Monday, January 27, 2020
Body memory work
So I started talking to Shad today about how come he seems to be getting a lot of working lately, and he expressed this: ‘I have always wanted money so that I can feel safe and secure. When I had money I would still worry about when I wouldn't have anymore. I healed the piece around not feeling safe and secure an now it's starting to flow in with out me even trying. I have always chased money away in the past because of the neediness I had towards it.’ It made We think about the work Ryan and I each did with Wendeya and how I felt safe in my body for the first time afterwards. I feel like I don’t have a blockage towards money and earning it now and I think that what Shad said is exactly why. I’m excited to see what’s in store and what I can create. It also makes me really wish the same feeling and breakthroughs for my sisters, especially Katie.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
You're only as sick as your Secret
Disclaimer- This is an incredibly vulnerable post with some sexually explicit material-
Last night, I watched Oprah's Leaving Neverland special about the recent documentary of two victims of Michael Jackson's sexual abuse that had finally spoken out. The director stated 'You're only as sick as your secret.' That really hit me. I've been working with a healer for the last 8 months and she said when I came out about being a victim of sexual abuse on Facebook that she was hoping I would do that. The truth is, I'm afraid. I don't want people to know. Its not that I carry so much shame about the fact that I'm a victim, but instead the circumstances around it. I've wondered if sharing my secret with others besides my very closest confidants might support me in letting go of this fear- Somehow free me, like it has them..
So here goes- I'll tell you my story. its pretty candid, so I'll warn you now.
Ever since I can remember I've been a highly charged sexual being, like my barbies were having sex at 8. Being raised in a 'devout' Mormon family, I was NEVER permitted to watch PG-13 movies until I literally hit 13, so how would I know to make my barbies have sex- or what it even was?
I'll share some stories to lead up to it. When I was 12, I came home to find my father in handcuffs outside speaking to the police. I ran inside to find out what happened. My brother had been beaten with a belt and the police had cameras taking pictures of my brothers bruises. While this seemed shocking, the only shocking thing about it was that the police where there. Being beaten wasn't uncommon, I suppose seeing bruises was new. My dad never beat us so that marks would stay as far as I could remember. The next week social services came, sat me and my then 5 brothers and sisters down on a couch and talked to us. They asked questions, we had answers. My 7-months-pregnant mother sat next to the interviewer, who was across from us, with a completely appalled look on her face. She was the breadwinner. I remember her gone often until evening for work, whilst my dad stayed 'working on his business' from home. The conversation ended with the man saying 'Sounds like physical, emotional and mental abuse.'
Abuse?
What?
Questions flitted through my mind and the attention hungry (Oh- the neglect was real in my house- like, we brushed our teeth every few months real) dramatic part of me then wanted to sensationalize it in my mind, because part of me didn't believe the label was true. The interesting thing about abuse, is although it may be obvious to others who haven't experienced it, when you're in it, it doesn't seem abnormal. A fish growing up in dirty water, doesn't know the water's not clean. But after the man left, my mother asked us if we wanted her to divorce my dad. The answer was a resounding YES! She looked shocked and said she only stayed together with him for us. Years later that statement would break my heart as I came across a surreal letter to her divorce lawyer of the abuse, manipulation, and rape she received from my dad.
That story is simply to show how it took me some time to discover what I came to understand now with other abuse. The last 8 months taught me that I spent much of my childhood and life in a fantasy, dreaming of being saved, getting the love and attention I needed, and consequently self sabotaging to constantly be in need of help to fulfill that deep subconscious desire.
Now on to the sexual abuse- 5 years ago I was nearly engaged. His name was Bronson and his only real flaw in my opinion was his attachment to Super Heroes and his innate need to always be saving others, ironically. I knew he was the one for me but I felt like he was too good for me, and of course, was terrified of the idea of commitment after my parents marriage, so I sabotaged it. I started my healing shortly after when I hit ground zero. Like, the bottles were in my hand and if my sister hadn't walked in the room, I don't know if I would be here- Zero. I asked her to take me to the hospital to see what the options were to check myself into a mental hospital- and I was serious. They told me it would be more cost effective to do out-patient therapy and so the next day I reached out to the therapist I'd been seeing rarely and we began to make sessions every day, occasionally twice a day, for the next several weeks.
He saved my life- and got me to where I didn't want to take it- but this is also where I discovered something may have happened in my childhood I wasn't aware of. I began to share with him some things I'd noticed about my early age understanding of sex, how I had felt like I had somewhat of an addiction at one point (I felt a compulsion to be physical with men to feel love- even when I didn't want to be physical), and a panic attack that I realized didn't make any sense. I had the attack when I was 21, in college, and was under a lot of mental strain. I had been bathing and had a strange fear that my father was going to get to my private parts. I honestly felt mentally disturbed and terrified and wanted to check myself into a hospital then too. My whole life I've felt like there was a shadow over it, like something that I wasn't aware of was there, and it was in my face but nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to get an inkling of what it was. That therapist along with others would tell me more likely than not I was a victim of sexual abuse.
I had no memory though- simply uncomfortable vibes and experiences that made me believe there was more to my dad than I knew. I'd heard stories, of how my aunt had a restraining order from him because she woke up to him masturbating while watching her sleep, or how most of my extended family seemed to hold something against him, how he put his hand on my knee and somehow it triggered me when I was on a trip alone with him around the time I was going through puberty. But I didn't KNOW if something really happened. It all felt like conjecture and a small part of me felt guilty for wanting to believe it was true, as if I was making him out to be more of a demon than he really is.
2 years ago after starting on the road to healing from childhood, I had the most amazing visiting teacher in Los Angeles. (Visiting teachers are like a friend who checks in on you monthly- every woman in the Mormon church at the time had two). She was the most authentic, loving, friendly and empowering person I'd met and I wanted to know her secret. Then one day in class I sat next to her and asked how she learned to love herself. She told me she had taken a Transformational Training and after some self-sabotaging from me and gentle nudging from her, I decided to go.
This is where I broke.
The first training was great and made me realize, I honestly was still so stuck in the survival mode of my past and so I wanted more. I knew the next course was intense and spoke to my Coach from the first one as she knew my trauma from the past. I was triggered by simple things from my father's abuse in the first one, so I asked if she thought it was something I could handle. She said she had very similar trauma and I could do it. This, I believe, is where faith comes in- because what happened next could probably have made anyone want to lash out, leave the training, blame it for triggering them, and never move forward. But I had SO MUCH f'ing faith in God, the Universe, that despite it, I stuck in there, which is why I am here and the most healed I've felt now.
In the next course, we were led into a guided meditation to help us see things in our past that we were still holding onto and help us to let it go. Except, I didn't realize there was stuff there I hadn't seen before. There was a part during the meditation, where it felt like I was in the mud of my past and somehow, I just knew what happened to me when I was a child, and I felt like it almost was happening again. Needless to say I found myself curled up in the fetal position and screaming 'Don't touch me!' to my father in my deep state. I was simply terrified and so so hurt. I came out of it and found myself in a state of being that felt like how I remembered feeling when I was 10. Walking around in a fugue state and barely being able to function like the person I was before. I suddenly knew what I didn't know before. No memory was there of the event(s). But I knew. One of my sisters later went through the program and after going through a similar meditation asked me if something had come up for me during it when I had done it (most people don't have this kind of experience), I told her yes and what, and she said the same realization came up for her.
Flash forward to several months ago when I came across a billboard in Utah about preventing sexual abuse and I decided to visit the website mentioned. I found it incredibly informative and it made me see how my siblings and I were easy targets for predatory advances from others later in my childhood. I had been wanting to be brave and share my scars somewhere, so I thought this might be a helpful leeway as I wanted to share the information to prevent others from dealing with the same thing. I posted on Facebook, simply stating I was a victim and found the information helpful and imperative to parents of young children. What happened next found me when I was finally ready. A cousin wrote on my post stating that she was sorry and that we we're all in that same boat. I was flabbergasted, but in the same moment, 100% not surprised. I felt like I knew what she was going to say, part of me knew all along, so I reached out to her directly and asked what she meant. Over the course of a lengthy and detailed conversation my father's dark past began to unfold. As I write this, I'm struck with a sense of betrayal. I remember a time when I was at my Grandparents on my fathers side- my Grandpa had been getting violent with one of my aunts (my dad is the oldest of 11 kids) and I asked my Grandma if we should call the police. She looked alarmed, and said 'No, we don't call the Police. It's none of their business.' Things were never shared in my family. My Grandma taught me how to cut my food with a fork and knife like a lady, and I lived in a juxtaposition of feeling like we were meant to be high-class, but yet I felt like we were trash.
My Grandpa was a rapist and child molester. He was molested by his Step-Father. He molested my Father. And my aunts and uncles. None of them said it. No one said it to me before. My cousin told me this and began to share how she was not just my cousin, but my aunt. Her mother, my aunt, was raped by Grandpa. And that's where she came from. She was abused by my Grandpa as well, and my uncle. Once brutally attacked when she resisted. It makes sense because I've always thought she looked like the spitting image of my Grandpa when he was young. She said my Grandma used to say to her, 'You were meant to be MY child, my last child.' You can see now- the Shadow. But that's not all. My Dad did the same thing to cousins, aunts, and us. I don't remember brutal attacks and I've had an intuitive healer share it happened to me when I was 3. I think it happened multiple times, because my fears of it happening are surrounded by more than one triggering situation. But I want you to know, I'm not him. I think that's my biggest FEAR. That people will associate me with him. He's not my father. I wont claim him. In fact, I don't talk to him. He still tries to manipulate us. Tell us we're sinners, preach to us and say we need to listen to him, all the while denying he's done any wrong. Ya know, he would say every so often though, out of the blue, with deep remorse, 'Im so sorry. I'm so so sorry.' I always thought he meant for all the other things, and thought it strange that he would apologize when we were all aware what he did. But now I know, he meant taking my childhood. My sexual purity. There's so much more to him that I could say, but this, this is the story I needed to tell. I'm praying this gives me some freedom- I think it already has.
Last night, I watched Oprah's Leaving Neverland special about the recent documentary of two victims of Michael Jackson's sexual abuse that had finally spoken out. The director stated 'You're only as sick as your secret.' That really hit me. I've been working with a healer for the last 8 months and she said when I came out about being a victim of sexual abuse on Facebook that she was hoping I would do that. The truth is, I'm afraid. I don't want people to know. Its not that I carry so much shame about the fact that I'm a victim, but instead the circumstances around it. I've wondered if sharing my secret with others besides my very closest confidants might support me in letting go of this fear- Somehow free me, like it has them..
So here goes- I'll tell you my story. its pretty candid, so I'll warn you now.
Ever since I can remember I've been a highly charged sexual being, like my barbies were having sex at 8. Being raised in a 'devout' Mormon family, I was NEVER permitted to watch PG-13 movies until I literally hit 13, so how would I know to make my barbies have sex- or what it even was?
I'll share some stories to lead up to it. When I was 12, I came home to find my father in handcuffs outside speaking to the police. I ran inside to find out what happened. My brother had been beaten with a belt and the police had cameras taking pictures of my brothers bruises. While this seemed shocking, the only shocking thing about it was that the police where there. Being beaten wasn't uncommon, I suppose seeing bruises was new. My dad never beat us so that marks would stay as far as I could remember. The next week social services came, sat me and my then 5 brothers and sisters down on a couch and talked to us. They asked questions, we had answers. My 7-months-pregnant mother sat next to the interviewer, who was across from us, with a completely appalled look on her face. She was the breadwinner. I remember her gone often until evening for work, whilst my dad stayed 'working on his business' from home. The conversation ended with the man saying 'Sounds like physical, emotional and mental abuse.'
Abuse?
What?
Questions flitted through my mind and the attention hungry (Oh- the neglect was real in my house- like, we brushed our teeth every few months real) dramatic part of me then wanted to sensationalize it in my mind, because part of me didn't believe the label was true. The interesting thing about abuse, is although it may be obvious to others who haven't experienced it, when you're in it, it doesn't seem abnormal. A fish growing up in dirty water, doesn't know the water's not clean. But after the man left, my mother asked us if we wanted her to divorce my dad. The answer was a resounding YES! She looked shocked and said she only stayed together with him for us. Years later that statement would break my heart as I came across a surreal letter to her divorce lawyer of the abuse, manipulation, and rape she received from my dad.
That story is simply to show how it took me some time to discover what I came to understand now with other abuse. The last 8 months taught me that I spent much of my childhood and life in a fantasy, dreaming of being saved, getting the love and attention I needed, and consequently self sabotaging to constantly be in need of help to fulfill that deep subconscious desire.
Now on to the sexual abuse- 5 years ago I was nearly engaged. His name was Bronson and his only real flaw in my opinion was his attachment to Super Heroes and his innate need to always be saving others, ironically. I knew he was the one for me but I felt like he was too good for me, and of course, was terrified of the idea of commitment after my parents marriage, so I sabotaged it. I started my healing shortly after when I hit ground zero. Like, the bottles were in my hand and if my sister hadn't walked in the room, I don't know if I would be here- Zero. I asked her to take me to the hospital to see what the options were to check myself into a mental hospital- and I was serious. They told me it would be more cost effective to do out-patient therapy and so the next day I reached out to the therapist I'd been seeing rarely and we began to make sessions every day, occasionally twice a day, for the next several weeks.
He saved my life- and got me to where I didn't want to take it- but this is also where I discovered something may have happened in my childhood I wasn't aware of. I began to share with him some things I'd noticed about my early age understanding of sex, how I had felt like I had somewhat of an addiction at one point (I felt a compulsion to be physical with men to feel love- even when I didn't want to be physical), and a panic attack that I realized didn't make any sense. I had the attack when I was 21, in college, and was under a lot of mental strain. I had been bathing and had a strange fear that my father was going to get to my private parts. I honestly felt mentally disturbed and terrified and wanted to check myself into a hospital then too. My whole life I've felt like there was a shadow over it, like something that I wasn't aware of was there, and it was in my face but nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to get an inkling of what it was. That therapist along with others would tell me more likely than not I was a victim of sexual abuse.
I had no memory though- simply uncomfortable vibes and experiences that made me believe there was more to my dad than I knew. I'd heard stories, of how my aunt had a restraining order from him because she woke up to him masturbating while watching her sleep, or how most of my extended family seemed to hold something against him, how he put his hand on my knee and somehow it triggered me when I was on a trip alone with him around the time I was going through puberty. But I didn't KNOW if something really happened. It all felt like conjecture and a small part of me felt guilty for wanting to believe it was true, as if I was making him out to be more of a demon than he really is.
2 years ago after starting on the road to healing from childhood, I had the most amazing visiting teacher in Los Angeles. (Visiting teachers are like a friend who checks in on you monthly- every woman in the Mormon church at the time had two). She was the most authentic, loving, friendly and empowering person I'd met and I wanted to know her secret. Then one day in class I sat next to her and asked how she learned to love herself. She told me she had taken a Transformational Training and after some self-sabotaging from me and gentle nudging from her, I decided to go.
This is where I broke.
The first training was great and made me realize, I honestly was still so stuck in the survival mode of my past and so I wanted more. I knew the next course was intense and spoke to my Coach from the first one as she knew my trauma from the past. I was triggered by simple things from my father's abuse in the first one, so I asked if she thought it was something I could handle. She said she had very similar trauma and I could do it. This, I believe, is where faith comes in- because what happened next could probably have made anyone want to lash out, leave the training, blame it for triggering them, and never move forward. But I had SO MUCH f'ing faith in God, the Universe, that despite it, I stuck in there, which is why I am here and the most healed I've felt now.
In the next course, we were led into a guided meditation to help us see things in our past that we were still holding onto and help us to let it go. Except, I didn't realize there was stuff there I hadn't seen before. There was a part during the meditation, where it felt like I was in the mud of my past and somehow, I just knew what happened to me when I was a child, and I felt like it almost was happening again. Needless to say I found myself curled up in the fetal position and screaming 'Don't touch me!' to my father in my deep state. I was simply terrified and so so hurt. I came out of it and found myself in a state of being that felt like how I remembered feeling when I was 10. Walking around in a fugue state and barely being able to function like the person I was before. I suddenly knew what I didn't know before. No memory was there of the event(s). But I knew. One of my sisters later went through the program and after going through a similar meditation asked me if something had come up for me during it when I had done it (most people don't have this kind of experience), I told her yes and what, and she said the same realization came up for her.
Flash forward to several months ago when I came across a billboard in Utah about preventing sexual abuse and I decided to visit the website mentioned. I found it incredibly informative and it made me see how my siblings and I were easy targets for predatory advances from others later in my childhood. I had been wanting to be brave and share my scars somewhere, so I thought this might be a helpful leeway as I wanted to share the information to prevent others from dealing with the same thing. I posted on Facebook, simply stating I was a victim and found the information helpful and imperative to parents of young children. What happened next found me when I was finally ready. A cousin wrote on my post stating that she was sorry and that we we're all in that same boat. I was flabbergasted, but in the same moment, 100% not surprised. I felt like I knew what she was going to say, part of me knew all along, so I reached out to her directly and asked what she meant. Over the course of a lengthy and detailed conversation my father's dark past began to unfold. As I write this, I'm struck with a sense of betrayal. I remember a time when I was at my Grandparents on my fathers side- my Grandpa had been getting violent with one of my aunts (my dad is the oldest of 11 kids) and I asked my Grandma if we should call the police. She looked alarmed, and said 'No, we don't call the Police. It's none of their business.' Things were never shared in my family. My Grandma taught me how to cut my food with a fork and knife like a lady, and I lived in a juxtaposition of feeling like we were meant to be high-class, but yet I felt like we were trash.
My Grandpa was a rapist and child molester. He was molested by his Step-Father. He molested my Father. And my aunts and uncles. None of them said it. No one said it to me before. My cousin told me this and began to share how she was not just my cousin, but my aunt. Her mother, my aunt, was raped by Grandpa. And that's where she came from. She was abused by my Grandpa as well, and my uncle. Once brutally attacked when she resisted. It makes sense because I've always thought she looked like the spitting image of my Grandpa when he was young. She said my Grandma used to say to her, 'You were meant to be MY child, my last child.' You can see now- the Shadow. But that's not all. My Dad did the same thing to cousins, aunts, and us. I don't remember brutal attacks and I've had an intuitive healer share it happened to me when I was 3. I think it happened multiple times, because my fears of it happening are surrounded by more than one triggering situation. But I want you to know, I'm not him. I think that's my biggest FEAR. That people will associate me with him. He's not my father. I wont claim him. In fact, I don't talk to him. He still tries to manipulate us. Tell us we're sinners, preach to us and say we need to listen to him, all the while denying he's done any wrong. Ya know, he would say every so often though, out of the blue, with deep remorse, 'Im so sorry. I'm so so sorry.' I always thought he meant for all the other things, and thought it strange that he would apologize when we were all aware what he did. But now I know, he meant taking my childhood. My sexual purity. There's so much more to him that I could say, but this, this is the story I needed to tell. I'm praying this gives me some freedom- I think it already has.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Hello, My name is Liz and I'm an addict.
I've been really struggling lately with my sugar cravings. I think it stems from the fact that for more than a few reasons I'm not supposed to have it. And just like reverse psychology dictates, it makes me somehow just want it MORE. I tell myself 'Liz, you shouldn't eat that because your paying a nutritionist to tell you your macronutrients for weight loss and it definitely isn't gonna allow for that much wiggle room. Liz, it's not something you should eat because you have issues with sugar affecting your processes in your body- thinking, attention, headaches, nausea, etc etc'. So I tell myself no and what does my psyche say? ' Lizzz darling, you can handle it just this ONE time. You don't need to be on a diet right now, auditions aren't for a week. If you don't eat TOO much sugar, you can just start again tomorrow. Chug that water missy cause a headaches comin' and so is another brownie..' Yea, my psyche can be very persuasive. Conniving little bugger. And I don't live in a place now that makes it easy, my roommates constantly bake and make heavily processed or heavy foods that are not only offered to me, but obviously delicious, so it's hard to say no.
Well, I've caught myself in another cycle of this thinking again to the dangerous point where I say I'll start again tomorrow, eat to my hearts content and then don't start again tomorrow; only getting worse each time, assuming it's going to end soon and I have to live it up now before I go military style on my own booty. As we speak I'm literally nauseous from overeating sugary treats today. I've been praying the last several days for an answer of what to do and just now I think I've sort of received it:
Every day I have to live it moment by moment. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this and tell myself, 'If you can just get through this moment you'll be ok. If you can just get through today that's it. You're done.' And then repeat. Because I.... Am an addict. I hate to admit that. It's shamefully weak in my mind and your probably thinking how ridiculous it is to be addicted to sugar, but I promise you it's not hard, and I bet if you introspectively check yourself out from a third person perspective, you might notice something you can't seem to go without as well. Try taking that thing away now. TRY. Is it hard? Do you want to throw it all away and just keep that thing that's your weakness? Aha..... WEAKNESS. There's your kicker. And my kicker.. I realized awhile ago that sugar can't be something I give into just because it's not a taboo substance. Yes. It's not alcohol. It's not meth. It's not porn. It's not cigarettes or gambling or video games or whatever else is keeping loads of people from their exponential growth. But it's a weakness. And it's MY weakness. God said 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble' and that if they humble themselves and have faith in him, he will make weak things become strong.
So I've come to the realization that this is my weakness and that it was given to me to show God If I am willing to grow. That I MUST use it to humble myself and build a relationship with him and rely on him the best that I know to overcome it. I will not give in forever. Sometimes I meet people who have an addiction to Diet Coke, or whatever and they say to me that they have this addiction and that they are reliant open it. That they can't and won't give up and they make it almost a joke. Like it's their life blood. Their source of all that is in them.Well if that's the case.. How can God become your life blood?
Aren't you giving in to the wrong side if you do? The one that cares for you so little that he'd rather see you crushed than thriving? God simply cannot work upon you if you give in and tell yourself that you can't. You CAN, and you must. Because we are not only humans; We are the offspring of a God. How AMAZING is that? So if you're struggling with something, don't just say I can't. You can. You can with the help of a God (and that is not to be taken lightly) who loves you. And will do anything to HELP. YOU. when you humble yourself and have FAITH.
So I am not a weakling. I was born for greater. I will struggle with this STUPID, silly, ridiculous trial for a while, I'm sure. Maybe my whole life. But I know it's here to HELP me. And so I'll be a fighter.
Candy. Crush. ;)
Well, I've caught myself in another cycle of this thinking again to the dangerous point where I say I'll start again tomorrow, eat to my hearts content and then don't start again tomorrow; only getting worse each time, assuming it's going to end soon and I have to live it up now before I go military style on my own booty. As we speak I'm literally nauseous from overeating sugary treats today. I've been praying the last several days for an answer of what to do and just now I think I've sort of received it:
Every day I have to live it moment by moment. I have to remind myself why I'm doing this and tell myself, 'If you can just get through this moment you'll be ok. If you can just get through today that's it. You're done.' And then repeat. Because I.... Am an addict. I hate to admit that. It's shamefully weak in my mind and your probably thinking how ridiculous it is to be addicted to sugar, but I promise you it's not hard, and I bet if you introspectively check yourself out from a third person perspective, you might notice something you can't seem to go without as well. Try taking that thing away now. TRY. Is it hard? Do you want to throw it all away and just keep that thing that's your weakness? Aha..... WEAKNESS. There's your kicker. And my kicker.. I realized awhile ago that sugar can't be something I give into just because it's not a taboo substance. Yes. It's not alcohol. It's not meth. It's not porn. It's not cigarettes or gambling or video games or whatever else is keeping loads of people from their exponential growth. But it's a weakness. And it's MY weakness. God said 'I give unto men weakness that they may be humble' and that if they humble themselves and have faith in him, he will make weak things become strong.
So I've come to the realization that this is my weakness and that it was given to me to show God If I am willing to grow. That I MUST use it to humble myself and build a relationship with him and rely on him the best that I know to overcome it. I will not give in forever. Sometimes I meet people who have an addiction to Diet Coke, or whatever and they say to me that they have this addiction and that they are reliant open it. That they can't and won't give up and they make it almost a joke. Like it's their life blood. Their source of all that is in them.Well if that's the case.. How can God become your life blood?
Aren't you giving in to the wrong side if you do? The one that cares for you so little that he'd rather see you crushed than thriving? God simply cannot work upon you if you give in and tell yourself that you can't. You CAN, and you must. Because we are not only humans; We are the offspring of a God. How AMAZING is that? So if you're struggling with something, don't just say I can't. You can. You can with the help of a God (and that is not to be taken lightly) who loves you. And will do anything to HELP. YOU. when you humble yourself and have FAITH.
So I am not a weakling. I was born for greater. I will struggle with this STUPID, silly, ridiculous trial for a while, I'm sure. Maybe my whole life. But I know it's here to HELP me. And so I'll be a fighter.
Candy. Crush. ;)
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Up, up, and AWAY
Every so often I will have a day or two where it's none stop and I am driving hundreds of miles in a day for auditions, photo shoots, filming, and then to an occasional family dinner. But lately, it's felt like all week has been much busier. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful, I'm just unsure how to fit everything I need to do in one day. I work a full time job, that I thankfully will be getting better hours at soon, am going to school online, plus acting classes and auditions, and working out, as well as trying to start a business and prepare for the next step in my life....
For the last year I have been getting the little feeling that I needed to move to California. I will be the first to admit that I don't like the idea of moving to the City of Angels. I went once when I was 15 to try to get into modeling (didn't go very well, I was too naïve to go anywhere in that industry at the time), and promptly decided I hated it. There was lots of cigarette smoke, seemingly self-absorbed people, too much city, and a distinct lack of mountains. I started modeling about 7 years later when I asked a friend to do some photos of me since my mother hadn't used a camera in years, and I felt I wanted something pretty to show future generations. She saw me a couple months later and said they needed a model for her photography class, I decided I enjoyed the fun, novelty, and art of it and searched opportunities to do more. After 4 years of modeling off and on, I had a friend who went to UCLA and graduated in film, I told him I thought it would be fun to act, we made a fun competition piece commercial and the rest is history!
I don't know why I'm supposed to move to LA. Truly, if it were up to me, I would give it another year, year and a half, at least. I don't feel even remotely ready. I feel confident that I'm passable in most of my acting so that people wont laugh when I'm on the screen (Unless its comedy, of course. Hardy-har-har), but I'm nowhere near the capabilities of some of my friends who are struggling to work as an actor there already. But I know I should go..
Part of me is excited at the possibilities of what that means, the other part of me is freaking out like a prom queen that just spilled grape juice on her dress as her hot date knocks at the door. Freak! What am I supposed to do? I don't want to work a full-time job out there 'cause I feel like that will kill opportunities, but I don't know exactly how I'm going to make ends meet. I don't know hardly anyone (active Mormons, especially) out there, and I have no idea where I'm going to live. So on top of trying to be a full-time student and worker, keeping a fit body, and striving to be an actor, I'm also trying to prepare for that. This includes finding an agency in LA, hopefully for modeling and acting, building a website, gathering all my reel and portfolio work, and learning how to use more Social Media... Yes, seriously. I just did my first Instagram post in almost 2 years and discovered I'd been tagged in more things than I had ever even posted.
But guess what? This is all doable. If God wants it done, its doable. So I have just tried to take every possible opportunity he throws my way (including going to a Model Search I knew I had no chance of winning in hopes they'd remember me when I lose that next 10 lbs. :) That's right... Wahoo!), and pray that I will be able to follow the guidance he gives as well as be led in my preparations for this.
So here is to fully embracing the absolutely terrifying roller coaster God seats us in and pulls the lever. Here's to meeting many more people I could come to love and possibly find love with. And here's to trusting God knows best. Even if I get kicked in the pants, if I can remember to keep the best perspective, like my mother, I know I can turn out a better person for it. So here's to LA. In July.
(Deep breaths...........)
Ps. I have lost 10 lbs and to be at my goal weight I need to lose 10 more, which I hope to be at by the end of May.
Pps. I am back on that dumb medical diet. One of these days I'll be able to eat more than rabbit food and chicken. Embrace the rabbit food.. Embrace it.. :)
For the last year I have been getting the little feeling that I needed to move to California. I will be the first to admit that I don't like the idea of moving to the City of Angels. I went once when I was 15 to try to get into modeling (didn't go very well, I was too naïve to go anywhere in that industry at the time), and promptly decided I hated it. There was lots of cigarette smoke, seemingly self-absorbed people, too much city, and a distinct lack of mountains. I started modeling about 7 years later when I asked a friend to do some photos of me since my mother hadn't used a camera in years, and I felt I wanted something pretty to show future generations. She saw me a couple months later and said they needed a model for her photography class, I decided I enjoyed the fun, novelty, and art of it and searched opportunities to do more. After 4 years of modeling off and on, I had a friend who went to UCLA and graduated in film, I told him I thought it would be fun to act, we made a fun competition piece commercial and the rest is history!
I don't know why I'm supposed to move to LA. Truly, if it were up to me, I would give it another year, year and a half, at least. I don't feel even remotely ready. I feel confident that I'm passable in most of my acting so that people wont laugh when I'm on the screen (Unless its comedy, of course. Hardy-har-har), but I'm nowhere near the capabilities of some of my friends who are struggling to work as an actor there already. But I know I should go..
Part of me is excited at the possibilities of what that means, the other part of me is freaking out like a prom queen that just spilled grape juice on her dress as her hot date knocks at the door. Freak! What am I supposed to do? I don't want to work a full-time job out there 'cause I feel like that will kill opportunities, but I don't know exactly how I'm going to make ends meet. I don't know hardly anyone (active Mormons, especially) out there, and I have no idea where I'm going to live. So on top of trying to be a full-time student and worker, keeping a fit body, and striving to be an actor, I'm also trying to prepare for that. This includes finding an agency in LA, hopefully for modeling and acting, building a website, gathering all my reel and portfolio work, and learning how to use more Social Media... Yes, seriously. I just did my first Instagram post in almost 2 years and discovered I'd been tagged in more things than I had ever even posted.
But guess what? This is all doable. If God wants it done, its doable. So I have just tried to take every possible opportunity he throws my way (including going to a Model Search I knew I had no chance of winning in hopes they'd remember me when I lose that next 10 lbs. :) That's right... Wahoo!), and pray that I will be able to follow the guidance he gives as well as be led in my preparations for this.
So here is to fully embracing the absolutely terrifying roller coaster God seats us in and pulls the lever. Here's to meeting many more people I could come to love and possibly find love with. And here's to trusting God knows best. Even if I get kicked in the pants, if I can remember to keep the best perspective, like my mother, I know I can turn out a better person for it. So here's to LA. In July.
(Deep breaths...........)
Ps. I have lost 10 lbs and to be at my goal weight I need to lose 10 more, which I hope to be at by the end of May.
Pps. I am back on that dumb medical diet. One of these days I'll be able to eat more than rabbit food and chicken. Embrace the rabbit food.. Embrace it.. :)
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Too Great Expectations
I feel like I've really come upon who I am the last few years, and I know the trials I've faced have helped get me there. But for some reason lately, when faced with new trials, some that I don't know how to battle, I am beginning to wonder who I am again. There are a few things that are for certain: I am a child of God, I am 'delightfully quirky' as my Bishop once said, and I have come to the knowledge that I am constantly in school- The school of life. And I treat it as such.
But lately there are a few lessons that I feel like have come from a place I never thought I'd face. I feel like when one of my weaknesses is swept asunder and no longer in the highlight, God somehow seems to procure another. And its not even one that anyone else can help me with. I have to figure it out on my own. Its a silent battle, and it makes me want to cry and throw an inner fit when I lose. Which I seem to do often lately. People see one side of it and don't know there is an underbelly. I never thought I'd face this demon really, I always wanted to be better than that. But its a byproduct of one of the things I love. And I hate that I feel like there are expectations. Expectations I'm not meeting. I hate that my dreams that are so high and seemingly out of reach already, are thrown even farther by my own weakness and shortcomings. People laugh at the follies of my humanity, but only cause I've learned to laugh at my own. But this time the laugh is hiding something that I don't know what to do with. It's always been too hard for me, but barely doable. But now.. Now it seems like I cant do it at all. So I try to undo it, and I feel like I might hurt myself trying. Right now it doesn't hurt. But someday maybe it will.
Ps. please forgive the code talking. But this demon is one that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help me with, so until then, I'll do it on my own.
But lately there are a few lessons that I feel like have come from a place I never thought I'd face. I feel like when one of my weaknesses is swept asunder and no longer in the highlight, God somehow seems to procure another. And its not even one that anyone else can help me with. I have to figure it out on my own. Its a silent battle, and it makes me want to cry and throw an inner fit when I lose. Which I seem to do often lately. People see one side of it and don't know there is an underbelly. I never thought I'd face this demon really, I always wanted to be better than that. But its a byproduct of one of the things I love. And I hate that I feel like there are expectations. Expectations I'm not meeting. I hate that my dreams that are so high and seemingly out of reach already, are thrown even farther by my own weakness and shortcomings. People laugh at the follies of my humanity, but only cause I've learned to laugh at my own. But this time the laugh is hiding something that I don't know what to do with. It's always been too hard for me, but barely doable. But now.. Now it seems like I cant do it at all. So I try to undo it, and I feel like I might hurt myself trying. Right now it doesn't hurt. But someday maybe it will.
Ps. please forgive the code talking. But this demon is one that I don't want anyone to feel like they have to help me with, so until then, I'll do it on my own.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Missionary splits
I've come to a new resolution recently that when it comes to things I cant control, I have the option to do one of two things: Complain about it, or decide that (after a good cry) finding things to be thankful for is a better option. Tonight was one of those moments. I heard in Sunday school class today that complaining about your situation in life is not only unproductive, but it doesn't allow us to recognize what the situation is: God's hand in our life. Although we like to only recognize the blessings we are given, which is wonderful to continuously notice, we need to see that when we have trials or things generally just not going our way, its not by chance. God is putting us in this situation for a reason that only he may know, but all things work together for our good (Romans 8:28), as he says.
So although I would really like to have what I want right now, knowing I'm not going to get it, I can complain about it, or I can strive to see an eternal perspective and find the blessings in knowing God's hand is constantly in my life, and this too is for my good. God knows who we are, what we need, at every moment, and loves us so incredibly much as to put us through trials that will test us and e nurture us to grow. I hope I can always remember that, its so hard sometimes when I'm so disappointed in knowing something I want very much is not going to be mine, or at least not for a really long while.
I love my Savior and I am grateful for all he has endured for me. I'm excited and nervous, and afraid for what my future might bring. Keeping that eternal perspective helps to lessen the fear though. Anything God puts in my path, even though I may feel like it could break me, is possible to overcome or do with God in my life. I hope you find the opportunity to see God's hand in your life too, and know his love for you is unending, without condition, without regard, and greater than your human scope can fathom. I hope someday to be able to fully understand that kind of love.
Today I was able to do splits almost all day with the sister missionaries. I'm grateful for the opportunities to see my own weaknesses and strengths through days like this. Sister Sammartano said that she thought my teaching was good enough that if she didn't know better she would have assumed I was a return missionary. I believe that is a real compliment: Being able to help bring the spirit and sincerely show God's love. I'm not exactly sure how I developed this trait (except maybe the several Mission Prep classes a week I attended in the many, many months I patiently waited for a call), but teaching the little things or complexities of God's gospel that I actually do understand, is something that sincerely brings me joy. I hope I am able to fulfill more opportunities like these. Sometimes I wish I could still go on a mission, but I know my time has passed for that, and so now I am just trying to find ways to serve and teach, as a missionary would, in my own life. I hope I can fulfill all these opportunities to the best of my potential. I love God and its times like these that reveal to me an obvious satisfaction in living His Gospel.
<3 for now and always.... Liz
So although I would really like to have what I want right now, knowing I'm not going to get it, I can complain about it, or I can strive to see an eternal perspective and find the blessings in knowing God's hand is constantly in my life, and this too is for my good. God knows who we are, what we need, at every moment, and loves us so incredibly much as to put us through trials that will test us and e nurture us to grow. I hope I can always remember that, its so hard sometimes when I'm so disappointed in knowing something I want very much is not going to be mine, or at least not for a really long while.
I love my Savior and I am grateful for all he has endured for me. I'm excited and nervous, and afraid for what my future might bring. Keeping that eternal perspective helps to lessen the fear though. Anything God puts in my path, even though I may feel like it could break me, is possible to overcome or do with God in my life. I hope you find the opportunity to see God's hand in your life too, and know his love for you is unending, without condition, without regard, and greater than your human scope can fathom. I hope someday to be able to fully understand that kind of love.
Today I was able to do splits almost all day with the sister missionaries. I'm grateful for the opportunities to see my own weaknesses and strengths through days like this. Sister Sammartano said that she thought my teaching was good enough that if she didn't know better she would have assumed I was a return missionary. I believe that is a real compliment: Being able to help bring the spirit and sincerely show God's love. I'm not exactly sure how I developed this trait (except maybe the several Mission Prep classes a week I attended in the many, many months I patiently waited for a call), but teaching the little things or complexities of God's gospel that I actually do understand, is something that sincerely brings me joy. I hope I am able to fulfill more opportunities like these. Sometimes I wish I could still go on a mission, but I know my time has passed for that, and so now I am just trying to find ways to serve and teach, as a missionary would, in my own life. I hope I can fulfill all these opportunities to the best of my potential. I love God and its times like these that reveal to me an obvious satisfaction in living His Gospel.
<3 for now and always.... Liz
Monday, January 27, 2014
Sunshine
Since my last post, I have found and let go of a wonderful man, went to Uganda, Africa, and moved around several times without a job. The wonderful man's name was Bronson and it still semi breaks my heart to think about how perfect he was. He really was AMAZING. You have to have capital letters to describe him, its the only way.. Unfortunately, long story short, it just didn't feel right, and it felt that way for both of us, so in the end it just fell apart. I was seriously sure I was going to marry this guy at one point... Even said so straight to his face. I will also miss his wonderful mother, who in many ways was like my own, and I want to cry at the idea of not seeing his wonderful mom again. I knew when his family was so great, he was so great, everything was so GREAT that something had to be wrong. Of course, I had trust issues... So there was that. But really, it just felt too good to be true. How could all my hopes and wishes and desires be fulfilled? I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing and that introducing me to Bronson was maybe to revive my faith in good men and my hope that someday I could marry one. And to open up my hard shell of a heart. I think I did that for him too, even though I'm terrified I may have hurt him in the end instead of helping like I had wanted. I hope he knows how Amazing I still think he is, even despite his teeny tiny flaws that I know he thinks are ginormous.
Since that break up, I also had spun down into a hole the size of Kennecott, and ended up at a fork in the road: Do I stop traveling, do I keep dragging my anvil-weight baggage, or do I take a time-out from life and let someone help me unpack, figure out how to reorganize what I'm given along the way, and learn how to let it go as I can? So after I was very much close to the decision to stop traveling, my sister stepped in and yanked me on her bandwagon until I could get to my Time Out station (I know I'm being vague, but lets face it, there are too many judgmental people out there and this gives me license to deny anything. :)) After several weeks of someone pulling me out of the Kennecott-sized crater and helping me etch away at my anvils... I feel like I'm almost to the top of the ridge. And MY! I had no idea it was so bright up here without all the shadows to dim Life!! This same Life I refer to is the one that has been laden with sadness, hurt, abuse, neglect, illness, death, and overall combined to a crippling mentality and just hopelessness.
Many of my siblings have had to deal with these things in similar or the same ways, and after going through a couple weeks of climbing and etching at anvils, I had gotten to the point where I had started to see the Sun over the ridgeline. I was at lunch with a couple of my sisters and said to one of them, "You know that feeling like you are half drowning all the time??" She said yes. "Well, I don't feel like that anymore.!!!" I think she thought I was a bit looney for how enthusiastic I was over um.. unpacking and mountain climbing. I cant really blame her. I've been down there, in the shadows, for most my life. When you are down there, you can see the people up above you, but its almost a mirage, like you don't really believe the ability for you to be up there exists, so you don't believe in it. And I know people who have always seemed to live in the sun and to them, below is so dark from the blinding light that they are always in, that they don't really see or understand that anyone can be down there, it makes no sense to them.
I think I am one of the lucky ones honestly, after years of dragging anvils around in circles in my crater, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes dipping lower, I have been silently begging for and dreaming for the possibility to understand the sunshine. And the weird thing about being in the dark and low crater is that its truly that; You can try with all your might to go somewhere, but until you find a way to get to the top, you will just be going around in circles, going nowhere. The top is where you can travel about the world, build new things. I won't be surprised if this doesn't really make sense to some of you, but if it does and you are in the sun, despite your inevitable obstacles COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! You have no idea how many people would give a limb to understand where you are, even if you are just peeking over the skyline, you can see the sun and are close enough to eventually reach up and go somewhere. So DO it! For those of you who are in the pit: I understand. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. And I know sincerely and wholeheartedly how BLESSED I am! Because after so much time hoping, and praying, and searching, God placed an Arnold Schwarzenegger-size climber, that understood how to help me hold and taught me how to chisel and chip away at the anvils, within my path. And I am epically grateful for this person and evermore so for my Heavenly Father who's mercy and LOVE allowed me this new panorama. I have a deep faith that with prayers, time, and patience you may enjoy this grand view also.
So now that I see the sunrise, and how beautiful it is, I understand that the things God has asked of me to do are amazing and possible. I know I've got to move again (Yayyyyy......... ) and then I am going to start my own business. I'm really excited about it, and really nervous for the process at the same time. But I know its the direction God has pointed me to go to next and I have faith that if I'm supposed to create this thing (I may be introducing the idea to you all soon), that as I stop and ask for directions and pave my own pathway, he'll pick me up when I'm going to fall. Its amazing to me how in-my-face the Holy Ghost and it's guidance has been lately; I'm thankful for it, and even as I marvel at it, I hope I can continue to endeavor to deserve it.
Have a wonderful January everyone! Pray when you're up, not just when you're down, hold Hope with you always, and let Faith carry you ever in its wings. I'll never be able to describe the happiness the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me (Mormon.org), but I hope that you get to have, even at the very least, a smidgen of this happiness, because it is truly the greatest thing on Earth.
Love, Liz
Since that break up, I also had spun down into a hole the size of Kennecott, and ended up at a fork in the road: Do I stop traveling, do I keep dragging my anvil-weight baggage, or do I take a time-out from life and let someone help me unpack, figure out how to reorganize what I'm given along the way, and learn how to let it go as I can? So after I was very much close to the decision to stop traveling, my sister stepped in and yanked me on her bandwagon until I could get to my Time Out station (I know I'm being vague, but lets face it, there are too many judgmental people out there and this gives me license to deny anything. :)) After several weeks of someone pulling me out of the Kennecott-sized crater and helping me etch away at my anvils... I feel like I'm almost to the top of the ridge. And MY! I had no idea it was so bright up here without all the shadows to dim Life!! This same Life I refer to is the one that has been laden with sadness, hurt, abuse, neglect, illness, death, and overall combined to a crippling mentality and just hopelessness.
Many of my siblings have had to deal with these things in similar or the same ways, and after going through a couple weeks of climbing and etching at anvils, I had gotten to the point where I had started to see the Sun over the ridgeline. I was at lunch with a couple of my sisters and said to one of them, "You know that feeling like you are half drowning all the time??" She said yes. "Well, I don't feel like that anymore.!!!" I think she thought I was a bit looney for how enthusiastic I was over um.. unpacking and mountain climbing. I cant really blame her. I've been down there, in the shadows, for most my life. When you are down there, you can see the people up above you, but its almost a mirage, like you don't really believe the ability for you to be up there exists, so you don't believe in it. And I know people who have always seemed to live in the sun and to them, below is so dark from the blinding light that they are always in, that they don't really see or understand that anyone can be down there, it makes no sense to them.
I think I am one of the lucky ones honestly, after years of dragging anvils around in circles in my crater, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes dipping lower, I have been silently begging for and dreaming for the possibility to understand the sunshine. And the weird thing about being in the dark and low crater is that its truly that; You can try with all your might to go somewhere, but until you find a way to get to the top, you will just be going around in circles, going nowhere. The top is where you can travel about the world, build new things. I won't be surprised if this doesn't really make sense to some of you, but if it does and you are in the sun, despite your inevitable obstacles COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! You have no idea how many people would give a limb to understand where you are, even if you are just peeking over the skyline, you can see the sun and are close enough to eventually reach up and go somewhere. So DO it! For those of you who are in the pit: I understand. I want to cry right now just thinking of it. And I know sincerely and wholeheartedly how BLESSED I am! Because after so much time hoping, and praying, and searching, God placed an Arnold Schwarzenegger-size climber, that understood how to help me hold and taught me how to chisel and chip away at the anvils, within my path. And I am epically grateful for this person and evermore so for my Heavenly Father who's mercy and LOVE allowed me this new panorama. I have a deep faith that with prayers, time, and patience you may enjoy this grand view also.
So now that I see the sunrise, and how beautiful it is, I understand that the things God has asked of me to do are amazing and possible. I know I've got to move again (Yayyyyy......... ) and then I am going to start my own business. I'm really excited about it, and really nervous for the process at the same time. But I know its the direction God has pointed me to go to next and I have faith that if I'm supposed to create this thing (I may be introducing the idea to you all soon), that as I stop and ask for directions and pave my own pathway, he'll pick me up when I'm going to fall. Its amazing to me how in-my-face the Holy Ghost and it's guidance has been lately; I'm thankful for it, and even as I marvel at it, I hope I can continue to endeavor to deserve it.
Have a wonderful January everyone! Pray when you're up, not just when you're down, hold Hope with you always, and let Faith carry you ever in its wings. I'll never be able to describe the happiness the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives me (Mormon.org), but I hope that you get to have, even at the very least, a smidgen of this happiness, because it is truly the greatest thing on Earth.
Love, Liz
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