that it can seem a sure thing until they get to the 20 yard line and then somehow... they just never can make it to the endzone. So what does this mean? That even though you've got the ball, Satan's got a team of big bad Polynesian sized me... ok.. lets just say he knows what he's doing and he's going to play hard.<br />
<br />
So I expected this, although everytime my bishop said "there's gonna be a man that enters your life" I brushed it off with a 'Yea, whatever' type thought in my head. Cause its true, guys enter my life all the time. But most of the time I am on my guard or really just have myself put off so that none of them really get to me. But then.... Model Guy.. Ta da!! <br />
<br />
So I probably never would have met him if it werent by a request of one of my good photographer friends that I go to this shoot with her. But there he was and being all spazzy and funny. Well to be correct, he kept walking behind my friend and flashing me with his umm.. <i>Fitness</i> magazine cover- type abs. Distracting, to say the least. So we ended up shooting together, talked a little bit, and then I kind of figured that was the end of it. That maybe i'd come across him again and he would be fun to shoot with, but that was it. <br />
<br />
Buut Nooo. Remember how I said Satan works hard at you? Well, he really does.. Model guy found me on facebook, added me and then started chatting me up. Would I want to do another shoot together? Sure. Would I be interested in doing partial nude? No. Yadayadayada. That wasnt the big deal. Believe it or not I've dealt with that before. What the problem is, is that he's actually a really fun and nice guy and likes to do alot of the same things I do. And.. I cant seem to just phase him out. I just figured I wouldnt worry about it. Dont contact him, dont try to be too flirty when I did talk to him.. that kind of thing. Except- It's hard to remember when I've had a guy be so persistant with me before... Uhh?? <br />
He is the type of guy that actually <b><i>calls</i></b> you up and asks if you'd like to do something, go to lunch, and empathasizes when your having a bad day. And I mean like, seriously.. Ugh.. Bleh! He's the tall, with dark hair, and handsome thing going on-type guy. But he's not mormon. And that wouldnt be so bad (I really am just looking for friends here, folks) except that he constantly brings up religion and seems to be trying to talk me out of going on my mission. What do you do with that? I'd like to have someone fun to go rock-climbing and swing dancing with like he and I both like to do.. But I dont have the best feeling about it whenever I think of being <b>good</b> friends with him, and I havent quite figured out what to do with it yet. <br />
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We'll see what happens. Hopefully nothing. But until then, I'll just keep reminding myself to remember that 'The best defense is a good offense', and that it really is just 20 yards. :)Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7886852060534794849.post-78661878831040522422010-10-15T23:02:00.000-07:002010-10-15T23:02:17.039-07:00Dress Design for Shabby Apple dressesOk, so I realize this is undoubtedly the worst picture/quality of anything this side of the turn of the century, but it was the best I could do after a 14 hour work day and not getting home til ten o'clock at night. My mothers scanner and I apparently have communication issues and so I had decided to move on my sisters camera (yes, I know, how lame of me not have my own..) who did not seem to be as friendly as promised either. So here, you have it, a picture of my pretty little pink dress design for <a href="http://shabbyapple.com/">Shabby Apple dresses</a>. Truly I could have drawn the picture better than technology could have captured it (well actually I did, you just cant tell..). The design was inspired most likely by one of my work shifts stuck out on a Garden register in fall where I had <i>waaay</i> too much time to wander around looking at flowers and rakes and be inspired to sketch random dresses. The top is layers of scallops that would be cut out of a sheer fabric as an overlay of a matte fabric that would be of a deeper tone pink. The ribbon would be a match of the result of the color from the sheer light pink and the deeper tone, and the rest of the dress is just a light colored pink overall. The fabric of the majority of the dress would be a very elegant but somewhat stretchy fabric in order to fit many body types in a flattering way. In my mind the dress has a subtle but powerful presence as it understated but has a sort of eloquence and boldness to it as well. I wanted to design something that was different, but pretty and could be worn on a nice date or just to church. The dress colors I could thought of would be a very light pink, a light light aqua, and a periwinkle blue (for my little sister who when I asked her what she thought of the dress said "Its cute! Except for the pink.... I'd wear it if it were blue!" So just for her. :) ) That is all I can think of to say about this dress, other than to apologize for the picture quality, I hope to post a better picture when the scanner and I become better friends. Well thats all for now, so TTFN and have a great night!! ♥ Me<br />
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P.s. I will most likely be making this dress for my Pattern by Measure class. So if I do, I'll post pictures for anyone of you who may be interested in the end result. Cause ya know... its always fun to see your vision become a reality. ♥Dantzelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15981074240392257969noreply@blogger.com1