Tuesday, December 4, 2012


I now realize that it's been 5 months since I have written on this. And my, how my life has changed. I became the legal guardian to a 16 (now 17) year old, who also happens to be my sister. I am still working at The Cheese or The Factory, or whatever you'd like to call it, pick your nickname. I am finally a server and even though this does create somewhat more money, it has not picked up at the restaurant and so small hours still equals small funds. I am just beginning to realize how hard the atrocity of my life is. I think I've been in a (thankfully) blissful denial of it this whole time.

My sister isn't going to school. The brilliant little Imp (She picks up on Latin like it's not a dead language..) has grown up with no one really making her go to school or showing her how sincerely important it was, but instead letting her slide by because, well, my mom was too sick to really enforce it on or show her. Bless her soul. So my brilliant little Imp (I say this affectionally believe it or not..) of a sister wakes up with 'headaches' or  'nausea' or 'insane dizziness' or 'breathing problems' or occasionally her alarm 'didn't go off' or somehow she 'slept through it'. She walks to school which is less than 5 minutes away, so i dont need to drive her. In fact it takes longer to drive her to school because the path by our house leads directly to the school, unlike the road that goes AROUND half the city to take her there. Oh and if I try to wake her up to help her out? She gets offended and 'it only makes her want to do the things I want her to do less'. So she says. She is an angel when it comes to the majority of morals. I have to make sure I am not saying something even in the least bit offensive around her most the time and make sure the music that is on the radio doesn't have offensive words. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, she would be the one keeping me in check. And I am so proud of her for that. But she has a stubbornness that could not be matched by most mules. Anyone who knows her knows I can't toss her off her bed and into the car either. She is able to throw her body weight around more than I can, so that is out of the question. So what do I do? She is going to fail almost all her classes this Term, I think. And I feel lost. And hopeless. And tired of trying things I know probably won't work anyway.

Today was awful. For one reason only. Well almost everyday is hard just because its a new day sometimes I feel, but this one was awful. We had to send in my mom's death certificate to our phone carrier to switch my siblings and my accounts over to my name. I called them after I got the letter a week ago that they had received her death certificate so that I could complete the transfer. They told me that when they did the transfer that it would wipe clean all of our voicemail accounts.    .....................................   Not happening. I had 3 voicemails from my mom that I had kept carefully saved on there so that I would never lose her voice. (I had accidently deleted 2 of them one day while cleaning out old voicemails and after freaking out, realized that since I hadnt hung up yet I would be able to retrieve them and resave them. PHEW!) So I told them I didnt want to transfer the accounts yet until I could figure out how to save her voicemails to a computer, he said basically that I had a limited time to do this. Well I had no clue how and was attempting to try to get friends to help me with it, several times, but it always escaped me to get right on it (..As most things do. Sometimes I wonder if it's really just the skin on my neck that is holding my head on.. clearly nothing else is going on up there.)  So I woke up this morning to a phone that had no reception. The little X was the only thing showing a possibility of there ever being any connection. I went to check my account online and it said that my number had been canceled. SHI%$#$$#nitch. I knew what that most likely meant. I called and after the 3rd time telling the gentleman on the phone he understood my sad story. Unfortunately with all his trying there wasnt anything he could do to have my voicemails not disappear.

50 minutes later I hung up the phone and resigned to the sadness of not having the dial-up option of hearing my foregone mother's voice.

The rest of the day was uneventful, but as I sat on the computer talking with friends who I felt just somehow sapped energy and soul from me more, I realized I have an undying sadness in my soul that never seems to go away. Never feels satisfied. I want it to go away. I miss my mother so much sometimes. I felt like I was protected and everything somehow was going to work out okay even with the horridness that always seemed to happen in our lives. And I dont know what to do here without her. I feel so consistenly blessed, so I somehow feel ungrateful for dwelling on the haplessness of life and not focusing on the greatness of my gifts more. I just dont know how to really feel REALLY happy again somedays. Even draining the fluid from my moms lungs or just sitting close to her on her bed while she lay asleep with her reality competition shows playing, I felt more alive. Now I feel blessed, but somewhat alone and sapped of my previous liveliness.

Sorry to vent. But I feel tired of the hardness of life. I know everyone has their own trials. This is just me sharing mine. And hoping someone understands and can give some solutions. SOMETHING, Give me SOMETHING.

On to some hopeful or maybe better news.... I got accepted into a Talent Agency here in Salt Lake. Even though I was accepted for modeling I tried out for the acting section and one of the managers seemed to think I had some promise, so I have a call back to do another test reading on Thursday. I have gotten a few opportunites to do some acting and a few photoshoots as well. Which I enjoy. I am hoping this goes somewhere. Not for me really. But I think if I had a chance to make something of myself and be in the limelight some how, it would be ABSOLUTELY amazing to be able to be a good example for others (If I can continue to try to make good decisions and be that good example). Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that in this field. Sometimes I want to walk away from it just cause its too hard, or to just make it easier and wear something that isn't exactly 'temple modest'. Pray for me that if I do end up going somewhere, that I can retain my morals to be the example that I want to be with my whole heart and soul.
Well folks. Thats enough rambling for me again I guess for now.. I hope life is going well for you and that you aren't struggling so nearly and desperately as I feel I am at times. And if you are, take it one moment at a time. There is always someone out there who has been there too and is willing and hoping to understand you.
Love you all. Cheers.