Since my last post, I have found and let go of a wonderful man, went to Uganda, Africa, and moved around several times without a job. The wonderful man's name was Bronson and it still semi breaks my heart to think about how perfect he was. He really was AMAZING. You have to have capital letters to describe him, its the only way.. Unfortunately, long story short, it just didn't feel right, and it felt that way for both of us, so in the end it just fell apart. I was seriously sure I was going to marry this guy at one point... Even said so straight to his face. I will also miss his wonderful mother, who in many ways was like my own, and I want to cry at the idea of not seeing his wonderful mom again. I knew when his family was so great, he was so great, everything was so GREAT that something had to be wrong. Of course, I had trust issues... So there was that. But really, it just felt too good to be true. How could all my hopes and wishes and desires be fulfilled? I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing and that introducing me to Bronson was maybe to revive my faith in good men and my hope that someday I could marry one. And to open up my hard shell of a heart. I think I did that for him too, even though I'm terrified I may have hurt him in the end instead of helping like I had wanted. I hope he knows how Amazing I still think he is, even despite his teeny tiny flaws that I know he thinks are ginormous.
Since that break up, I also had spun down into a hole the size of Kennecott, and ended up at a fork in the road: Do I stop traveling, do I keep dragging my anvil-weight baggage, or do I take a time-out from life and let someone help me unpack, figure out how to reorganize what I'm given along the way, and learn how to let it go as I can? So after I was very much close to the decision to stop traveling, my sister stepped in and yanked me on her bandwagon until I could get to my Time Out station (I know I'm being vague, but lets face it, there are too many judgmental people out there and this gives me license to deny anything. :)) After several weeks of someone pulling me out of the Kennecott-sized crater and helping me etch away at my anvils... I feel like I'm almost to the top of the ridge. And MY! I had no idea it was so bright up here without all the shadows to dim Life!! This same Life I refer to is the one that has been laden with sadness, hurt, abuse, neglect, illness, death, and overall combined to a crippling mentality and just hopelessness.
Many of my siblings have had to deal with these things in similar or the same ways, and after going through a couple weeks of climbing and etching at anvils, I had gotten to the point where I had started to see the Sun over the ridgeline. I was at lunch with a couple of my sisters and said to one of them, "You know that feeling like you are half drowning all the time??" She said yes. "Well, I don't feel like that anymore.!!!" I think she thought I was a bit looney for how enthusiastic I was over um.. unpacking and mountain climbing. I cant really blame her. I've been down there, in the shadows, for most my life. When you are down there, you can see the people up above you, but its almost a mirage, like you don't really believe the ability for you to be up there exists, so you don't believe in it. And I know people who have always seemed to live in the sun and to them, below is so dark from the blinding light that they are always in, that they don't really see or understand that anyone can be down there, it makes no sense to them.
I think I am one of the lucky ones honestly, after years of dragging anvils around in circles in my crater, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes dipping lower, I have been silently begging for and dreaming for the possibility to understand the sunshine. And the weird thing about being in the dark and low crater is that its truly that; You can try with all your might to go somewhere, but until you find a way to get to the top, you will just be going around in circles, going nowhere. The top is where you can travel about the world, build new things. I won't be surprised if this doesn't really make sense to some of you, but if it does and you are in the sun, despite your inevitable obstacles COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! You have no idea how many people would give a limb to understand where you are, even if you are just peeking over the skyline, you can see the sun and are close enough to eventually reach up and go somewhere. So DO it! For those of you who are in the pit: I understand. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. And I know sincerely and wholeheartedly how BLESSED I am! Because after so much time hoping, and praying, and searching, God placed an Arnold Schwarzenegger-size climber, that understood how to help me hold and taught me how to chisel and chip away at the anvils, within my path. And I am epically grateful for this person and evermore so for my Heavenly Father who's mercy and LOVE allowed me this new panorama. I have a deep faith that with prayers, time, and patience you may enjoy this grand view also.
So now that I see the sunrise, and how beautiful it is, I understand that the things God has asked of me to do are amazing and possible. I know I've got to move again (Yayyyyy......... ) and then I am going to start my own business. I'm really excited about it, and really nervous for the process at the same time. But I know its the direction God has pointed me to go to next and I have faith that if I'm supposed to create this thing (I may be introducing the idea to you all soon), that as I stop and ask for directions and pave my own pathway, he'll pick me up when I'm going to fall. Its amazing to me how in-my-face the Holy Ghost and it's guidance has been lately; I'm thankful for it, and even as I marvel at it, I hope I can continue to endeavor to deserve it.
Have a wonderful January everyone! Pray when you're up, not just when you're down, hold Hope with you always, and let Faith carry you ever in its wings. I'll never be able to describe the happiness the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me (Mormon.org), but I hope that you get to have, even at the very least, a smidgen of this happiness, because it is truly the greatest thing on Earth.