So today my mom is getting surgery to have the edema drained from her liver area. (It makes her look pregnant and she jokes that she is going to be delivered, and that all her recent deliveries have been under the sign Aquarius. Ha ha!) Yes, my mother is a hoot. :) Also, she is going to have a brain scan done today since her cross eyes had gotten worse. I felt so bad for her cause she couldn't see anything right and every time we would have to drive somewhere she would be in a panic since it looked like we were going to hit every vehicle on the side of the road. But she has a good attitude about it. They put a prism on one side of her glasses to fix it and now she says everything looks like its trying to be a 3d movie and there are psychedelic rainbows everywhere. Lol.
She asked me once if her lightheartedness about things was too much. I told her, no, it was just perfect. I don't know what I would do if she tried to be all serious about it. It makes me cry even at the moments when things are serious on their own. The other day I woke up from a nap to her playing the piano. She hasn't played the piano in almost ten years. I cried. It was slow and beautiful. And she had to stop eventually cause she couldn't see the notes straight. It made me happy though. Happy sad. She asked if I was okay cause I was hiding half my face with the wall and my eyes were teary and I was sniffling. She thought I was getting sick or had allergies. I went with it. She would be so sad if she knew I was sad. She said that one day, "Now try not to be sad or cry, because you know when I am up there I will just be sad and crying because my babies are sad and crying." I love her.
Yesterday was kind of an off day. I woke up and showered after making my mom breakfast and I was going to get ready and go to my sacrament meeting before I'd go to my moms with her. But I couldn't find anything to wear I felt, (cause my closet still has painting supplies in it and I haven't really unpacked anything because of it yet. Yea, I know.. I'm lazy.) so I just climbed in bed and I felt so down that I just didn't want to get back out. I made it to church with my mom tho, which was really nice. I just wish there was more of my siblings there. They were invited. They just didn't want to come..
I'll tell you about the surprise gift for my mom. Lets just say we lucked out and there is a super nice and really amazing pianist that happens to be in my stake who was kind enough to agree to play for my mom. I just am really nervous about it for some reason. I just have nervousness about today. And with really busy pianists, brain scans, and a surgery.. That really makes it worse that I feel nervous about today. Pray for me. And my mom. And the pianist. Lol.
I did a modeling job the other day. I went to a casting call for Aloxxi (that's another story that is kind of amusing that I might have to tell another time) and I got it, thankfully. So it was for the big Hair Show at the South Towne Expo Center and they dyed my hair bright red, twice actually. It was too green under the lights for the first show day, so they dyed it again, lol. Which I actually liked better. :) So there was a secret prayer that was actually answered there. :) But I had to wear something immodest. And a couple of the other models were Mormon too and were endowed. The girl Mormon had to wear something immodest, I asked them what they thought about when they had to do that. The guy said he considered it part of his job and it was an activity that he couldn't wear his G's. The girl kind of said the same thing although she didn't love that she had to wear something immodest. It made me feel a little better about wearing a tube top dress and so I just tried to tell myself that it was okay. But throughout this whole week when I have had other possibilities come up for shoots and I have tried to keep that mentality.. It just hasn't felt right. I felt sad, and off, and a little sick with myself. I always told myself I would keep my modesty if I could make this a career, but now I am seeing the increasing difficulty in it. I'm so confused. I know what I want to do, but I don't know how I can make something out of this while still keeping my values intact. I'll figure it out.. I think.
One more thing. I was talking to my mom the other day, and I don't remember how it came up, but she said something that kind of surprised me. She said she had always considered the cancer a blessing. I asked her why, and she said that otherwise we would have just been halfway children, or something like that. That since my father wasn't there that she would have always had to been at work and she would never see us and we would never feel like we had a parent or that we would see her. So this was a way for her to stay home and to be with us and still be able to have us have food and a home. (She had thankfully had disability insurance when she was diagnosed with it. Although, I would never say we didn't struggle.) My mom thought having cancer was a blessing because it meant she would get to be with us. Wow. It made me realize how really amazing she is. How much she loved us and how much she would have sacrificed and did sacrifice for us. She is incredible, and I am so happy and thankful that I am able to live the time she has left with her, and that she has been in my life.
Happy Monday everyone. Make today the best. Cause that is up to you to decide. Happy day!
-Liz :)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Whininess
So I realize its been a couple months since I have posted on this, and my life has changed a lot. I got laid off from my job at Audi (there goes my dream of buying a house, but its probably for the best) and quit Home Depot, and got hired on at The Cheesecake Factory at City Creek. Actually, all of that happened within one week, although not in that order. That was a fun one..
My mom finally decided that she couldn't raise my little sisters anymore (it's been awhile now that she hasn't had the ability to do much, and a 12 and 16 year old aren't the best caregivers), and so my littlest sister Nikki and I switched houses and she is now being raised by my older sister and I am now living with my mother and TRYing to help my 16 year old sister. TRY being the keyword because, as of this moment, I am giving her another half hour to sleep because I think I have found my match for a stubborn personality. She has been in home schooling for a couple years now, and since she did not have someone to really enforce it, she mostly has just been sleeping in and reading books all day and having 'issues' with the computer program that is her home schooling. Heaven help me.
Several weeks ago my mom was told by her Doctor that she wasn't responding to Chemo anymore and with the water in her lungs and liver that constantly refills, they said they are giving her 2 to 3 months. To live.
I don't know why I've been so blind to the fact that this is coming, it still hasn't quite really hit me, it is pretty much just very surreal. Maybe its cause some days she seems so much better, but I know that is just because what energy she had that was sapped from the Chemo treatments is being returned. I don't want to think about it, and I think that's one reason I think I am "doing so well with it" some days. But the days where she just suddenly says "We need to talk about what make up I'll be wearing" or when I check in on her sleeping and I'm scared to think she might not be breathing, so I check, or when I check her skin and its cold and I frantically check somewhere else to make sure its just the air from the window making it chilly. Those are the days when I see it, its in front of my eyes. I have a mom who wont be there anymore, wont be alive.
My uncle flew in from Florida last week to make sure a lot of the final arrangements were in order. It was nice to see him even though I knew why he was there. Especially nice because he seemed to just mostly be there to spend quality time, like he was squeezing in the extra that he didn't realize he hadn't put in on his last trips or over the time he knew she had cancer.
So after talking with my mom and discussing what would happen with my little sister Amy (the 16 year old), and talking over the options- My older sister has already taken in the 12 year old and has 3 young children of her own, my dad is disabled and cant hardly take care of himself in many ways, my younger sister already has a baby to take care of, and then I don't have a boyfriend even to speak of and I am the only child that is mostly active in the Mormon church. So I volunteered. Not for only those reasons, but because I really want to help my sister be able to see the life that she dreams, and have a life period. She wants to be a Librarian and go to BYU. Cause that's where she says all the RM's go. Lol. I don't think she has any idea of the work its going to take to get there, but I am going to try and help her with it. So I will be the guardian of a 16 year old, and sometimes I wonder if I have enough of a brain to handle myself, lol.
On a lighter note, I have gone on a fair amount of dates recently and started dating this amazing guy, who was just so so fun. Unfortunately, I had the feeling the relationship wasn't right, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how any guy I marry is going to have to be ok with me being a guardian of a teenager and helping with that too. So I ended things with the him, and I can kind of only hope, that if a guy like that isn't supposed to work out, maybe there is another amazing guy (that can handle me and all I have to deal with) somewhere out there for me.
I feel like I sound like I'm whining, but I mostly just have to look at everything in a simple and objective light to not fall apart sometimes. I have to say living in this house is nice, despite all of the cats, lol. It is so quiet some days, between my mother sleeping all the time and my sister shut up in her room, that I feel like I live alone sometimes. I'm grateful for my mom and how well she is handling things. She's amazing. She has such a lighthearted take on things most of the time. Like the fact that her eyes have started to see cross-eyed because her health is so bad. She said that when my siblings were going to try to take her to the Festival of Tulips that "one good thing about this is that instead of seeing 10,000 tulips, I get to see 50,000!" Lol. Ugh. She's awesome. I am trying to take on her attitude of optimism.
Well, thats enough complaining I guess for now. I have to go get my sister up since I've let her sleep 12 minutes more than I said, and I cant let her win. Lol. Jk.. Sort of.
Liz
Ps If anyone is having those 'You're such a good daughter' thoughts that I get when I tell people about my situation, please don't. I wish I had been better this whole time. I wish I had spent less time trying to distance myself from the situation and been more thoughtful and helpful. That hurts. Anyways. Gotta go. Happy Monday everyone!
Pps. Pray for me and my family. I'm realizing the importance of it even more. Thanks.
Ppps. Sorry for my whininess. I'll make this happier next time.. :)
My mom finally decided that she couldn't raise my little sisters anymore (it's been awhile now that she hasn't had the ability to do much, and a 12 and 16 year old aren't the best caregivers), and so my littlest sister Nikki and I switched houses and she is now being raised by my older sister and I am now living with my mother and TRYing to help my 16 year old sister. TRY being the keyword because, as of this moment, I am giving her another half hour to sleep because I think I have found my match for a stubborn personality. She has been in home schooling for a couple years now, and since she did not have someone to really enforce it, she mostly has just been sleeping in and reading books all day and having 'issues' with the computer program that is her home schooling. Heaven help me.
Several weeks ago my mom was told by her Doctor that she wasn't responding to Chemo anymore and with the water in her lungs and liver that constantly refills, they said they are giving her 2 to 3 months. To live.
I don't know why I've been so blind to the fact that this is coming, it still hasn't quite really hit me, it is pretty much just very surreal. Maybe its cause some days she seems so much better, but I know that is just because what energy she had that was sapped from the Chemo treatments is being returned. I don't want to think about it, and I think that's one reason I think I am "doing so well with it" some days. But the days where she just suddenly says "We need to talk about what make up I'll be wearing" or when I check in on her sleeping and I'm scared to think she might not be breathing, so I check, or when I check her skin and its cold and I frantically check somewhere else to make sure its just the air from the window making it chilly. Those are the days when I see it, its in front of my eyes. I have a mom who wont be there anymore, wont be alive.
My uncle flew in from Florida last week to make sure a lot of the final arrangements were in order. It was nice to see him even though I knew why he was there. Especially nice because he seemed to just mostly be there to spend quality time, like he was squeezing in the extra that he didn't realize he hadn't put in on his last trips or over the time he knew she had cancer.
So after talking with my mom and discussing what would happen with my little sister Amy (the 16 year old), and talking over the options- My older sister has already taken in the 12 year old and has 3 young children of her own, my dad is disabled and cant hardly take care of himself in many ways, my younger sister already has a baby to take care of, and then I don't have a boyfriend even to speak of and I am the only child that is mostly active in the Mormon church. So I volunteered. Not for only those reasons, but because I really want to help my sister be able to see the life that she dreams, and have a life period. She wants to be a Librarian and go to BYU. Cause that's where she says all the RM's go. Lol. I don't think she has any idea of the work its going to take to get there, but I am going to try and help her with it. So I will be the guardian of a 16 year old, and sometimes I wonder if I have enough of a brain to handle myself, lol.
On a lighter note, I have gone on a fair amount of dates recently and started dating this amazing guy, who was just so so fun. Unfortunately, I had the feeling the relationship wasn't right, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking about how any guy I marry is going to have to be ok with me being a guardian of a teenager and helping with that too. So I ended things with the him, and I can kind of only hope, that if a guy like that isn't supposed to work out, maybe there is another amazing guy (that can handle me and all I have to deal with) somewhere out there for me.
I feel like I sound like I'm whining, but I mostly just have to look at everything in a simple and objective light to not fall apart sometimes. I have to say living in this house is nice, despite all of the cats, lol. It is so quiet some days, between my mother sleeping all the time and my sister shut up in her room, that I feel like I live alone sometimes. I'm grateful for my mom and how well she is handling things. She's amazing. She has such a lighthearted take on things most of the time. Like the fact that her eyes have started to see cross-eyed because her health is so bad. She said that when my siblings were going to try to take her to the Festival of Tulips that "one good thing about this is that instead of seeing 10,000 tulips, I get to see 50,000!" Lol. Ugh. She's awesome. I am trying to take on her attitude of optimism.
Well, thats enough complaining I guess for now. I have to go get my sister up since I've let her sleep 12 minutes more than I said, and I cant let her win. Lol. Jk.. Sort of.
Liz
Ps If anyone is having those 'You're such a good daughter' thoughts that I get when I tell people about my situation, please don't. I wish I had been better this whole time. I wish I had spent less time trying to distance myself from the situation and been more thoughtful and helpful. That hurts. Anyways. Gotta go. Happy Monday everyone!
Pps. Pray for me and my family. I'm realizing the importance of it even more. Thanks.
Ppps. Sorry for my whininess. I'll make this happier next time.. :)
Friday, February 3, 2012
Blogalicious.
So I am helping mom house hunt. It all started when I said I was looking to buy a house myself (I know I'm crazy, the fact has been all but notorized). Then I told my mom about it, and she thought that it might be a good idea for her to change up her living situation as well, since she figured the idea of coming in and trying to raise my sisters and fixing up her little house after she passes would be a chore too much to ask for. So here I am a house hunting. Its kind of fun house shopping for someone else, I love these kinds of things. Something that isn't split level entry, has at least 4 rooms, less than a $???, open living area, most everything accessible on the main floor. We've been to one house already and that trip was atrocious. Trying to wheel my mom around in the house and her trying to walk down the stairs and such. Its too much to ask for. So now... dun dun dun.. I have decided for my sisters and I to try to do house visits by Skype. If thats at all possible. I just got a new smart phone (but she doesnt have one, has a laptop tho) and I'm thinking of just walking around the house doing that. But i'm so technology handicapped that I'm not sure how I'll do it. I'd be perfectly happy to get any advice on the matter.. Maybe a free lunch for anyone who wants to walk me through it? Pretty please??
Testimony is still a struggle. It would help if I wasn't sick the past 2 weeks and couldnt (or didnt want to) make it to church. I'm trying. But its hard when you struggle with wanting to go merely by faith. And when there are certain logics. And if we are going to by-pass those logics, then what is to say that any other religions that by-passes those logics couldn't be correct either? It's all very hard for me, but the one thing mostly that ties me in is that the feeling is good. My life is better when I live the 'Gospel', I know that, I can feel that, and at least, I have a testimony of that. So I'm still trying. :)
I met a new friend, his name is Doug. And he's pretty stellar. I went and hung out with him and met his fam last night. Some people are so talented that it just blows your mind. He's one of those people. I feel like he's opened me up to some new ideas and possibilites, and I can't wait to hang out again and explore them even more. I need that right now. In a time where I feel like I'm treading vague waters, I need that light of inspiration in my life.
Something I learned: Life is a choice. You can choose mediocrity or you can wrestle the odds and, just per chance, come out on top.
Something I want to do: My friend asked me yesterday (after a long conversation that is too long to script out, so I'll just omit it for your most probable ADD-ness)what it is I want to do, so here was my reply (this is just a list of the things that were on my mind yesterday):
Go buy a house. Make a dress. Learn sign language. Learn Italian. Get a different second job. Learn to bake cakes. Find a way to be ok dating someone. Go ice skating. Make a music video. Travel the world and do a huge humanitarian project. Learn how to help people with addictions. Take a nap.
I at least did the last one. :) For about 5 hours actually.. I know. Take it when you can, right? Ok, well thats all for today, I hope you are having a splendid Friday and making the most of every moment. TGIF!
♥
Testimony is still a struggle. It would help if I wasn't sick the past 2 weeks and couldnt (or didnt want to) make it to church. I'm trying. But its hard when you struggle with wanting to go merely by faith. And when there are certain logics. And if we are going to by-pass those logics, then what is to say that any other religions that by-passes those logics couldn't be correct either? It's all very hard for me, but the one thing mostly that ties me in is that the feeling is good. My life is better when I live the 'Gospel', I know that, I can feel that, and at least, I have a testimony of that. So I'm still trying. :)
I met a new friend, his name is Doug. And he's pretty stellar. I went and hung out with him and met his fam last night. Some people are so talented that it just blows your mind. He's one of those people. I feel like he's opened me up to some new ideas and possibilites, and I can't wait to hang out again and explore them even more. I need that right now. In a time where I feel like I'm treading vague waters, I need that light of inspiration in my life.
(Sorry for my obnoxious laugh, he said something that made me crack up really bad right before this)
Something I learned: Life is a choice. You can choose mediocrity or you can wrestle the odds and, just per chance, come out on top.
Something I want to do: My friend asked me yesterday (after a long conversation that is too long to script out, so I'll just omit it for your most probable ADD-ness)what it is I want to do, so here was my reply (this is just a list of the things that were on my mind yesterday):
Go buy a house. Make a dress. Learn sign language. Learn Italian. Get a different second job. Learn to bake cakes. Find a way to be ok dating someone. Go ice skating. Make a music video. Travel the world and do a huge humanitarian project. Learn how to help people with addictions. Take a nap.
I at least did the last one. :) For about 5 hours actually.. I know. Take it when you can, right? Ok, well thats all for today, I hope you are having a splendid Friday and making the most of every moment. TGIF!
♥
Thursday, January 12, 2012
With Great Purpose in Heart
So I might change this up a bit. :) But first I'll start with updates, (cause I write this so rarely) my mom has gotten off the Red Devil chemo since even that isnt working. She's gotten alot worse, but I think prayers for her have kept her going steady even so. They are putting her on a new medicine which will kill her red blood cells and make her immune system plummet. So now I will be eyeing every coworker that has even the sniffles as if they carry they plague.. Lol. Don't worry I'll still be nice (in that don't-come-within-15-feet-of-me! type of way). I have started school again (AHHHHHHH!!), and have faith that I will do better at the whole working two jobs and taking 3 classes thing, since I wasnt the best at it last time. Oh, and I have to pay for it all on my own since working two jobs all of last year apparently un-qualifies me for Federal Grant money. Boo. Thankfully, I think I will have saved up enough by this week to not have to do a loan this semester. YAAAY!
So you want to hear something sad? Ok, you dont, but I'll say it anyways. So in my fashion design classes, every now and then there is a boy in the class who is usually accompinied by his very liberal girl friend. And everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE is talking, and its usually about boys. EVERYONE. Which means the boy is even talking about... well.. boys. And his boyfriend. And now that I am no longer going on a mission (well at least not for awhile til things get better, or.. much worse, with my mom) I have lost that very relaxed, 'I don't give a buffalo's nose' attitude about dating boys. I've mostly gotten over my heart being stuck in a blender and throttled about, and after 2 or more years of not having a REAL relationship, I kind of miss it, and (I'm CRINGING as I say this) may kinda sorta possibly, maybe, be sorta.. wanting one again. PHEW. I think I'm gonna puke. :) So anyways, the sad part is, I was kind of jealous of the gay classmate for having a boyfriend. Don't worry, even I think that sounds strange. :P
I may possibly have figured out something I can major in. HOORAY!! I was on facebook, and saw an ad for going to school to become an addiction counseler. Don't ask me why but this is something that whenever I saw a job for working in a Rehabilitation center, of any kind, I have always kind of wanted to try. They were always a job to be a watch person or whatever, but the idea of being around those people, and coming to understand and see if I could possibly help them has always been an interest to me (Although the big turn down is that it would be Uber depressing, and lets face it, I don't need more of that in my life). At the same time I saw an ad for learning to decorate cakes and looked at that too. SIGH. That's me. Undecisive. Actually, I wouldn't say so much indecisive as the fact that SO MANY things interest me. I LOVE to learn, it makes me happy. I would probably rather be a Jack of all trades and a Master at none, than the alternative. It makes me happy to know things, probably because I feel on the IQ scale (compared to my siblings) I got jipped, so I just love to know and understand many things. So, my objective? Look into majoring in something that could help me be an Addict counseler. If not I'll do PR. Don't ask me what I'll do with that. Oh, and I'm going to learn to decorate cakes. And I'm currently trying to learn Italian. 'La donna scrive'. Which brings me to my next part.
I'm going to make a list of things I've always wanted to do. One by One, a new one each post. :)
Oh and maybe a list of things I learned as well, random as they may be.
1) I have always wanted to ride atop a train. Preferably in a foreign country, but it doesnt have to be. Just sitting there cross legged, with the wind in my hair face towards the setting sun. And maybe attempting to stand up and pretend I'm surfing. Just for fun. So there, that's number one. Maybe someday. :)
Something I learned today: (this morning at 7 am on my way to work) I can sing higher if I use the back of my throat and maybe sing a little through my nose, which unfortunately makes me sound like a man, but I can switch it up for certain parts. Which would have been helpful to know in '06 when I did that beauty pageant and sang Opera.. Poor audience. :)
Well that's all for now folks!
"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart." -Gordon B. Hinckley
Love from a friend- Liz ♥
So you want to hear something sad? Ok, you dont, but I'll say it anyways. So in my fashion design classes, every now and then there is a boy in the class who is usually accompinied by his very liberal girl friend. And everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE is talking, and its usually about boys. EVERYONE. Which means the boy is even talking about... well.. boys. And his boyfriend. And now that I am no longer going on a mission (well at least not for awhile til things get better, or.. much worse, with my mom) I have lost that very relaxed, 'I don't give a buffalo's nose' attitude about dating boys. I've mostly gotten over my heart being stuck in a blender and throttled about, and after 2 or more years of not having a REAL relationship, I kind of miss it, and (I'm CRINGING as I say this) may kinda sorta possibly, maybe, be sorta.. wanting one again. PHEW. I think I'm gonna puke. :) So anyways, the sad part is, I was kind of jealous of the gay classmate for having a boyfriend. Don't worry, even I think that sounds strange. :P
I may possibly have figured out something I can major in. HOORAY!! I was on facebook, and saw an ad for going to school to become an addiction counseler. Don't ask me why but this is something that whenever I saw a job for working in a Rehabilitation center, of any kind, I have always kind of wanted to try. They were always a job to be a watch person or whatever, but the idea of being around those people, and coming to understand and see if I could possibly help them has always been an interest to me (Although the big turn down is that it would be Uber depressing, and lets face it, I don't need more of that in my life). At the same time I saw an ad for learning to decorate cakes and looked at that too. SIGH. That's me. Undecisive. Actually, I wouldn't say so much indecisive as the fact that SO MANY things interest me. I LOVE to learn, it makes me happy. I would probably rather be a Jack of all trades and a Master at none, than the alternative. It makes me happy to know things, probably because I feel on the IQ scale (compared to my siblings) I got jipped, so I just love to know and understand many things. So, my objective? Look into majoring in something that could help me be an Addict counseler. If not I'll do PR. Don't ask me what I'll do with that. Oh, and I'm going to learn to decorate cakes. And I'm currently trying to learn Italian. 'La donna scrive'. Which brings me to my next part.
I'm going to make a list of things I've always wanted to do. One by One, a new one each post. :)
Oh and maybe a list of things I learned as well, random as they may be.
1) I have always wanted to ride atop a train. Preferably in a foreign country, but it doesnt have to be. Just sitting there cross legged, with the wind in my hair face towards the setting sun. And maybe attempting to stand up and pretend I'm surfing. Just for fun. So there, that's number one. Maybe someday. :)
Something I learned today: (this morning at 7 am on my way to work) I can sing higher if I use the back of my throat and maybe sing a little through my nose, which unfortunately makes me sound like a man, but I can switch it up for certain parts. Which would have been helpful to know in '06 when I did that beauty pageant and sang Opera.. Poor audience. :)
Well that's all for now folks!
"Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great purpose in heart." -Gordon B. Hinckley
Love from a friend- Liz ♥
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
What a Weird, Wonderful World
So I suppose its been an eventful few weeks. Lets see, I guess I'll start with updates (I'm really bad at keeping up on this aren't I?) Well for starters, I'm not depressed as I was at my last post (Sorry about that), I'm not sure if its the new drugs, or that things seem to be going a little better, even if maybe they really aren't. Well, my mom is on Oxygen now, which sounds really bad, but I am thankful for it, because she feels like she can breathe now and is so much more comfortable and happy because of it. Also, after they realized that her lungs were filling up with water awfully fast after each surgery to drain them, they finally just went into put in ports on both sides of her lungs so that she can drain them herself everyday. Yea. :/ But its good. Although, now her liver area is filling up with water now too randomly, which has us a little worried. I don't really know where the water comes from, my mom has just told me that they said some types of cancer just cause these kinds of things to happen. :/ But she does seem to be feeling a little better, so I am happy with that at least. :)
I just got back from a trip to Florida for a wedding of one of my best friends. I got to be her Maid of Honor and I was so thrilled to be given that honor and be trusted to help out with the wedding and try to make it the best for her. I don't know if I did all my duties for that becuase I felt like I was doing so many things last minute! :/ But it was really fun and I got to meet some Fantastic! people and see some old ones again that I hadnt seen in awhile. :) Everyone was so wonderful and pulled together to make it what I think was a beautiful occasion, and quite honestly the couple had been through so much, that to just see them married and sealed was so beautiful I dont think it would have mattered what else happened, I was so happy for them. I feel a little bit like I could have used another vacation after that trip just to recover, but I feel so blessed and happy that I was able to go that I can't complain. :) Love it!! :)
My life is weird. I realized the other day (because my testimony had kind of taken a shot put recently in a downward sloping direction, although its gotten alot better I believe) that I dont really know what I am doing with myself. I said a prayer a few nights ago where I pretty much ran through a list of things I needed to understand and need help with. Mission?, housing, car (I need to try to find one to buy REALLY soon), guys?, mom, family, testimony, job change?, education?... Yea, I'm a bit unsure of things right now to say the least. But thankfully, I don't feel all crazy up in qualms about it at the moment. I'm Soo thankful for that. And I've had some interesting experiences the last couple days that may have helped cement my little faith steps in God and him knowing where I am going.
1- He has faith in me. I was laying awake the Monday night and was up way later than I usually like to let myself, around 12:30, and was starting to slip off to sleep with the usual thoughts drifting through my head when a thought came through of a coworker of mine. She is a very spiritual lady whom I love very dearly, but who is going through some unique and trying circumstances that will not end in this lifetime. I thought of her and then thought 'I should text her'. Its 12:30 at night peeps, I don't usually do those kinds of things, but I felt pretty confidently that it was something I should do. So I did. I texted her and told her that I had been thinking of her, that I loved her, and that I hoped things were going well. Well, I had a feeling there was a reason I needed to do that (I have been told when someone randomly pops in your head like that, you should give them a call or stop by, because it usually means they need it), and there was. It apparently happened to be PERFECT timing. It made me happier then a pig in mud to be able to be the answer to someone's prayer and help them, and to know that my Father trusted me enough to know that I would do it for him.
2- He hasn't forgotten me. -Randomly in the last couple days I've had my home teacher call me (they must have reorganized or been motivated by something 'cause I was told when I asked that it appeared the two I had were an inactive and a gentleman who appeared to be the 'unmotivated' type) and told me he heard I needed a blessing. The same night I also had a couple of girls in my ward drop by to visit and see if I was going to the FHE that night as well as just to see how I was doing. I didnt think about how much effort has been put forward to show that I'm remembered til now, but I am thankful that they have and to know that I still am. :)
3- He loves me. SOOO much. -So about 15 minutes ago (just before I started to write this) I got a phone call on my cell from a number I didnt know. I didnt feel like I should pick it up and so I let it keep ringing intending to let it go to Voicemail, until suddenly I felt like I should. The man on the other end asked if I was Liz, and after saying yes, he said his name and said this was a little awkward becuase he didnt know me, but that he had a strong impression that he should call me and tell me that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that he knows exactly what I am going through. ... Wow. What the heck? Umm, ok.. Cool. :) Yea. I dont know either.. But, my normally skeptical side let it slide and I got kind of teary eyed. I just thanked the man and hung up. Soo... maybe God just realizes that I am going to need some extra pushing these days, or the Cosmos are lining up in weird ways and random people are feeling like they need to do random things? Yea.. I guess they're not so random, so it's probably the first one. Yep, my Dad loves me. Oh and guess what? He's your Dad too.. And I'm pretty sure he must love you too. :)
♥ from a Friend- Liz :)
I just got back from a trip to Florida for a wedding of one of my best friends. I got to be her Maid of Honor and I was so thrilled to be given that honor and be trusted to help out with the wedding and try to make it the best for her. I don't know if I did all my duties for that becuase I felt like I was doing so many things last minute! :/ But it was really fun and I got to meet some Fantastic! people and see some old ones again that I hadnt seen in awhile. :) Everyone was so wonderful and pulled together to make it what I think was a beautiful occasion, and quite honestly the couple had been through so much, that to just see them married and sealed was so beautiful I dont think it would have mattered what else happened, I was so happy for them. I feel a little bit like I could have used another vacation after that trip just to recover, but I feel so blessed and happy that I was able to go that I can't complain. :) Love it!! :)
My life is weird. I realized the other day (because my testimony had kind of taken a shot put recently in a downward sloping direction, although its gotten alot better I believe) that I dont really know what I am doing with myself. I said a prayer a few nights ago where I pretty much ran through a list of things I needed to understand and need help with. Mission?, housing, car (I need to try to find one to buy REALLY soon), guys?, mom, family, testimony, job change?, education?... Yea, I'm a bit unsure of things right now to say the least. But thankfully, I don't feel all crazy up in qualms about it at the moment. I'm Soo thankful for that. And I've had some interesting experiences the last couple days that may have helped cement my little faith steps in God and him knowing where I am going.
1- He has faith in me. I was laying awake the Monday night and was up way later than I usually like to let myself, around 12:30, and was starting to slip off to sleep with the usual thoughts drifting through my head when a thought came through of a coworker of mine. She is a very spiritual lady whom I love very dearly, but who is going through some unique and trying circumstances that will not end in this lifetime. I thought of her and then thought 'I should text her'. Its 12:30 at night peeps, I don't usually do those kinds of things, but I felt pretty confidently that it was something I should do. So I did. I texted her and told her that I had been thinking of her, that I loved her, and that I hoped things were going well. Well, I had a feeling there was a reason I needed to do that (I have been told when someone randomly pops in your head like that, you should give them a call or stop by, because it usually means they need it), and there was. It apparently happened to be PERFECT timing. It made me happier then a pig in mud to be able to be the answer to someone's prayer and help them, and to know that my Father trusted me enough to know that I would do it for him.
2- He hasn't forgotten me. -Randomly in the last couple days I've had my home teacher call me (they must have reorganized or been motivated by something 'cause I was told when I asked that it appeared the two I had were an inactive and a gentleman who appeared to be the 'unmotivated' type) and told me he heard I needed a blessing. The same night I also had a couple of girls in my ward drop by to visit and see if I was going to the FHE that night as well as just to see how I was doing. I didnt think about how much effort has been put forward to show that I'm remembered til now, but I am thankful that they have and to know that I still am. :)
3- He loves me. SOOO much. -So about 15 minutes ago (just before I started to write this) I got a phone call on my cell from a number I didnt know. I didnt feel like I should pick it up and so I let it keep ringing intending to let it go to Voicemail, until suddenly I felt like I should. The man on the other end asked if I was Liz, and after saying yes, he said his name and said this was a little awkward becuase he didnt know me, but that he had a strong impression that he should call me and tell me that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that he knows exactly what I am going through. ... Wow. What the heck? Umm, ok.. Cool. :) Yea. I dont know either.. But, my normally skeptical side let it slide and I got kind of teary eyed. I just thanked the man and hung up. Soo... maybe God just realizes that I am going to need some extra pushing these days, or the Cosmos are lining up in weird ways and random people are feeling like they need to do random things? Yea.. I guess they're not so random, so it's probably the first one. Yep, my Dad loves me. Oh and guess what? He's your Dad too.. And I'm pretty sure he must love you too. :)
♥ from a Friend- Liz :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
'Greetings from Limbo'
Wow. Life happens.. well I guess its not going fast or slow at this point.. its just goin. My little updates:
*Mission papers were supposed to go in a week ago last Friday, but tada! I'm still here. Doctors had their little meeting and decided they wanted me to meet with the medical Doc again. Seems they're not quite convinced I don't need anti-anxiety meds. And its okay, cause after this last week and a half, I'm not sure I am either.
*Gave my number to a beautiful, apparently awesome boy. Boy called. As we were texting to set up a date later I decided I was totally stupid to give my number to him, cause I could actually like him and, well, I don't really want to set myself up for anymore mission roadblocks. (Not sure if that was my only reasoning or if my blatant fear of relationships and men had something to do with that as well.) Either way, I explained to him my thoughts and said that I thought it better that I pass. He was really cool and nice about it and I couldnt help feeling like I gave up a good one. But trials be trials..
*My momma is doing a (very) little better. She can breathe better now and the water seems to be filling up in her lungs slower? So that makes me somewhat happier although she has started making the 'When I die..' jokes that I try to choke down, but I am none to happy about them, and I am worried that its her way of saying things are much worse than shes letting on, since she's never been good at letting on anything about her cancer anyway.
*I'm off the strict diet for now, and I feel like its helped alot although it seems like the condition hasnt completely gone away, but at least its livable now. :)
There's lots more little things I'm sure, but they are less than important. Although maybe it would be good to update on the little things, cause then maybe I'd feel like something is happening in my life. Maybe I'll report on the runway show I did awhile back and post some pictures of my wicked red hair I had too. The trials and temptations seem to be popping up again more now that things have become more active again with the Mission papers. But I know that things will get better if I keep on pluggin along and strive to keep the Lord on my side. I guess I havent written in awhile cause I've felt like I've had nothin happy worth writin about. But I guess I thought I ought to say 'hey' and 'i'm alive!'. So here goes: 'Greetings from Limbo!' Hope to see you all in a better place here soon, or ya know, not be seeing you but still in a better place soon (mission mission mission!!). Loves- Liz
*Mission papers were supposed to go in a week ago last Friday, but tada! I'm still here. Doctors had their little meeting and decided they wanted me to meet with the medical Doc again. Seems they're not quite convinced I don't need anti-anxiety meds. And its okay, cause after this last week and a half, I'm not sure I am either.
*Gave my number to a beautiful, apparently awesome boy. Boy called. As we were texting to set up a date later I decided I was totally stupid to give my number to him, cause I could actually like him and, well, I don't really want to set myself up for anymore mission roadblocks. (Not sure if that was my only reasoning or if my blatant fear of relationships and men had something to do with that as well.) Either way, I explained to him my thoughts and said that I thought it better that I pass. He was really cool and nice about it and I couldnt help feeling like I gave up a good one. But trials be trials..
*My momma is doing a (very) little better. She can breathe better now and the water seems to be filling up in her lungs slower? So that makes me somewhat happier although she has started making the 'When I die..' jokes that I try to choke down, but I am none to happy about them, and I am worried that its her way of saying things are much worse than shes letting on, since she's never been good at letting on anything about her cancer anyway.
*I'm off the strict diet for now, and I feel like its helped alot although it seems like the condition hasnt completely gone away, but at least its livable now. :)
There's lots more little things I'm sure, but they are less than important. Although maybe it would be good to update on the little things, cause then maybe I'd feel like something is happening in my life. Maybe I'll report on the runway show I did awhile back and post some pictures of my wicked red hair I had too. The trials and temptations seem to be popping up again more now that things have become more active again with the Mission papers. But I know that things will get better if I keep on pluggin along and strive to keep the Lord on my side. I guess I havent written in awhile cause I've felt like I've had nothin happy worth writin about. But I guess I thought I ought to say 'hey' and 'i'm alive!'. So here goes: 'Greetings from Limbo!' Hope to see you all in a better place here soon, or ya know, not be seeing you but still in a better place soon (mission mission mission!!). Loves- Liz
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Happy Dance
So I'm not really sure what to say, but I feel really happy right now. Life has been interesting and challenging lately, but I think I have kind of liked it. Recently I figured out that I have Candida (its basically a bacteria overgrowth from being on too many antiobiotics, whatnot) and that pretty much the only cure was to change around my diet completely. And I mean completely. Apparently the bacteria likes things like sugar and carbs (which was pretty much my diet previously) and a diet like that can actually make the problem worse. Which was starting to cause my migraines, my intolerance to sugar, sluggishness, and brain fog. Can I tell you how happy I was to find out that I wasn't just an Idiot?! :D So I have started to go on this diet (as of early last week) and I have already noticed almost a 180 turn around. I still have alot of the problems, and apparently Candida is suuuuper hard and long to cure, but I can't tell you how amazing I have felt and how much of a change it has been for me. Ok, so let me tell you a little bit about the diet... Cause when I first read it, I thought it was simple enough, but after researching it more, I thought it was kind of a joke... Because, well, the list of things I CAN'T eat are longer than the list of things I CAN eat. Here goes-- NO sugar, NO dairy (except plain yogurt, and I drink almond or soy milk instead of cow), NO refined wheat, rice, yadayadayada (I can have buckwheat, brown and wild rice- all has to be gluten free), NO fruit (thats right.. Fruit. Too much sugar apparently, Although I cheat a little with pineapple cause the alkaline level is high enough it becomes kind of a catch 22... and PLEASE.. I'm not THAT strong!). I'm supposed to stay away from anything but free-range, organic meat (the antibiotics and hormones they put in animals can irritate the problem), NO processed food, certain kinds of nuts, or corn, potatoes, almost all vinegars, and absolutely NO yeast (which weirdly enough rules out alot of spice flavorings). Oh, and I'm supposed to stay away from microwaves. As in, don't heat up any food unless you want to use a skillet or an oven.
Needless to say, I have eaten a disgusting amount of raw vegetables, steak (which I am actually starting to get sick of, who would have thought?) chicken, seafood, and cold leftovers. All of this hasn't been so bad actually. I have to give my family super Kudos for being supportive and understanding, and even trying to find things I can eat. (It was almost comical going through the fridge and pantry trying to find things I can eat. Folks, look at your salad dressings- I dare you to find one that doesn't have sugar, dairy, or vinegar in any of them.) I love them so much, and I'm so greatful they are my family. My sister Katie is an angel, and one night I came home and she had even tried to make fajita's with whole wheat tortillas (which I'm not really supposed to eat, but it really can be so hard to remember with this dumb diet), but the whole ensemble was too sugary for me and I could tell it wasnt gonna be good for me so I couldnt finish it. But the fact that she tried really made my whole night, and I just lit up like a Christmas tree. The woman cooks for a housefull of people so to try to change things up for me in what would obviously be less appealing fashion for everyone else was such a sacrifice. I also have to give my friends props for not mocking me and being pretty understanding as well. I kind of figured that alot of them would think I was weird or that I was trying to do some extreme weightloss fad. I do NOT have enough willpower to skip out on as many chocolate covered donuts, chips, pasta salads, and dessert menus as I have just to shrink my reflection in the mirror.
After the initial 'I can do this!' and extreme optimism, which I am proud to say lasted at least a few days, and then reading a longer list of Don'ts and breaking down crying, and then having a friend build me back up again, I have to say I am actually starting to look at this as a challenge I should be greatful for. I did the same thing with my migraines, where I just told myself, its God's way of helping me to stay healthier by having to stay away from as much sugar. But apparently I didn't learn my lesson enough and I needed a little more guiding. (Hello. I'm a girl.. Do I need to tell you I like chocolate?) But it has actually been kind of fun to look online and find recipes or look for things that I actually CAN eat. Allrecipes.com has become my new favorite website and life link. I'm even planning on making my own recipe book of things I can eat. Oh, I think I forgot to mention that this isn't one of those diets that you just have to stay on for a few weeks. People who have Candida are often prone to getting it again, so you have to stay pretty close to the diet for the rest of your life. Yep. FOR-EV-ER. The good news is that after I get rid of the initial overgrowth I can start to eat a tiny bit of sugar and other things. But for the most part I will most likely be gluten-free and low sugar, low processed foods for the rest of my life. If I'm that strong. Which I hope I am. I don't want to be one of those stories I have read where the problem comes back and I have to do this again.
Ok, I have to mention that I did break down a little yesterday, so I'm not perfect.. It was my Dad's Birthday and we went to Red Lobster (I can eat most everything on their menu to my hearts content. Butter weirdly enough is actually allowed, and lemons are actually encouraged cause they are one of the few fruits that are initially acidic but change to an alkaline state in the body. I feel so smart right now. :)) And I have been taking this stuff that my dad gave me to help kill it, and I kneeew I might breakdown with those yummy, flakey, cheese biscuits they have there. So I let myself give in.. just a little. And then my dad had ordered a virgin strawberry daquiri that was delivered in a Martini glass that was a big enough size for a baby turtle to swim in and decided he wanted to show me how well the stuff he gave me could work. So I had some.. alot of some. And then I had some more biscuits.. and then some strawberry cheesecake.. And it was Amazing! But after even several sips of the daquiri I was starting to feel sick. My head was getting fuzzy, my stomach queesy, and some of the old symptoms were starting to flare up. So through trial and ERROR, I can say that this diet is really working for me. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn so many new things, about nutrition, greater willpower, the love of my family, a newfound desire to cook and help others feel better too, and that my Heeavenly Father loves me. Alot. This could change me for the rest of my life and help me to help others for the better. Which I love to do. So even though this may make things seriously hard for dating, my mission, my grocery budget, my family, and my willpower, I am thankful that I am being kicked in the butt to be healthier and given the opportunity to grow. I hope everyone can see the trials in there life as hidden blessings and take them as the opportunities to learn and grow that they are. I'm not excited for the future conversations I will have to have of explaining why I can't have this or that, but I am excited for the newfound freedom I'll have from my symptoms and the health that comes with it. And hey.. who says that smaller reflection isn't a great side-effect? :)
Hoping you have a great, sunny, WARM day. :)
P.s. A new tip I have found- If you want to make a salad dressing that is healthy and actually GOOD for you, try making yours from Plain Yogurt. Buy the Ranch packets in the store and just add it to the yogurt instead of Sour Cream. Tons less fat, lots of probiotics (good bacteria thats needed to fight the bad, and good for digestion) and it tastes almost exactly the same. (Greek yogurt is good if you like thicker dressing, and the yogurts can come in Fat-Free too. Bonus!!) :)
Needless to say, I have eaten a disgusting amount of raw vegetables, steak (which I am actually starting to get sick of, who would have thought?) chicken, seafood, and cold leftovers. All of this hasn't been so bad actually. I have to give my family super Kudos for being supportive and understanding, and even trying to find things I can eat. (It was almost comical going through the fridge and pantry trying to find things I can eat. Folks, look at your salad dressings- I dare you to find one that doesn't have sugar, dairy, or vinegar in any of them.) I love them so much, and I'm so greatful they are my family. My sister Katie is an angel, and one night I came home and she had even tried to make fajita's with whole wheat tortillas (which I'm not really supposed to eat, but it really can be so hard to remember with this dumb diet), but the whole ensemble was too sugary for me and I could tell it wasnt gonna be good for me so I couldnt finish it. But the fact that she tried really made my whole night, and I just lit up like a Christmas tree. The woman cooks for a housefull of people so to try to change things up for me in what would obviously be less appealing fashion for everyone else was such a sacrifice. I also have to give my friends props for not mocking me and being pretty understanding as well. I kind of figured that alot of them would think I was weird or that I was trying to do some extreme weightloss fad. I do NOT have enough willpower to skip out on as many chocolate covered donuts, chips, pasta salads, and dessert menus as I have just to shrink my reflection in the mirror.
After the initial 'I can do this!' and extreme optimism, which I am proud to say lasted at least a few days, and then reading a longer list of Don'ts and breaking down crying, and then having a friend build me back up again, I have to say I am actually starting to look at this as a challenge I should be greatful for. I did the same thing with my migraines, where I just told myself, its God's way of helping me to stay healthier by having to stay away from as much sugar. But apparently I didn't learn my lesson enough and I needed a little more guiding. (Hello. I'm a girl.. Do I need to tell you I like chocolate?) But it has actually been kind of fun to look online and find recipes or look for things that I actually CAN eat. Allrecipes.com has become my new favorite website and life link. I'm even planning on making my own recipe book of things I can eat. Oh, I think I forgot to mention that this isn't one of those diets that you just have to stay on for a few weeks. People who have Candida are often prone to getting it again, so you have to stay pretty close to the diet for the rest of your life. Yep. FOR-EV-ER. The good news is that after I get rid of the initial overgrowth I can start to eat a tiny bit of sugar and other things. But for the most part I will most likely be gluten-free and low sugar, low processed foods for the rest of my life. If I'm that strong. Which I hope I am. I don't want to be one of those stories I have read where the problem comes back and I have to do this again.
Ok, I have to mention that I did break down a little yesterday, so I'm not perfect.. It was my Dad's Birthday and we went to Red Lobster (I can eat most everything on their menu to my hearts content. Butter weirdly enough is actually allowed, and lemons are actually encouraged cause they are one of the few fruits that are initially acidic but change to an alkaline state in the body. I feel so smart right now. :)) And I have been taking this stuff that my dad gave me to help kill it, and I kneeew I might breakdown with those yummy, flakey, cheese biscuits they have there. So I let myself give in.. just a little. And then my dad had ordered a virgin strawberry daquiri that was delivered in a Martini glass that was a big enough size for a baby turtle to swim in and decided he wanted to show me how well the stuff he gave me could work. So I had some.. alot of some. And then I had some more biscuits.. and then some strawberry cheesecake.. And it was Amazing! But after even several sips of the daquiri I was starting to feel sick. My head was getting fuzzy, my stomach queesy, and some of the old symptoms were starting to flare up. So through trial and ERROR, I can say that this diet is really working for me. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn so many new things, about nutrition, greater willpower, the love of my family, a newfound desire to cook and help others feel better too, and that my Heeavenly Father loves me. Alot. This could change me for the rest of my life and help me to help others for the better. Which I love to do. So even though this may make things seriously hard for dating, my mission, my grocery budget, my family, and my willpower, I am thankful that I am being kicked in the butt to be healthier and given the opportunity to grow. I hope everyone can see the trials in there life as hidden blessings and take them as the opportunities to learn and grow that they are. I'm not excited for the future conversations I will have to have of explaining why I can't have this or that, but I am excited for the newfound freedom I'll have from my symptoms and the health that comes with it. And hey.. who says that smaller reflection isn't a great side-effect? :)
Hoping you have a great, sunny, WARM day. :)
P.s. A new tip I have found- If you want to make a salad dressing that is healthy and actually GOOD for you, try making yours from Plain Yogurt. Buy the Ranch packets in the store and just add it to the yogurt instead of Sour Cream. Tons less fat, lots of probiotics (good bacteria thats needed to fight the bad, and good for digestion) and it tastes almost exactly the same. (Greek yogurt is good if you like thicker dressing, and the yogurts can come in Fat-Free too. Bonus!!) :)
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